Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Toppling To My Demise

Dear Universe,

Please stop making me dizzy. Does life really have to be such a roller coaster ride all the time?

The job is going wonderfully well. Extremely physically challenging, but, oh, so, emotionally rewarding. The energy is so abundant and so bright, that I might actually be in danger of getting burned. I spent the afternoon at work today, listening to live music and dancing. What could be more fun then that?

I'm learning new things frequently. When I'm not, I'm becoming reacquainted with skills I'd thought long since forgotten. Huge changes to be contended with daily, for sure.  As I said, exhausting, but fulfilling.

The physical exhaustion is something I am still adjusting too. Yet, I'm not feeling all that stressed by the fact that the laundry isn't always done as efficiently as I would like. Or the fact that dinner isn't always cooked by my hand. Things, that hither too, have been of major importance to me, no longer seem to register.

Instead, there is the lesson to be learned from my brothers journey. It's not going well, he is back in the hospital, ICU this time. He's weak, all his internal organs are now compromised. The internal bleeding, as well as the blood clots and nutrition, continue to be of major concern.  He continues to fight, yet there is very little left to try.

It makes me want to rage and throw things. Scream from mountain tops that life isn't FUCKING fair. Like that ever really helps? No! But, maybe throwing, or breaking things, would expel some of the dark energy that envelopes me.

I've spoken with other family members. We all know it is just a matter of timing as to whether or not we actually get the chance to see him again, and say goodbye. It's a tricky decision, one that we have no time left to contemplate.

Even as others look to me for guidance, I feel uneasy in making this decision. I need to be there. I need to support and nurture my brother and his family. I have accepted the fact that he is leaving and want it to be as painless as possible, for everyone involved.

I'm feeling the pull on my energy, it's time to step up and provide. It's just who I am. Why else would you show me the things you have shown, if not to enable me to help? But what kind of help will be most beneficial? How do I prioritize?

For once, my first instinct, is not Musicman, though this is one of those times I definitely need him to be MY support. I can be strong for everyone else, as long as he is strong for me. It's a very fine line I walk at the moment, and I'm not so confident I won't topple to my demise.

Lolita Lilyflower

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

If I Could Just Figure Out Where To Start

Dear Universe,

It's been awhile since I came to visit. Life has been moving too quickly and I've struggled to keep up.

The new job is exhausting, yet I'm feeling extremely fulfilled by it. This is a bit of a conundrum for me. There is a part of me that really wants to be a contributing member of society. And then there is the part of me that wants to hide away and just take care of myself and my family.

Due to this current conundrum, I'm feeling quite lost. I'm no longer sure who I am, what my focus is, or what exactly it is that will make me happy. I'm out of balance and often don't know which way I'm supposed to turn.

The thing is, it's been very easy to just coast along, suppressing the submissive feelings that often crop up, unaddressed and unanswered. I ignore, or hide the tears that always seem so close to the surface. I can fake it with the best of them, that I'm a strong and accomplished woman.

I don't care to do that, to fake my emotions, to stuff them down so deep that I no longer feel them, but for some reason it doesn't feel safe or productive to let them out.

I want to be selfish, I sorta feel like I've earned the right to do that, and yet, I can't quite seem to carry through with selfish intentions or actions. People place demands on me, and I am incapable of not stepping up to meet those demands. It's quite frustrating because often, carrying out those demands aren't good for me.

I continue to drive myself relentlessly to provide a clean, comfortable home. I cook every day, and though it has become a several day event, I manage to get the laundry done every week. I get up early each day and face a long day of work. I come home to chores that need to be done and meals that need cooked. I can't seem to learn to use the word no.

I'm feeling satisfaction, but no joy in life. The moments available to connect and fly freely are few and far between. That is something I regret deeply. I hate living with regrets. It makes me very sad to live this way, but I can't seem to figure out how, or what I need to do to change it.

I'm just lost, confused and not so willing to put myself out there at the moment. I'm tired of being over extended, tired of feeling stressed, tired of having to always be the one that steps up and takes control. I hate to contemplate it, but maybe it's time to recognize the fact that no knight in shining armor is coming to rescue me.

I guess my mother was right, I can't believe everything I read. No one is waiting in the wings to carry me away to something better. I have to do the hard work myself. If I could just figure out where it is I'm supposed to start.

Lolita Lilyflower

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

In Times of Trouble

Dear Universe,

Would it help if I begged? Because I will, please, please don't take my brother away. We need him here. His family loves him and needs him here.

His organs are shutting down. His heart is starting to fail. The internal bleeding has become so bad that he is now requiring several blood transfusions. If I can't figure out how to get there within the next few days, I may never see him alive again.

I feel the urgency. His wife has stopped telling me the truth about what the doctors are saying. I know she isn't doing that to be mean, but because she is in shock and is overwhelmed with the information. How in the world can anyone process the fact that they are about to lose their husband at age 39?

How do you process the fact that as a military wife, you spent so much time alone, being both mother and father, while your spouse was deployed defending our country, only to be hit in the face with the fact that he is leaving, forever this time?

I want to be there, I need to be there, and yet, life goes on and requires me to be here. I want to help and yet, I feel so paralyzed. I feel guilty I that prayed so hard for this new job to workout and you answered that prayer.

Did I not pray hard enough for my brother to survive? I know I did, but I also knew, because you showed me, that despite the fact that he would fight hard, he would not survive. I've know that from the beginning, but I always chose to believe that you were wrong.

Knowing, does not lessen the pain. Knowing what the outcome will be only enhances the feelings of helplessness and despair.

I have always struggled with the visions you send, because they are so painful. I've learned to accept, even when I can not embrace, the things you choose to show me. I fought acceptance of these visions in the beginning, but I soon learned you were never wrong.

I hate you at this moment in time, for not allowing me the ignorance of innocence. Can you please, at least stop the visions? They are so painful to experience and I know what you show me, I will have to live through.

Maybe you think of it as a way to warn me, a way to arm myself against the pain. It isn't really working that way for me. I just experience the pain twice over.

You've given me Musicman. I trust him and know he will get me through the darkness. I know all I need to do is turn toward him and he will hold me up in times of trouble.

Lolita Lilyflower

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Rage, Love, Loss

Dear Universe,

Sometimes it truly seems like you are conspiring against me.

I have started orientation for the new job. It's going well, but today was extremely physically challenging for me. I will bear the bruises for awhile I think. Just two days left and then I start program specific orientation and training. That should be easier, but boy does it suck to feel every single second of my age. Who knew I was really 103, lol.

That isn't really what I am referring to though. Physical challenges, while difficult, I can get through, I'm stubborn that way. No, I am referring to the message from my SIL that was waiting when I got home.

I have tried so hard to disregard the visions you keep sending, to keep my spirits up and believe that my brother is going to beat this. He deserves to beat this, he is fighting so hard. His family and children deserve to have such a fine man in their lives for many, many years yet.

Despite all that, it doesn't look as if that is meant to be. The chemo didn't work. The pet scan showed that the cancer has spread. Truth be told, I already knew that, but it still hurt to hear that it was true. They had to tell their boys today. I don't know where either one of them found the strength to do that. The boys are devastated, I understand, so am I.

He has been extremely ill this past week and in quite a bit of pain. He will be admitted to the hospital, again, tomorrow, for some surgical procedures to try and help reduce the pain. He will be starting on a new cancer drug.  We are all hopeful, but statistics show that this drug will likely do nothing but prolong his life, the average time it extends it is 1.4 months. God damn google anyway.

Of course, we will take every day we can get, but it is so infuriating that I am so far away and can not spend these days with him. It makes me want to rage, and scream that it isn't fair. This man spent half his life deployed in defense of our country and now, now that he has fulfilled his duty and is entitled to finally be there for his family, it isn't going to happen. I know life isn't fair, but really, this sucks big time.

I am in awe of his internal strength. He hasn't given up, he continues to fight with every ounce of energy he has. I continue to pray every day that he will succeed, that he will beat this awful disease and live to a ripe old age. Much like me, his first grandchild is due soon, I pray he lives to see that day and hold that child in his arms.

Most of all, I pray every day, that I will see him alive one last time before he goes, for I know in my heart what you have shown me. He will not survive this fight. That makes me so exceedingly sad.

Lolita Lilyflower

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Better Off Alone

Dear Universe,

Sometimes it's so obvious that my family takes me for granted. Today is Mother's Day. I'm a Mother of two children. I've sacrificed everything for my husband and children and asked very little in return. Guess what that gets me? Yep, very little.

I willingly set aside my hopes and dreams to make them happy. I've not lived up to my potential or experienced the things I wanted to experience because they needed me. I've not taken the chances, or attempted to grab the brass ring, for them.

Today is Mother's Day, it has been an exceedingly lonely day for me. I didn't hear from daughter. I never hear from her unless she needs something from me. My son did finally come home, but he didn't even wish me a Happy Mother's Day. Musicman made me breakfast, but then he spent the rest of the day napping. I have no idea how someone can nap for 5 hours, but he manages it.

While he slept, I cooked dinner and watched movies, all by myself. I would usually do laundry today, but I declined to do that, because it's Mother's Day. That just means I will have to do it tomorrow. No big savings that.

What exactly is it I'm doing wrong? Why do they not appreciate the fact that everything I do makes their life easier? When will someone in my life treat me as a worthy human being?

I'm beginning to think the answer is never. I have some very important things going on next week, I need Musicman's support, but so far, I'm not getting it. These are the kind of days that make me think I would be better off alone. Days like this make me wish for the strength to truly do what makes ME happy. That would not involve them, which is why I don't, but maybe someday I will be that strong.

Lolita Lilyflower

Friday, May 10, 2013

An Honorable Man

Dear Universe,

I love my husband more than should be legally allowed, I also know he is one of the most honorable men I know. That's not who I want to talk about today. I want and need to talk about my brother.

I did not grow up with the best home life. There was so much abuse, that once I escaped at age 17, I never looked back. I also have struggled to get past the way I was raised in order to develop a closer relationship with certain family members.

The hardest one to develop has been with my youngest brother. His birthday is 2 days before  mine, but he is 9 years younger than I am. I was too busy as a young girl trying to protect myself to care anything about a baby brother. Due to our age difference he was still very young when I left home. I didn't know him at all, until we both became adults.

He is an extremely smart man. I have a genius IQ, his is higher than mine. I identify as an empath, I don't know if he does, but he has some of the same abilities to pick up on the energy that I do. The first time we spoke about it, it was comforting to be able to talk with someone who understood what it is like to tune in that way.

He has spent the last 20 years serving our country in Navy, he attained the rank of chief and is a top notch electrician. He is extremely creative and can draw like no ones business. He is also a very accomplished wood worker.

Despite the fact that he has spent half of the last 20 years deployed all over the world, he is a very devoted father. He married a woman who already had 3 young sons, they went on to have one together. He loved and raised all of the boys as if they were his own. They have grown up to be fine young men and a credit to both their parents.

This man makes me so proud to call him my brother. If something were ever to happen to my beloved Musicman, this is who I would turn to for help and support. I wish I could reveal more, I wish I could share the essence of who he is as a man with everyone. All girls should be so blessed to have a brother like him.

He's not doing well right now. He continues to lose weight and is down to 190 lbs. He is 6' 5" so he must be mostly skin and bones by now. The internal bleeding continues and he is often very, very ill. He hasn't given up, he never says he can't do this, he continues to say, " I will win". If anybody can beat stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer, it's him.

I struggle to believe this, not because I doubt his strength, or the love he has for his family that keeps him fighting. I struggle because of that dang energy and the visions it brings. They aren't comforting and I am hoping against hope that what I keep seeing does not come to pass. If anyone has the strength and fortitude to change their future, it's him. I'm doing my best to focus on that.

Lolita Lilyflower

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Patience Pays Off

Dear Universe,

The patience paid off, yesterday I was offered the job I have spent the last three weeks interviewing for. It's taken three years, but I think I finally found the right place for me. Thank you. I was so excited I called Musicman at work to tell him. I usually only call if it is an emergency, but I just had to share the news with him right away. He has been so patient and supportive throughout this process that I wanted to share the good news with him.

I start the week after next, so only one more week of unscheduled time for me. I will have to spend some time next week getting the preliminary stuff done, paperwork and a physical need to be completed. That should be relatively easy to accomplish, a bit time consuming, but not too bad.

I haven't heard how my brother's treatment went yesterday, which worries me some. My SIL has a tendency to not respond when she doesn't want to worry me with bad news. I'm hoping everything went well and I will try again today to reach her.

Even that worry wasn't enough to dampen my spirits about the new job though. I really believe this is going to be a good fit for me. The staff, from what I've seen so far, are pretty awesome and the clients should be fun to work with. For the first time in quite a long while I am genuinely excited about a job.

We had a lovely celebration last night. Definitely worthy of a faerie post, but I sorta doubt I will post anything. The only one I really feel like sharing with is Musicman. It was absolutely wonderful, multiple implements, which I loved every minute of, combined with overt domination and I was one happy girl.

I do wish I had communicated a bit more during the encounter. Seems writing is not the only place I have lost my voice. I was never good at talking during intimate encounters, but with his encouragement it was starting to improve. I love the words, they fan the flames of arousal and I would like to give that to him too. I suppose I just need more encouragement from him to get moving in that area again. He used a word last night that he rarely uses, "Master". He hasn't actually ever said he wants me to call him that, but I think maybe he does. Something I will have to work on too.

I still haven't made any decision about my faerie blog. I want to keep that window into my head open for Musicman, but I'm not feeling it for any other reason right now. Maybe I will take it private for just him and I for a while. Or, maybe not, I don't know.

Lolita Lilyflower