Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Toppling To My Demise

Dear Universe,

Please stop making me dizzy. Does life really have to be such a roller coaster ride all the time?

The job is going wonderfully well. Extremely physically challenging, but, oh, so, emotionally rewarding. The energy is so abundant and so bright, that I might actually be in danger of getting burned. I spent the afternoon at work today, listening to live music and dancing. What could be more fun then that?

I'm learning new things frequently. When I'm not, I'm becoming reacquainted with skills I'd thought long since forgotten. Huge changes to be contended with daily, for sure.  As I said, exhausting, but fulfilling.

The physical exhaustion is something I am still adjusting too. Yet, I'm not feeling all that stressed by the fact that the laundry isn't always done as efficiently as I would like. Or the fact that dinner isn't always cooked by my hand. Things, that hither too, have been of major importance to me, no longer seem to register.

Instead, there is the lesson to be learned from my brothers journey. It's not going well, he is back in the hospital, ICU this time. He's weak, all his internal organs are now compromised. The internal bleeding, as well as the blood clots and nutrition, continue to be of major concern.  He continues to fight, yet there is very little left to try.

It makes me want to rage and throw things. Scream from mountain tops that life isn't FUCKING fair. Like that ever really helps? No! But, maybe throwing, or breaking things, would expel some of the dark energy that envelopes me.

I've spoken with other family members. We all know it is just a matter of timing as to whether or not we actually get the chance to see him again, and say goodbye. It's a tricky decision, one that we have no time left to contemplate.

Even as others look to me for guidance, I feel uneasy in making this decision. I need to be there. I need to support and nurture my brother and his family. I have accepted the fact that he is leaving and want it to be as painless as possible, for everyone involved.

I'm feeling the pull on my energy, it's time to step up and provide. It's just who I am. Why else would you show me the things you have shown, if not to enable me to help? But what kind of help will be most beneficial? How do I prioritize?

For once, my first instinct, is not Musicman, though this is one of those times I definitely need him to be MY support. I can be strong for everyone else, as long as he is strong for me. It's a very fine line I walk at the moment, and I'm not so confident I won't topple to my demise.

Lolita Lilyflower


  1. Hang on to Musicman for support and know you can do this. Leave it all on the line and have no regrets.

    ((((((((((((HUGE HUGS))))))))))))

    1. Thank you Fiona, for all the kind words and the supppport, they are so appreciated :)

  2. Replies
    1. Oh my friend, I don't have the words to express how much I appreciate everything your friendship means to me :)

  3. Do you know that I pray for your brother and your whole family every night? There may not be a miracle, but I pray for comfort and strength for all of you.


    1. Thank you so much for the prayers PK. At this point, while we haven't given up hoping for a miracle, we really are running out of time. It's just so sad.

  4. Wishing you strength and comfort and peace.
    Take care,


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