I've been thinking a lot lately about why I am struggling so much to find gainful employment. It's not that I don't want to work, I just don't want to work full time. I want and need the time to have balance in my life, that's become very important to me.
I realize that growing up the way I did, with such pervasive abuse for the majority of my childhood, has caused more issues for me then I orginally recognized. Yes, I knew that it affected my ability to trust people. I knew it affected my ability to bond with my own kids and to doubt my effectiveness as a mother. I won't even get into how it affected my sex life. What I didn't realize until just recently is that it affected the way I perceive money and what I do for money.
I grew up in a typical middle class home, the abuse was hidden so well that no one ever suspected what was going on behind closed doors. For someone on the outside looking in, I had a wonderful childhood. A nice house, vacations, toys, clothes and a private school education, I had everything money could buy.
I learned very early on that money represented freedom, so I started working early. I started to babysit at 11, by 14 I was working at a local fast food place. I paid for all my own clothes and supplies throughout highschool and by 16 was paying rent. That allowed me some freedom. Since I was supporting myself and as long as I followed the few rules they had, they left me alone.
I've come to realize though, that I feel as if I never had a childhood. I was never innocent, never had the chance to be silly and do childish things. I admit, I've never been great at handling money. I can do it, I just don't want to. I don't want to be responsible and worry about paying bills. I know this is because money does not represent happiness to me. I saw this too much growing up.
My Mother didn't care what my Father was doing, as long as she had the money to live the way she wanted to live. As long as she had the showplace home, the showplace kids and the clothes and shoes and all the other trappings money could give her, she was happy. She was happy, but I wasn't.
I've worked hard to recover from the issues I knew about. I still don't trust many people. I still question how effective I am as a Mom, but I continue to work on being the best one I can be. I have no idea how I get over this aversion to money, the resentment I feel about the need to work and earn money. How do I get over not having the time to do what I want with my life just because it won't make me any money? When do I get time to play? It sometimes feels like I am living my life in reverse.
Give me the strength and the incite to hear the answers.
Love,
Lolita Lilyflower
