Toppling To My Demise

Dear Universe,

Please stop making me dizzy. Does life really have to be such a roller coaster ride all the time?

The job is going wonderfully well. Extremely physically challenging, but, oh, so, emotionally rewarding. The energy is so abundant and so bright, that I might actually be in danger of getting burned. I spent the afternoon at work today, listening to live music and dancing. What could be more fun then that?

I'm learning new things frequently. When I'm not, I'm becoming reacquainted with skills I'd thought long since forgotten. Huge changes to be contended with daily, for sure.  As I said, exhausting, but fulfilling.

The physical exhaustion is something I am still adjusting too. Yet, I'm not feeling all that stressed by the fact that the laundry isn't always done as efficiently as I would like. Or the fact that dinner isn't always cooked by my hand. Things, that hither too, have been of major importance to me, no longer seem to register.

Instead, there is the lesson to be learned from my brothers journey. It's not going well, he is back in the hospital, ICU this time. He's weak, all his internal organs are now compromised. The internal bleeding, as well as the blood clots and nutrition, continue to be of major concern.  He continues to fight, yet there is very little left to try.

It makes me want to rage and throw things. Scream from mountain tops that life isn't FUCKING fair. Like that ever really helps? No! But, maybe throwing, or breaking things, would expel some of the dark energy that envelopes me.

I've spoken with other family members. We all know it is just a matter of timing as to whether or not we actually get the chance to see him again, and say goodbye. It's a tricky decision, one that we have no time left to contemplate.

Even as others look to me for guidance, I feel uneasy in making this decision. I need to be there. I need to support and nurture my brother and his family. I have accepted the fact that he is leaving and want it to be as painless as possible, for everyone involved.

I'm feeling the pull on my energy, it's time to step up and provide. It's just who I am. Why else would you show me the things you have shown, if not to enable me to help? But what kind of help will be most beneficial? How do I prioritize?

For once, my first instinct, is not Musicman, though this is one of those times I definitely need him to be MY support. I can be strong for everyone else, as long as he is strong for me. It's a very fine line I walk at the moment, and I'm not so confident I won't topple to my demise.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

If I Could Just Figure Out Where To Start

Dear Universe,

It's been awhile since I came to visit. Life has been moving too quickly and I've struggled to keep up.

The new job is exhausting, yet I'm feeling extremely fulfilled by it. This is a bit of a conundrum for me. There is a part of me that really wants to be a contributing member of society. And then there is the part of me that wants to hide away and just take care of myself and my family.

Due to this current conundrum, I'm feeling quite lost. I'm no longer sure who I am, what my focus is, or what exactly it is that will make me happy. I'm out of balance and often don't know which way I'm supposed to turn.

The thing is, it's been very easy to just coast along, suppressing the submissive feelings that often crop up, unaddressed and unanswered. I ignore, or hide the tears that always seem so close to the surface. I can fake it with the best of them, that I'm a strong and accomplished woman.

I don't care to do that, to fake my emotions, to stuff them down so deep that I no longer feel them, but for some reason it doesn't feel safe or productive to let them out.

I want to be selfish, I sorta feel like I've earned the right to do that, and yet, I can't quite seem to carry through with selfish intentions or actions. People place demands on me, and I am incapable of not stepping up to meet those demands. It's quite frustrating because often, carrying out those demands aren't good for me.

I continue to drive myself relentlessly to provide a clean, comfortable home. I cook every day, and though it has become a several day event, I manage to get the laundry done every week. I get up early each day and face a long day of work. I come home to chores that need to be done and meals that need cooked. I can't seem to learn to use the word no.

I'm feeling satisfaction, but no joy in life. The moments available to connect and fly freely are few and far between. That is something I regret deeply. I hate living with regrets. It makes me very sad to live this way, but I can't seem to figure out how, or what I need to do to change it.

I'm just lost, confused and not so willing to put myself out there at the moment. I'm tired of being over extended, tired of feeling stressed, tired of having to always be the one that steps up and takes control. I hate to contemplate it, but maybe it's time to recognize the fact that no knight in shining armor is coming to rescue me.

I guess my mother was right, I can't believe everything I read. No one is waiting in the wings to carry me away to something better. I have to do the hard work myself. If I could just figure out where it is I'm supposed to start.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower