Toppling To My Demise

Dear Universe,

Please stop making me dizzy. Does life really have to be such a roller coaster ride all the time?

The job is going wonderfully well. Extremely physically challenging, but, oh, so, emotionally rewarding. The energy is so abundant and so bright, that I might actually be in danger of getting burned. I spent the afternoon at work today, listening to live music and dancing. What could be more fun then that?

I'm learning new things frequently. When I'm not, I'm becoming reacquainted with skills I'd thought long since forgotten. Huge changes to be contended with daily, for sure.  As I said, exhausting, but fulfilling.

The physical exhaustion is something I am still adjusting too. Yet, I'm not feeling all that stressed by the fact that the laundry isn't always done as efficiently as I would like. Or the fact that dinner isn't always cooked by my hand. Things, that hither too, have been of major importance to me, no longer seem to register.

Instead, there is the lesson to be learned from my brothers journey. It's not going well, he is back in the hospital, ICU this time. He's weak, all his internal organs are now compromised. The internal bleeding, as well as the blood clots and nutrition, continue to be of major concern.  He continues to fight, yet there is very little left to try.

It makes me want to rage and throw things. Scream from mountain tops that life isn't FUCKING fair. Like that ever really helps? No! But, maybe throwing, or breaking things, would expel some of the dark energy that envelopes me.

I've spoken with other family members. We all know it is just a matter of timing as to whether or not we actually get the chance to see him again, and say goodbye. It's a tricky decision, one that we have no time left to contemplate.

Even as others look to me for guidance, I feel uneasy in making this decision. I need to be there. I need to support and nurture my brother and his family. I have accepted the fact that he is leaving and want it to be as painless as possible, for everyone involved.

I'm feeling the pull on my energy, it's time to step up and provide. It's just who I am. Why else would you show me the things you have shown, if not to enable me to help? But what kind of help will be most beneficial? How do I prioritize?

For once, my first instinct, is not Musicman, though this is one of those times I definitely need him to be MY support. I can be strong for everyone else, as long as he is strong for me. It's a very fine line I walk at the moment, and I'm not so confident I won't topple to my demise.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

If I Could Just Figure Out Where To Start

Dear Universe,

It's been awhile since I came to visit. Life has been moving too quickly and I've struggled to keep up.

The new job is exhausting, yet I'm feeling extremely fulfilled by it. This is a bit of a conundrum for me. There is a part of me that really wants to be a contributing member of society. And then there is the part of me that wants to hide away and just take care of myself and my family.

Due to this current conundrum, I'm feeling quite lost. I'm no longer sure who I am, what my focus is, or what exactly it is that will make me happy. I'm out of balance and often don't know which way I'm supposed to turn.

The thing is, it's been very easy to just coast along, suppressing the submissive feelings that often crop up, unaddressed and unanswered. I ignore, or hide the tears that always seem so close to the surface. I can fake it with the best of them, that I'm a strong and accomplished woman.

I don't care to do that, to fake my emotions, to stuff them down so deep that I no longer feel them, but for some reason it doesn't feel safe or productive to let them out.

I want to be selfish, I sorta feel like I've earned the right to do that, and yet, I can't quite seem to carry through with selfish intentions or actions. People place demands on me, and I am incapable of not stepping up to meet those demands. It's quite frustrating because often, carrying out those demands aren't good for me.

I continue to drive myself relentlessly to provide a clean, comfortable home. I cook every day, and though it has become a several day event, I manage to get the laundry done every week. I get up early each day and face a long day of work. I come home to chores that need to be done and meals that need cooked. I can't seem to learn to use the word no.

I'm feeling satisfaction, but no joy in life. The moments available to connect and fly freely are few and far between. That is something I regret deeply. I hate living with regrets. It makes me very sad to live this way, but I can't seem to figure out how, or what I need to do to change it.

I'm just lost, confused and not so willing to put myself out there at the moment. I'm tired of being over extended, tired of feeling stressed, tired of having to always be the one that steps up and takes control. I hate to contemplate it, but maybe it's time to recognize the fact that no knight in shining armor is coming to rescue me.

I guess my mother was right, I can't believe everything I read. No one is waiting in the wings to carry me away to something better. I have to do the hard work myself. If I could just figure out where it is I'm supposed to start.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

In Times of Trouble

Dear Universe,

Would it help if I begged? Because I will, please, please don't take my brother away. We need him here. His family loves him and needs him here.

His organs are shutting down. His heart is starting to fail. The internal bleeding has become so bad that he is now requiring several blood transfusions. If I can't figure out how to get there within the next few days, I may never see him alive again.

I feel the urgency. His wife has stopped telling me the truth about what the doctors are saying. I know she isn't doing that to be mean, but because she is in shock and is overwhelmed with the information. How in the world can anyone process the fact that they are about to lose their husband at age 39?

How do you process the fact that as a military wife, you spent so much time alone, being both mother and father, while your spouse was deployed defending our country, only to be hit in the face with the fact that he is leaving, forever this time?

I want to be there, I need to be there, and yet, life goes on and requires me to be here. I want to help and yet, I feel so paralyzed. I feel guilty I that prayed so hard for this new job to workout and you answered that prayer.

Did I not pray hard enough for my brother to survive? I know I did, but I also knew, because you showed me, that despite the fact that he would fight hard, he would not survive. I've know that from the beginning, but I always chose to believe that you were wrong.

Knowing, does not lessen the pain. Knowing what the outcome will be only enhances the feelings of helplessness and despair.

I have always struggled with the visions you send, because they are so painful. I've learned to accept, even when I can not embrace, the things you choose to show me. I fought acceptance of these visions in the beginning, but I soon learned you were never wrong.

I hate you at this moment in time, for not allowing me the ignorance of innocence. Can you please, at least stop the visions? They are so painful to experience and I know what you show me, I will have to live through.

Maybe you think of it as a way to warn me, a way to arm myself against the pain. It isn't really working that way for me. I just experience the pain twice over.

You've given me Musicman. I trust him and know he will get me through the darkness. I know all I need to do is turn toward him and he will hold me up in times of trouble.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Rage, Love, Loss

Dear Universe,

Sometimes it truly seems like you are conspiring against me.

I have started orientation for the new job. It's going well, but today was extremely physically challenging for me. I will bear the bruises for awhile I think. Just two days left and then I start program specific orientation and training. That should be easier, but boy does it suck to feel every single second of my age. Who knew I was really 103, lol.

That isn't really what I am referring to though. Physical challenges, while difficult, I can get through, I'm stubborn that way. No, I am referring to the message from my SIL that was waiting when I got home.

I have tried so hard to disregard the visions you keep sending, to keep my spirits up and believe that my brother is going to beat this. He deserves to beat this, he is fighting so hard. His family and children deserve to have such a fine man in their lives for many, many years yet.

Despite all that, it doesn't look as if that is meant to be. The chemo didn't work. The pet scan showed that the cancer has spread. Truth be told, I already knew that, but it still hurt to hear that it was true. They had to tell their boys today. I don't know where either one of them found the strength to do that. The boys are devastated, I understand, so am I.

He has been extremely ill this past week and in quite a bit of pain. He will be admitted to the hospital, again, tomorrow, for some surgical procedures to try and help reduce the pain. He will be starting on a new cancer drug.  We are all hopeful, but statistics show that this drug will likely do nothing but prolong his life, the average time it extends it is 1.4 months. God damn google anyway.

Of course, we will take every day we can get, but it is so infuriating that I am so far away and can not spend these days with him. It makes me want to rage, and scream that it isn't fair. This man spent half his life deployed in defense of our country and now, now that he has fulfilled his duty and is entitled to finally be there for his family, it isn't going to happen. I know life isn't fair, but really, this sucks big time.

I am in awe of his internal strength. He hasn't given up, he continues to fight with every ounce of energy he has. I continue to pray every day that he will succeed, that he will beat this awful disease and live to a ripe old age. Much like me, his first grandchild is due soon, I pray he lives to see that day and hold that child in his arms.

Most of all, I pray every day, that I will see him alive one last time before he goes, for I know in my heart what you have shown me. He will not survive this fight. That makes me so exceedingly sad.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Better Off Alone

Dear Universe,

Sometimes it's so obvious that my family takes me for granted. Today is Mother's Day. I'm a Mother of two children. I've sacrificed everything for my husband and children and asked very little in return. Guess what that gets me? Yep, very little.

I willingly set aside my hopes and dreams to make them happy. I've not lived up to my potential or experienced the things I wanted to experience because they needed me. I've not taken the chances, or attempted to grab the brass ring, for them.

Today is Mother's Day, it has been an exceedingly lonely day for me. I didn't hear from daughter. I never hear from her unless she needs something from me. My son did finally come home, but he didn't even wish me a Happy Mother's Day. Musicman made me breakfast, but then he spent the rest of the day napping. I have no idea how someone can nap for 5 hours, but he manages it.

While he slept, I cooked dinner and watched movies, all by myself. I would usually do laundry today, but I declined to do that, because it's Mother's Day. That just means I will have to do it tomorrow. No big savings that.

What exactly is it I'm doing wrong? Why do they not appreciate the fact that everything I do makes their life easier? When will someone in my life treat me as a worthy human being?

I'm beginning to think the answer is never. I have some very important things going on next week, I need Musicman's support, but so far, I'm not getting it. These are the kind of days that make me think I would be better off alone. Days like this make me wish for the strength to truly do what makes ME happy. That would not involve them, which is why I don't, but maybe someday I will be that strong.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

An Honorable Man

Dear Universe,

I love my husband more than should be legally allowed, I also know he is one of the most honorable men I know. That's not who I want to talk about today. I want and need to talk about my brother.

I did not grow up with the best home life. There was so much abuse, that once I escaped at age 17, I never looked back. I also have struggled to get past the way I was raised in order to develop a closer relationship with certain family members.

The hardest one to develop has been with my youngest brother. His birthday is 2 days before  mine, but he is 9 years younger than I am. I was too busy as a young girl trying to protect myself to care anything about a baby brother. Due to our age difference he was still very young when I left home. I didn't know him at all, until we both became adults.

He is an extremely smart man. I have a genius IQ, his is higher than mine. I identify as an empath, I don't know if he does, but he has some of the same abilities to pick up on the energy that I do. The first time we spoke about it, it was comforting to be able to talk with someone who understood what it is like to tune in that way.

He has spent the last 20 years serving our country in Navy, he attained the rank of chief and is a top notch electrician. He is extremely creative and can draw like no ones business. He is also a very accomplished wood worker.

Despite the fact that he has spent half of the last 20 years deployed all over the world, he is a very devoted father. He married a woman who already had 3 young sons, they went on to have one together. He loved and raised all of the boys as if they were his own. They have grown up to be fine young men and a credit to both their parents.

This man makes me so proud to call him my brother. If something were ever to happen to my beloved Musicman, this is who I would turn to for help and support. I wish I could reveal more, I wish I could share the essence of who he is as a man with everyone. All girls should be so blessed to have a brother like him.

He's not doing well right now. He continues to lose weight and is down to 190 lbs. He is 6' 5" so he must be mostly skin and bones by now. The internal bleeding continues and he is often very, very ill. He hasn't given up, he never says he can't do this, he continues to say, " I will win". If anybody can beat stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer, it's him.

I struggle to believe this, not because I doubt his strength, or the love he has for his family that keeps him fighting. I struggle because of that dang energy and the visions it brings. They aren't comforting and I am hoping against hope that what I keep seeing does not come to pass. If anyone has the strength and fortitude to change their future, it's him. I'm doing my best to focus on that.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Patience Pays Off

Dear Universe,

The patience paid off, yesterday I was offered the job I have spent the last three weeks interviewing for. It's taken three years, but I think I finally found the right place for me. Thank you. I was so excited I called Musicman at work to tell him. I usually only call if it is an emergency, but I just had to share the news with him right away. He has been so patient and supportive throughout this process that I wanted to share the good news with him.

I start the week after next, so only one more week of unscheduled time for me. I will have to spend some time next week getting the preliminary stuff done, paperwork and a physical need to be completed. That should be relatively easy to accomplish, a bit time consuming, but not too bad.

I haven't heard how my brother's treatment went yesterday, which worries me some. My SIL has a tendency to not respond when she doesn't want to worry me with bad news. I'm hoping everything went well and I will try again today to reach her.

Even that worry wasn't enough to dampen my spirits about the new job though. I really believe this is going to be a good fit for me. The staff, from what I've seen so far, are pretty awesome and the clients should be fun to work with. For the first time in quite a long while I am genuinely excited about a job.

We had a lovely celebration last night. Definitely worthy of a faerie post, but I sorta doubt I will post anything. The only one I really feel like sharing with is Musicman. It was absolutely wonderful, multiple implements, which I loved every minute of, combined with overt domination and I was one happy girl.

I do wish I had communicated a bit more during the encounter. Seems writing is not the only place I have lost my voice. I was never good at talking during intimate encounters, but with his encouragement it was starting to improve. I love the words, they fan the flames of arousal and I would like to give that to him too. I suppose I just need more encouragement from him to get moving in that area again. He used a word last night that he rarely uses, "Master". He hasn't actually ever said he wants me to call him that, but I think maybe he does. Something I will have to work on too.

I still haven't made any decision about my faerie blog. I want to keep that window into my head open for Musicman, but I'm not feeling it for any other reason right now. Maybe I will take it private for just him and I for a while. Or, maybe not, I don't know.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Just Catching Up

Dear Universe,

My brother is supposed to go for his last chemo treatment today. He was too weak last week to get it, so it was rescheduled until today. Still waiting to hear if he is actually going to be strong enough to get it. He continues to have internal bleeding and has lost 10 lbs since last week. He can't afford to loose that much weight as he was always on the slim side.

If he is able to have the treatment done today then they will do another Pet Scan in two weeks. That will tell us definitively if the chemo is working or not. Of course we are all hoping for positive results, but I still have doubts. I suppose that's normal. I'm just hoping that if the results aren't what we want to hear that he does not get discouraged and give up fighting.

Not much else going on here. I had my third interview for this job on Monday. I think it went well, though I did get the impression that one of the two women didn't care much for me. Hopefully I am wrong about that and she was just stressed about something else. They did tell me it could be a few more weeks yet before I hear anything. I'm trying my best to be patient and positive.

I do believe we are finally making some progress on the home repair that we have been working on. That's good news.

Other then that, all I can say is I can feel myself pulling back some from everyone. I'm not feeling much like writing, even though I did figure some important things out, it has been hard to write about them. I don't really want to focus too much on it and feel I've already written too much about it.

I just can't really get into the mindset to write or to read or comment much. I am again questioning if maybe I just have nothing left to say as faerie. We are in a pretty good place with the D/s and not much new is going on, so nothing much to say.

It's kind of ironic that when I left last time, I started to miss it it almost immediately. Now that I have gone back, I think it might have been a mistake. I just don't feel very comfortable doing it anymore. It's more of a struggle then it should be. Later this month it will hit the two year mark since I started that blog, how much more could I possibly have to offer. With all the other things going on in my life right now, it may be time to let it go and move on. Oh well, I'm not going to worry about it, it will work itself out eventually.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Stressed

Dear Universe,

It's been awhile since we last chatted. Too much on my mind to even write lately.

I interviewed for a great job two weeks ago. They called me for a second on site interview, which I did last week. I think it went well, but I haven't heard anything since then. They did tell me it could take a couple weeks to do the background checks and such. I'm trying very hard not to get anxious or stressed, but everyday that goes by without hearing makes it harder and harder.

There have been home repair issues that have been of concern, but as hard as it is to deal with, there isn't much I can do about the situation. That is frustrating and so is the fact that Musicman after working 10 hours a day has to come home and deal with it. That means not much energy left for playtime, so that has waned some too.  I know, it's selfish of me to even think that, I'm trying not too, but it's hard.

I suppose the biggest news and the biggest stressor would be my brother. He had his last chemo treatment today. He had been pretty stable, despite the fact that he is still losing weight. He really couldn't afford to lose any weight as he has always been on the slim side.

Today they realized that he is bleeding internally and his bilirubin levels are climbing. Neither of those are good things. He has had to be on major blood thinners because he has been having issues with bloodclots from the beginning. The choice between bleeding internally and bloodclots is no choice at all, they are both bad.

The rising bilirubin levels likely means the tumor has grown and is now blocking the bile ducts. That's not good either. I'm very afraid that he may be getting close to the end of this journey and that's a fact I don't want to face.

Yes, I could go on and on about how unfair it all is, but we both know that will accomplish nothing. Life has never been fair and I don't expect that will change anytime soon.

I've gone back to writing in my other blog, but it isn't as comforting as it used to be. I read my friends blogs, but I rarely comment. I just can't seem to find the words, that  makes me feel like I am being a bad friend. They have always been quite supportive of me and I can't seem to do the same for them.

I've been putting a lot of effort into inviting the positive into my life and that is helping some, but most days I still feel like I just want to run and hide. I suppose that has something to do with why I haven't been by to chat recently too.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

An Unseen Consequence

Dear Universe,

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I am struggling so much to find gainful employment. It's not that I don't want to work, I just don't want to work full time. I want and need the time to have balance in my life, that's become very important to me.

I realize that growing up the way I did, with such pervasive abuse for the majority of my childhood, has caused more issues for me then I orginally recognized. Yes, I knew that it affected my ability to trust people. I knew it affected my ability to bond with my own kids and to doubt my effectiveness as a mother. I won't even get into how it affected my sex life. What I didn't realize until just recently is that it affected the way I perceive money and what I do for money.

I grew up in a typical middle class home, the abuse was hidden so well that no one ever suspected what was going on behind closed doors. For someone on the outside looking in, I had a wonderful childhood. A nice house, vacations, toys, clothes and a private school education, I had everything money could buy.

I learned very early on that money represented freedom, so I started working early. I started to babysit at 11, by 14 I was working at a local fast food place. I paid for all my own clothes and supplies throughout highschool and by 16 was paying rent. That allowed me some freedom. Since I was supporting myself and as long as I followed the few rules they had, they left me alone.

I've come to realize though, that I feel as if I never had a childhood. I was never innocent, never had the chance to be silly and do childish things. I admit, I've never been great at handling money. I can do it, I just don't want to. I don't want to be responsible and worry about paying bills. I know this is because money does not represent happiness to me. I saw this too much growing up.

My Mother didn't care what my Father was doing, as long as she had the money to live the way she wanted to live. As long as she had the showplace home, the showplace kids and the clothes and shoes and all the other trappings money could give her, she was happy.  She was happy, but I wasn't.

I've worked hard to recover from the issues I knew about. I still don't trust many people. I still question how effective I am as a Mom, but I continue to work on being the best one I can be. I have no idea how I get over this aversion to money, the resentment I feel about the need to work and earn money. How do I get over not having the time to do what I want with my life just because it won't make me any money? When do I get time to play? It sometimes feels like I am living my life in reverse.

Give me the strength and the incite to hear the answers.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Standing at a Crossroad

Dear Universe,

I've often heard it said that if you follow your passion the money will follow. What happens when you loose your passion?

That is what I have been facing for some time now. I followed my passion,  I gave it my all, too much really. I got caught up in life and being everything for everyone, because that was my passion. I was a caregiver. I knew from a very early age that is what I wanted to do.

Circumstances conspired against me and I did not follow my passion as far as I could have. Even though I tried several times to obtain the higher education needed to make myself and what I had to offer, more valuable, it never worked out.

I didn't let that stop me though. I worked hard, took every opportunity to gain knowledge when it was offered. I moved up in my career and got caught up in the politics of corporate health care. That's when things started to go wrong. That's when the passion started to die, when I became less and less happy with my career.

Unfortunately, I was making decent money, so I ignored the feelings of dissatisfaction. I understood that I was dissatisfied, but my family needed the money to survive and thrive. I was too busy "having it all" to see that in reality, I was loosing myself. By the time I did open my eyes and see what was happening, it was too late.

I was no longer feeling the passion, I was so caught up in corporate health care that I didn't protect my own morals and ethics. When the career ended, I knew it would be okay. I knew I needed to spend the time to my find myself and feel the passion again.

I've been doing just that, finding myself, I feel the passion again, but not for being a caregiver. I don't think I can ever go back to that. I have accepted that and with the corporate takeovers that are occurring here where I live, the jobs in health care are few and far between anyway.

I am a middle aged woman with excellent customer service skills and a strong base of knowledge. I have much to offer, but of course, it comes with a price and employers aren't willing to pay that price. They realize that they can hire some one younger, less experienced, less talented, pay them less and they will still do an adequate job. If they don't, there are hundreds more people for them to choose from.

I haven't quite figured out how to proceed from here. What exactly do I feel passionate enough about to pursue a career in? Nothing really. There are things I want to do with my life, things I want to learn and dabble in, but none of that will bring me any money. Or, I should say, nothing I know how to make money doing. Just the thought of having to try and make money at them makes me ill.

I want to do things for the pure joy of doing them, learn new things for the experience of learning. That sounds quite ideal, unfortunately, it doesn't pay the bills. I've been standing at a cross road for some time now, it's time to pick a direction and move on already. Time to try and pave the way to new experiences.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Another Change

Dear Universe,

I said it had been a long week, now it's time to dump.

I got fired yesterday, I actually asked them to fire me. I'm not so good at quitting, they didn't want me to quit. I was the ideal employee for them. I just couldn't handle the lack of respect, the lack of recognition of me as a human being. I felt like cattle, I can't accept that.

I'm a professional, I conduct myself with professional behavior. I'm a hard worker, one of those employees that is at work 15 minutes before the shift starts so I'm prepared for the day. I dress appropriately, I don't behave in a vulgar manner. I know how to show people respect and make them feel valued and heard. That wasn't enough for them.

They wanted me to commit to being there until the work was done. They know they are overloading the employees, they don't care. They want to eliminate humans from the equation. In the line of business they are in that is not possible.

My immediate boss was very kind and understanding about everything and asked if she could call me in the future if they get a another contract where the bosses aren't so ridiculously ignorant. I said yes. It wasn't the people I worked with that were so impossible, it was the out of town people. They contracted the work out but wanted to retain complete control of the work. No problem with that, they just set totally unattainable expectations.

The local bosses know this, but have been unsuccessful in changing anything. People are dropping out of the program like flies. They will likely soon lose the contract because they can't keep any staff. I kinda hope that does happen and that the big boss from NYC takes a serious hit to his business because of it. Clearly he values money more then he does people and that is just wrong. At least in my opinion.

I do have an interview on Monday, which is good. I'm just so tired of starting over. I'm also a bit concerned about whether or not I can do this job physically. Guess all I can do is try.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Offensive? Me? Maybe!

Dear Universe,

It's been such a long week already and it's only Thursday Morning. We haven't seen the sun in a few days, which doesn't help. The skies have been crying and the roads are flooding. It's not predicted to stop for several more days yet, ugh. I suppose I should be happy that at least the temps are above freezing and it isn't snowing, yay.

Work has been worse than usual, if you can believe that. The big boss has been in from NYC and of course, we have to pretend like everything is sunshine and roses. He walks around asking questions and giving advice and we aren't allowed to say anything negative. I've told them to keep him away from me, cause I won't lie about the way things are. He didn't come near me yesterday, I hope I get as lucky today.

Honestly, I think he is a bit intimidated or possibly, offended by me. Yeah, probably offended by me. He is an extremely religious man. I won't say what religion, but it's one that has very strict beliefs about women and there appearance and demeanor. I'm sure all my ink offends him, quite possibly my long wild hair does too. Oh well, let him be offended, I'm not a member of his religion and never will be.

I am still pursuing other options and continue to put in applications and send out resumes. I have to believe that the right opportunity will come along, hopefully soon.

In other news, things are going pretty well with the kids, all quiet on that front for the moment. Musicman is still on the meds that work so well and is feeling pretty good. That's a good thing for me, cause I worry a little less about him when he is feeling good. It also means plenty of playtime for us. I would be happy playing all the time, but I will take whatever I can get.

Give me the strength and the sanity to get through this day smoothly and quickly.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Frustration as Fuel

Dear Universe,

Ugh, yesterday was awful. My attempts to embrace the positive did not last long once I got to work. That place is awful and I don't know how much more I can handle. They dump on you, they treat you like you are less than human. And they do it all in the name of the almighty dollar. I suppose that is a big part of my problem, I won't do just anything or allow myself to be treated badly for a buck. There is a word for people that do that, it's whore. I'm not a whore.

Aren't there such things as labor laws in this country? The way they conduct business they must be violating some of those laws. I am going to take this frustration and use it as fuel to find something better. I know there is a lesson here somewhere, I just don't see it yet.

This ongoing situation of trying to find a job that is right for me has taught me one thing. My wonderful husband loves and supports me no matter what I'm going through. I knew that already, but I am being reminded of it daily right now and I'm so grateful for that.

I know he is frustrated with this situation too. He doesn't like to see me so lost, unhappy and stressed, but there is really very little he can do to fix it for me. He does the only thing he can do, he listens, he gives advice when he has some to offer and he provides stress relief for me.

I will continue to explore all the possibilities I can find and leave myself open to something good happening. With Musicman's continued love and support and some divine intervention I know eventually I will find the right place for me.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Monday Musings

Dear Universe,

It's Monday, which always finds me struggling to face the realities of life. The realities that take me outside my home and the mindset I'm so comfortable in. The realities that force me to go to a job I am really beginning to despise. I'm still looking for something more appropriate, but it's slim pickings out there.

The sun is shining and it is supposed to warm up to the mid 60's today. I'm hoping that helps my mood improve. I felt it starting yesterday, the Sunday spiral that always hits me at the end of the weekend. I did my best to not let it overwhelm me and had some small success.

Of course, it would have been easier had Musicman decided to take advantage of the empty house for some play time, but he didn't. The fact that we had plenty of playtime over the last several days had something to do with that. I just always seem to want more than he does.

I'm trying very hard to embrace the positive and not let myself become overwhelmed, but that's not easy for me. My hip has been bothering me since yesterday morning. Musicman has a habit of using me to push himself up and out of bed. I've never cared for that habit, but I never say anything unless he unwittingly hurts me. Yesterday, he hurt me. He planted his hand right on my bad hip and then pushed all his body weight on it, ouch. I heard and felt the crunching in the joint and I'm still feeling the pain today.

I know he did not mean to hurt me, he would never willingly hurt me, but it hurts. It also makes me worry about how much longer it will be before I can no longer go on ignoring the fact that I have something major going on in that hip. Needless to say, I'm not looking forward to 6 hours of sitting at my desk today.

We heard on the news last night that a young co-worker of Musicman's was injured in an accident last night. That and the pain I'm dealing with just serve to point out to me that we all have a finite time here and we need to make the most of it. I don't feel like I am making the most of it right now because I am not following my passion, work takes up too much of my time and I struggle not to resent that.

Give me the strength to get through this week at work without major stress. I continue to leave myself open to all opportunities and sincerely hope I find a way to meet my obligations without resenting the drain on my time.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

YAY!!! FRIDAY!!!

Dear Universe,

It's my favorite day of the week, Friday! The sun is shining and it's even starting to warm up some. That's always a blessing, thank you dear friend :)

We found out yesterday our grandbaby is a girl. I didn't have a preference, but my daughter did. She wanted a girl, so she is quite excited about it. I just keep imagining Musicman with a granddaughter, he's gonna be such a great Grandfather. In my opinion, he's gonna be the sexiest grandfather on the planet, but I might be a little biased.

We have our appointment with the specialist for Musicman, it's six weeks away. I don't know who this doctor is, but once all the info comes in the mail, I will most likely be calling them to see if it can be moved up. In the mean time, we need to call Doc again, the meds he prescribed aren't working.

Musicman's energy is still so low, and he is in quite a bit of pain, that is just not acceptable. Time for the pitbull to chew some ass and gets things done. Hmmm...I wonder if Doc warned the specialist about me? Musicman's doctors tend to do that, warn each other that I'm difficult at best, to deal with.  Of course, I'm not difficult to deal with, as long as they are doing their very best. If they aren't, that's when I become difficult.

I'm happy to say, my shoulder is still where it's supposed to be. The pain has subsided quite a bit, but the neck continues to give me issues. Spending 6 hours a day on a computer with only a 10 minute break has a lot to do with it, I know. There just isn't much option to change that situation right now, but I continue to try.

Musicman, despite the fact that he isn't up to par, continues to help with wonderful massages. The man has serious magic in his hands. I try not to push him too much, but when he tunes out on me is when I begin to struggle. He seems to have tuned back in, that's a very good thing for me.

He does have some things to take care of for some extended family members this weekend, so hopefully that won't use up all his energy. He's just so generous, he won't tell them no, and he won't even tell them he's not doing so well physically. I suppose no one wants others to think they are weak, but really, no one who knows Musicman would ever think that about him. I know I never do, even when I see him struggling so much.

Here's to a quick day at work and a wonderful weekend together, maybe even some playtime.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Friction

Dear Universe,

It's been such an up and down week and it's only Thursday morning. Musicman has been under the weather, which always upsets me. Unfortunately, he doesn't handle seeing me upset all that well. I doubt he realizes that I'm upset because I can't make things better or that the possibility of loosing him scares me. Definitely got some friction going on.

I've been in quite a bit of pain myself, which never helps. I knew that the pain in my shoulder was originating partly in my neck and partly in my shoulder. I suspected that my shoulder may have slipped out of joint. Now, I know that is a fact. Nothing like walking around for a month with your shoulder out of it's socket to cause pain.

I finally get it popped back in on Tuesday night. It's still sore, but it feels much better. The pain coming from my neck is still there, but not as bad. Today I'm dealing with back spasms that I believe are being caused by my shoulder being out for so long.

I've been trying to stretch every evening to loosen things up, cause this probably isn't going away any time soon. I have to sit at a computer for 6 hours a day at work. In that 6 hours I only get a 15 minute break, that is what is causing the aggravation in my neck. I try very hard to sit with good posture, but sitting that long in one spot is hard to do.

Physically, I'm feeling about 110 years old right now. I'm doing what I can to make things better, but it's slow going. Having Musicman under the weather and upset with me isn't helping matters either. I know he doesn't mean to take his bad mood out on me, but he does, and that hurts more than anything.

Give me strength, give me peace, give me one day where the pain subsides, then I will be strong enough to face everything else.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Brutal Day

Dear Universe,

I tried so hard yesterday not to spiral out of control. I embraced the positive which buoyed my spirits some, until I got to work. The amount of cases they have assigned, is not physically possible to complete in the time I have available. That stresses me some.

Musicman tells me not to worry, do what I can and don't worry about the rest. Great advice, if only I could take it. I just can't do any less than my best, when my best isn't good enough, I start to have problems. I know that what they are asking of me is too much, but when I voice that, they don't care.

I don't really care that they don't care. What I do care about is the fact that I need this paycheck. I don't want to jeopardize my family and our home. I heard from co-workers yesterday that the out of town supervisors are coming in this week, possibly today, ugh.

I don't think it is a good idea for me to talk to them. Having done their job before, I am going to find it very difficult not to tell them EXACTLY what I think. Musicman tells me to say whatever I need to say. If I do that, I will probably get fired. To which he says, so what, let them fire you.

I love the fact that he is so supportive. I love that he lets me rant and rave and get it all out. He understands he can't fix this for me, but he always offers words of support and advice. That is a true gift to me. I just don't want to let him down, and if I end up getting fired for running my mouth that is how I would feel.

Of course, I also feel guilty coming home so emotionally and physically exhausted that I can't even make dinner. He never judges or ridicules or is disappointed in me for that, but I am. It's that need I have to be all things to all people. I am trying to change that mindset, but it's just not easy for me. Especially when it's the things I want to do that I can't get done.

Give me strength to get through this day in a better manner then yesterday.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Holiday Weekend

Dear Universe,

It was an odd weekend. The weather was gorgeous, warm and sunny, finally. It didn't last long as the temp has dropped 30 degrees and it's snowing again, but at least we got a little bit of a break. Seeing the sun always makes me feel better.

Musicman was so tired this weekend, he napped both days. I really used to hate when he napped so much, but I have accepted that he needs more sleep than I do. Heck, most people need more sleep than I can accomplish, though it hasn't been too bad lately.

Our son has been arguing with his girlfriend all weekend. The phone calls, the hangups followed by more phone calls. It makes me a little sad for both of them. His girlfriend is a very nice young women and she's in a difficult situation at home. She shouldn't take it out on our son, but I suppose for as young as she is that's normal.

They did finally get past it and he did go to see her last night. Musicman gave him a ride and announced right before leaving the things we would be doing when he got home. Woohoo, let playtime begin!!!!!

As you know, yesterday was a holiday. Holidays are hard for us. They you used to be big boisterous affairs with lots of family. We've lost so many of them over the years and the few that are left don't really connect anymore. That makes me sad, but a friend sent a picture of an egg she decorated for me. That was so sweet, just the pick me up I needed.

I had some news of my brother over the weekend. He was well enough to spend quite a bit of time out doors on Saturday. I'm sure the fresh air and sunshine helped him too. I should be deliriously happy to hear this, but I have my doubts. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy he has this time to be with his family and is well enough to enjoy things.

I just can't get the images out of my head. Those flashes that started as soon as I got the first call. The way so many of them have come true, I know not to ignore the messages that came through. Of course, I've learned the hard way over the years not to ignore them anyway.

I'm not going to talk about the ones that I've seen that have yet to come true. They weren't good news and I don't want to put that out there. I would rather think, that while true, I don't have all the specifics yet. That is the only way I can hang on to hope that he is going to come through this.

Sometimes, seeing these things is very difficult to deal with. If I ever really saw positive things, it would be easier, but that's not usually what comes through for me. I accept that you send me these messages, but I also accept that I don't always get all the information or understand them the way I would like.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

I Can't Promise

Dear Universe,

Yanno?

This is the place I come to dump my thoughts.

I'm in desperate need tonight.

Work sucked big time today.

My arm was numb when I arrived.

It's what I've come to think of as, "mouse arm". It's a repeated use injury. I'm doing my best to alleviate it, but there doesn't seem to be any longterm relief in sight.

Musicman helps as much as he can, he gives great massages.

It's a temporary fix at best.

I'll totally take that.

This was a day of struggle and strife.

They are so stupid, so unprofessional, so discourteous.

When did common courtesy go by the wayside?

I don't deal well with being disrespected, treated as a second class citizen. I don't treat people that way and I will no longer accept that kind of treatment in return. I guess they still haven't quite figured that out about me.

They are learning, slowly.

I'm struggling some, because, in a way, I've been here before. I've done this job, I see the mistakes they are making.

I could help them.

I could make things better.

I'm not  that committed.

I don't want to devote that much time.

That is not who I wish to be.

I will try to leave myself open to opportunities.

I can't promise any more than that.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Boring is Good

Dear Universe,

It's Friday again, that always makes me happy. I'm definitely looking forward to the weekend. The weather is supposed to get warm and maybe we'll even get to see some sun. The sun poked it's head through the clouds last evening long enough to give us a gorgeous sunset.

It's Easter this weekend, but that doesn't mean anything out of the norm for us. We aren't so good at holidays anymore. We've lost so much family that they feel just like any other day. That will change soon, holidays are so much more fun with a baby around.

I think we have major chores around the house to get done, Musicman more then me really. I will have my usual laundry and housework, but there are some major repairs for him to do. He was funny last night. He found me cleaning the kitchen at about 9:00. He said it confuses him when I just disappear and when he comes looking, I'm scrubbing something.

I think he has become a little spoiled. For the past few years I took care of all this stuff while he was at work. He seems to have forgotten that it doesn't do itself. Why else would he always act so surprised to find me doing housework? It makes me wonder who he thinks is doing it. Silly man.

I don't want to wish my life away, but I hope work goes quickly today. I'm tired and sore and really don't feel much like working. I expect most people feel that way by the end of the week. Oh well, I guess I should just be grateful I have a job, they aren't easy to come by these days.

Maybe I will bake something this weekend. A treat for my sweetie. He's got a wicked sweet tooth and it's been awhile since I made anything for him. Things have been too hectic, but they are starting to settle down some. Time to get back into a more normal routine. Normal is boring, but I don't mind boring, it gives me time to take a breath.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

My Mind Overflows

Dear Universe,

So much on my mind today. It's STILL snowing. Can't you make it stop, please? At this rate, I'm never gonna get to wear the the pretty new shoes and dresses I've been acquiring.

Work was a drudge yesterday. I'm seriously gonna crawl through the computer lines and strangle that bitch in NYC if she doesn't back off. The onsite supervisors are smart enough to leave me alone and let me do my thing, but not her. She has the ability to totally tick me off via email. She sent me 10 emails on one case yesterday, all because her assistant didn't follow through the way she should have.

The good thing is if I figure out how to get to her the onsite supervisors have not only given me permission to strangle her, they have requested I hit her once for them. They have told me they know, I know what I'm doing and they don't worry about my work. That's always nice to hear. Of course they have so many others that are still learning that they are most likely grateful to have someone that doesn't need constant attention.

They are having a potluck lunch tomorrow. I haven't decided if I am gonna participate yet or not. I probably should, play nice and all that happy crap, yanno. I just really don't feel like it. Everyone is nice enough and I'm starting to be more comfortable in the less then professional environment. I'm just not all that committed to this place and I'm okay with that. I'm not interested in getting to know them all that much. I can't imagine ever seeing any of them outside of work, so why pretend I want to be their friends?

On another note, our daughter moved out while I was at work yesterday. She left a lot of her stuff here and she kept her house key. She sent me a message saying she would be hanging out here on days she has appointments. She moved out of the city, about an hours drive away, but her boyfriend is working here in the city. On days she has appointments, she will come in town with him in the mornings, then go to her appointments and then come back here till he picks her up at the end of the day.

I was actually going to suggest she do just that. That means we will still get to see her and see first hand how she is doing. I'm still not convinced that she is in a stable place, but I'm trying to remember that she is an adult and has her own journey to take and her own lessons to learn.

We find out next week, Thursday I think, if she's having a boy or a girl. Once we know, I do believe I'm gonna dust off my crotchet hooks and make a blanket or two for the baby. I've never tried to make anything as complicated as booties or hats, but maybe I'll look for some instructions and give it a try.

We did finally get some private time last night. Our son stayed at his girlfriend's house. I had a feeling he would, cause she stayed here the night before. That occurred against my wishes. He asked if she could, I told him no. They both know I don't approve or condone that. He did it anyway and I didn't find out until I heard her leaving early yesterday morning.

He has been following the rules pretty well since he came back home. I admit, I wondered how long that would last. Now I know, not very long.

We got some good news from the south too. My brother has been stable. He is finally able to eat a little bit orally, though he is still loosing weight. He hasn't had to many bad side effects from the chemo treatments, which is wonderful news. I don't know if they have done any tests to see if the tumors are shrinking yet. I have asked, but my SIL kinda just gives me the info she feels like sharing. She is bipolar and I worry about her not having enough support,  even though I ask how she's doing she usually blows those questions off.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Getting Moving

Dear Universe,

It's hump day, yay. I'm feeling really good today, if a little bit sore. I needed to get my big butt moving and get some of the winter weight off. I'm not a big eater to begin with so restricting calorie intake doesn't help me much. The only thing that really helps is getting moving, another lovely side effect of menopause.

I started on the treadmill again this week. I've been up and on it by 7:30 every morning. It is definitely helping my back loosen up, which is wonderful. My hips and legs are screaming at me, but if it helps me slim back down I'll live with it.

I have started keeping a weigh in log too. That helps keep me on track. I have a goal in mind and seeing the progress in black and white is very helpful to me. If I can lose 20 pounds I will be back where I was last summer. I was happy at that weight, but am hoping to lose 40 pounds this time.

I know it is time to stop when Musicman starts telling me not to lose any more weight. Isn't that truly music to any woman's ears? A man saying you are the perfect size and he doesn't want you getting any skinnier? He makes me laugh, cause he always says he doesn't want me to lose my butt. I have a bubble butt. I have been heard to say my butt exits a room ten minutes after I do. The fact that he likes it so much has gone a long way in changing how I feel about it.

We thought for a second we were going to get some private time last night. Our daughter left just as we were getting home so Musicman offered to give our son a ride to his girlfriend's house. No go though, he wasn't feeling well and didn't want to go out. What does it take to catch a break with these two?

Of course, I had to be a tease anyway. I usually change clothes as soon as I come home from work. Last night I waited until he was ready to go up and change and went with him. I removed my skirt first and then my sweater. I guess the fact that I was walking around in OTK socks and lace panties insired him. A fly by spanking did occur. Hey, a girls' gotta do what a girl's gotta do. The socks get him every time, they are magical.

I thought I had decided what I was gonna do about my other blog, about being faerie. As you know, I still want to give her a voice, but it seems things are changing. I thought when I was ready to give her her voice back I would just go back and post occasionally. Now, people are starting to find me here and since I had to have my faerie pics it is pretty easy to figure out that I am faerie. Maybe there is a way to link the two blogs.

I have to give this more thought. I can't imagine too many people are interested in the day to day goings on I write about here, but do I want to keep two seperate blogs or do I want to write about everything here. I so love my faerie persona I can't give her up. Definitely needs more thought.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Great News

Dear Universe,

Great news! Our daughter finally got her GED. I've only been pushing her to do that for 5 years now. She is such an intelligent young girl, it broke my heart when she quit school. I'm so proud of her, it's definitely a step in the right direction.

She has also said she found a place to live and might be moving out soon. I'm not gonna hold my breath on that one. I'd like to see her settled in her own place, she'd be so much happier. I just really want her to find a stable place so that she can be ready when the baby comes. I'm not so sure the place she found is the ideal situation, and I fear even if she does move out, she will be back before too long.

Having her living on her own would be one step closer to us having our empty nest back. That would be so nice. We could have had some private time last night since our son went out for the evening, but our daughter was home. This is starting to get quite ridiculous that we can't seem to get them coordinated enough to both be gone at the same time.

I have been really considering starting to write as faerie again. I have started reading and commenting on some of my friends blogs recently. Sorta dabbling my toe back in the waters of submission so to speak. Friends have been very encouraging when I leave comments and through email.

Something is holding me back though and I'm not quite sure what it is. Fear maybe. Fear that I will dive back into that mindset and then have to abandon it again. I couldn't handle that. I so enjoy that mindset, it's such a comfortable place for me. I'm happy being her cause she was never damaged and can feel true joy. I want that again.

I want to continue exploring that lifestyle. I do feel as if we have lost some ground. Heck, we picked up something this weekend that according to blogland is a very effective and quiet implement. I haven't even mentioned that fact to Musicman. I don't know if he has even considered using it as an implement. I don't think he looks at things with a spanko eye the way I do, so it may not have occurred to him.

Some of the reason we have lost ground is the lack of privacy, but some of it is because I just refuse to allow myself to go there. I miss it, I want to go back, I want to be her again. And yet, I just don't feel ready. If I could figure out exactly what was preventing me from embracing it again, I could move forward.

The odd thing about leaving it all behind is the only thing that has really changed is the way I feel and the way I think about myself. It hasn't changed the way I interact with Musicman too much. Of course, starting into the lifestyle didn't really change much about how we interacted on a daily basis anyway. I was already submissive in our daily lives, at least as much as he wanted me to be.

I know the reasons for that. It was easy to let him be the leader. He wasn't damaged, he knew what a normal, loving home was like and I felt he could show me how to have it too. I was right about that, and I've never regretted deferring to him. I'm not always happy with his decisions, but I always know he has a good reason. I've also always known that he was open to discussing anything I didn't agree with. There have been plenty of times when after those discussions he has changed his mind too. He's not a dictator, he is a wonderful leader.

I think too that part of the problem is the time commitment. Writing a popular blog that gets a lot of comments is time consuming. I enjoy the interaction with my commenters and always answer all of them. Of course, it's not blogland that makes me feel the pressure. It's not like I have to answer the comments at any given time. I just feel guilty taking time for myself.

I know I shouldn't feel that way. I know I deserve to have interests and hobbies of my own.  I've just never been very good at taking care of myself. I'm great at taking care of others, myself, not so much. I think too, that I still have it tucked away in the back of mind that Musicman could make me start it again. That's a silly thought, he would never do that, it's really just my longing for his dominance that still nurtures that thought.

I've definitely got some more thinking to do before I make the leap back into being faerie.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Pretty Panties

Dear Universe,

Thank you for the lovely weekend. It didn't get warm, just about made it up to freezing, but the snow stopped and the sun came out. That always helps.

Musicman and I had a nice weekend together. I could have wished for a bit more playtime, but I always want more playtime. What time we did have together was pretty fabulous, even if I did have to stuff a pillow in my mouth to stifle the screams.

Musicman has been joking lately, saying we need to get the kids some noise cancelling ear phones. He likes it when I get loud. He likes it even more when he is in total control of my body and wrings more from me then I ever thought I could give. I guess it's true what they say about 50 being the new thirty and sex getting better with age. It sure has.

We also had a wonderful time doing vanilla things too. We did some shopping, checked out some indoor flea markets and junk stores. One of my favorite activities, I do so love getting a good deal. We were up and out early and got to most of the stores as soon as they opened. We beat the crowds and had time to stroll around looking at any thing and everything together.

Some of the things we saw were a stroll down memory lane. Others sparked thoughts of the future and how we would ideally like things to be. Ahhh, it's always good to have goals. I got some amazing deals on some dresses and tanks. I do love a beautiful sundress, or a long flowing skirt with a cami style tank.

I love my femininity and enjoy accentuating it. I wear dresses most days. I find them comfy cozy, and Musicman likes them too. His is a touchy feely kinda guy and enjoys the softness. I like being able to bring that softness into his life. I especially like when he lets his hands roam under and up beneath the skirts for random swats and feels. Even after all these years it makes me giggle.

I also bought some new undies. Pretty panties are a girl's best friend after all. I've never been a big undie wearer, preferring to go commando. That's what Musicman prefers, and I do like to please my man. Since I have to work all week I have to wear them, so they might as well be pretty ones. These are, they are all lace in the brightest colors. I think Musicman will like them even though he prefers me not to wear them.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Six Hours

Dear Universe,

It's Friday, yay!!!

Just six hours of work and then freedom for two whole days. Of course there will be errands and chores to do, but I don't mind that at all. I enjoy getting up and out on Saturdays and getting the errands done. There's just something so satisfying about taking care of my family and it gives me time with Musicman. I always look forward to that, I'm a tad bit addicted to the man.

I'm definitely hoping for some privacy tonight, playtime would be nice. We have had several encounters this week, but I'm not exactly the quiet type. Having the chance to play without having to be quiet is always the best way to play. We almost had the chance last night, our son called to say he was staying at his girlfriend's house. Unfortunately 5 minutes later, our daughter came home.

I really need to talk to those two and encourage them to get their schedules in sync a bit better. They would probably be mortified to hear their father and I would like some time alone, but they are adults, I think they can handle hearing it. Of course I won't be providing specifics, that they don't need to hear.

Maybe, just maybe, I will be inspired to write a post for faerie. Just maybe though, I'm still not sure I'm ready to return to it, even though I admit to missing it so much. I find it inspiring and fulfilling to write in such a positive manner, a celebration almost, of a truly beautiful connection.

It's still snowing here, so snuggling up together, watching movies and playtime are the perfect weekend agenda. It's starting to feel like Spring is never gonna get here. Maybe it will be one of those years that goes straight from Winter to Summer. That's not too unusual for life here on the lake shore.

My mood continues to stay stable, most likely because things haven't been too stressful this week. The kids are not causing issues other than the lack of privacy. I'm starting to feel more comfortable at work. Most importantly, Musicman is having a great week health wise. He's had a lot of energy, which he's been sadly lacking of late. Understandable considering his health issues, he so strong, but he's not indestructible. It's just been so nice for him to have enough energy for work commitments and still have some energy at the end of the day for me.

He has been giving me massages almost every night and the pain in my shoulder that has been plaguing me is finally starting to feel better. Getting older is not for the weak or faint of heart.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Gratitude

Dear Universe,

More snow over night, the light, fluffy, pretty kind. So pretty to look at, not as much fun to drive in.  Musicman(aka Mr.) always makes sure I have a good car with good tires, so driving in the snow isn't all that bad.

I'm trying to invite more positive energy into my life and am feeling the need to practice gratitude. I have so many things to be grateful for.

Musicman, yes, I miss referring to him as Musicman. I may not exactly know who I am at times, but I always know who he is. He is my Musicman, the man who saved me from a terrible life. The man who loves me even when he doesn't really understand me. The man who has always said, "I just want you to be happy," and he sincerely means that. Everyone should have a Musicman in their life. He is the most amazing person I know and he's all mine. I'm very grateful for that.

My beautiful, talented, daughter and the grand baby she's carrying. No, I'm not thrilled that she isn't doing it the "right" way. I wish she was married and more stable before she becomes a Mom.  I just know how much harder it will be for her with out a strong partner to help her. It's important that I remember this is her journey, not mine. I'm grateful to be here and be able to offer her the support she needs. I'm grateful that within just a few short months there will be a new little one to love, and I'm looking forward to seeing Musicman as a Grandpa. He's gonna be awesome.

My smart, if challenging son. He hasn't lived up to his potential, and been more of a challenge than I would have liked sometimes, but he's so much like me. He doesn't let people push him around, he is a unique soul. He is a leader who needs the chance to find his voice. I see so many qualities in him from his father, he will be a fine man with lots to offer the world.

My home, it may be too large for me to keep up with now, but it has been a haven from the world for us. It was a perfect place to raise our kids and soon will have the laughter of babies in it again. It's not a showplace, it's not perfect, but it's filled with love.

My job, I may not love it, but it really is what I asked for. A way to utilize my experience and knowledge from my time as a caregiver without all the stress. No one dies or becomes sicker if I don't get it all done immediately and perfectly. The atmosphere is different, one I'm still adjusting too, but I can be me there and I don't have to play any games or kiss any one's butt to to survive.

My friends, both in real life and those I've met here through my writing. Their love and support has meant so much to me. I've found people who understand me and while they may not be exactly like me, or facing the challenges I face, they still welcome me with open arms. They may being experiencing their own challenges and struggles, yet they still take a moment to reach out with a hug or kind word. That's priceless and I'm so grateful for them.

Yes, today is a good day to practice gratitude. Maybe next time I am caught in the downward spiral I will remember this post and come back and read it and remember how much I have to be grateful for.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Spring between the Snowflakes

Dear Universe,

It's the first day of spring and I see the sun peaking out, yay. Unfortunately, it's cold and snowy too. Such is life on the lake shore.

Things here are on the upswing. Mr. is feeling better, the meds they put him on are making him feel pretty good. When he's good, I'm good, that's just the way it works for me.

I'm still adjusting to the new work environment, but it's getting easier. I first thought I wouldn't deal so well with such a nonprofessional environment, but I'm finding that's not the case. Most of the people that work there are very tough people. I've already seen one drug deal occur, had one person tell me she's a junkie and had two other women tell me their husbands are in prison.

These are not the kind of people I'm usually exposed too, and while I probably won't ever be socializing with them any time soon, I like them. I like the fact that they are honest about who they are and what real life is like for them. It allows me the leeway to be who I am without fear of judgement or ridicule. I find that very refreshing.

The actual job is okay, not too challenging, though I am starting to get more and more cases everyday. I am wary of becoming overwhelmed, but I just need to remember how to handle it if I do become overwhelmed. I've never been the shy retiring type and that trait will serve me well in this situation. Finally, a job where speaking up, saying it like it is and not having to "play the game," is a reality. I never was good at playing the game.

Maybe now I can start to find some balance between my sub side and my independent side. I do realize that I had been burying my sub side for many years, cause I didn't think I could be her and survive in the world. That's the reason I stopped writing as faerie for the moment. I didn't know how to be her out in the world and not get hurt.

Approaching this new situation from my non sub side has worked well for me. Except for the fact that I miss her. So, I suppose I need to focus on slowly starting to incorporate more of her into me. Yes, I know it sounds a little crazy that I talk about myself as if I'm different people. Don't we all have many sides?  I think so and I acknowledge that fact.

It really is just a shift in thinking for me. My attitude changes, but my behavior and the way I interact in the world doesn't. I went so deep into my sub side and was so happy there, cause she is the one that feels all the joy. She still has some innocence and wonder in her, she's the part of me that wasn't damaged by the abuse. She's the part of me that wasn't hardened to pain and suffering in her life.

She was too easily hurt by everything, so I dove the other way and sought to deny her. I am starting to believe I can be both. I'm not entirely sure how, but I'm very motivated to figure it out. I'm motivated to be the be the best me I can be and that requires me to acknowledge and embrace both my tough side and my soft side.

I think it would help me to integrate my sides if I started writing as faerie again, but I'm not ready for that, yet. Maybe soon.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

A Snapshot In Time

Dear Universe,

It's days like this I wish I was still writing my sex blog. Then I could tell you how nice last night was. Finally some privacy and some stress relief for me. Of course it's not just vanilla sex, though that's fun too.

I've considered telling my friends in the TTWD community about this blog and trying to combine the two. I miss being faerie and Mr. being Musicman. I just haven't decided yet what I want to do. It's nice to have a place to write about the everyday stuff and not just all the D/s stuff.

Of course the other bloggers in the community always read what I wrote no matter what the subject. It just feels like a different voice writing here. And, Since no one really reads here, I think I feel a little freer to write.

I got to know many of the people in the community very well, I know their real names, where they live and all about their families. It is nice to make friends, but I think once I started doing that it became harder to write the difficult stuff.

Of course I've also realized that thanks to menopause I don't handle the stress of life nearly as well as I used to. The things we have going on now are difficult, but they are in no way as difficult as some of things we have faced in the past. I made the mistake of thinking for a bit that it was being a sub that was making me feel weak. I now know that is not true.

If anything being a sub made me stronger, cause I believed in him as my Dom to be there to support me and reel me back in when I needed it. It is those stupid hormones flying around uncontrolled that make me feel weak. That was a huge problem when we first embarked on a D/s lifestyle, my emotions and how out of hand they were.

Then when we had an empty nest, we had all the time in the world to play and play we did, often. I was able to stay on an even keel then. I didn't experience so many highs and lows. I'm just not sure what I really want I guess, oh those lovely hormones.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Statistics Show

Dear Universe,

Statistics show that caregivers die before the people they care for. I have seen this to be true many times in my career and a few times in my personal life as well. I didn't doubt it, but now I know why it's true.

Care givers die of frustration because the people they are caring for don't listen. Yes, Mr. is still not feeling well and for the second time in three days I woke up to him yelling at me. Cause everyone knows it's perfectly okay to abuse the people who care about you the most, right?

If he had just listened to me and called Doc two days ago, he would already be on the medicine and starting to feel better. But no, he didn't want to call Doc, and he would let me call him. This morning he told me to call him and ask for the medicine. I did call and ask, but they want to see him.

He's not happy about having to go and see him and based on his reaction, he blames me for not doing what he said. I tried, but they wouldn't listen. So I got yelled at, yay. Now, with very little sleep, cause our son's girlfriend decided it would be a good idea to call our home and wake me up at one in the morning. Not once, but twice she called. And after having been yelled at by him, I'm off to work.

And he wonders what's wrong with me. Maybe the answer is I'm just mentally exhausted and feeling ignored and under appreciated. I also had a first for me during the short amount of time I did sleep, I had a dream. That's not so unusual, it was what the dream was about that was so unusual. It was about TTWD. I've never dreamt about it before. Guess it's been on my mind a bit too much lately.

I'm sure it's because I'm not getting what I need, but I've pretty much given up on getting what I need. That would take effort on his part. He made it pretty clear to me on Saturday with the things he said, that he doesn't like the woman I've become, nor am I worth his time or effort.

It's just gonna take me some time to accept that and let it go. I really believe being truly happy was not in the cards for me in this life time. Maybe in my next life I will choose to be selfish and go after the things that make me happy instead of always putting everyone else's needs first.

I am working on accepting that happiness is only rare snapshots in time for me. It may take awhile, but eventually I will achieve that mindset. Maybe.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Emotional Tsunami

Dear Universe,

I've had the kind of weekend I dread. Mr. woke up ill yesterday, that often  makes him cranky. That he definitely was. He said some really mean things to me. Things that hurt my feelings and made me cry. Of course these days, thanks to menopause, I cry easily.

He did apologize later, but my feelings are still hurt. I know he doesn't care for the wild mood swings and the tears, but he doesn't seem to understand that I can't control them. Believe me, if I could, I certainly would. Not only that, but I would share the answer with women all over the world.

I've attempted to explain to him many times how out of control I feel. It's one of the reasons I need him to be in control. He just never quite seems to grasp it. He thinks when I proposed a D/s lifestyle that I just wanted sex games. I admit, I did want that, but that's not all I wanted. I wanted and needed to know that when these hormonal storms hit, he will be there to take control. He knows how to take the control. He knows what I need to get back in control, he just isn't interested.

If I were a candidate for HRT, I would do it, but I'm very high risk for breast cancer and won't chance it. I do my best to manage the hormones through diet, exercise and vitamins and supplements, but it's not 100%. When we had the privacy to play several times a week things were better. I stayed on an even keel.

Now, with the kids both living back at home, we rarely get a chance to play. Maybe once a week if we are lucky. That's just not enough to keep me flowing along. The storms hit and I am lost in a Tsunami of dark emotions, confusion, rage, anger and hurt. Let's not even mention the hot flashes and night sweats, those are miserable.

It upsets me greatly that my body feels so foreign to me, that my whole attitude and outlook on life seems to have changed. Being a sub made me so happy, it made me feel like my normal positive self. Mr. just never seemed to grasp or embrace it as anything more then sex games and after almost 2 years of trying to explain it, I finally gave up. Maybe someday I will attempt to explain it to him again, though I doubt it will do any good.

Oh well, maybe someday things will be better. Menopause can't last forever, right? Please tell me I'm right.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Maybe Tomorrow

Dear Universe,

It's late, I'm exhausted, I should be sleeping. However, such is not the case. I've often thought: sleep is a competitive sport. I'm often on the loosing team.

My mind just runs amok. Too many thoughts, zipping through my mind. Too much energy, I'm over stimulated. I need an outlet, a way to dispel the darkness, but none readily reveal themselves.

I know what would work, but no opportunities are present. Responsibility is deeply rooted.  I want to be her.  I can not be her. I must be someone I don't much care for. It's what society in general expects. It's what my family needs.

I put on the game face and hope no one sees through the cracks. If I show weakness, they will take me down at my knees. I must be strong, I will endure. I may not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I still believe it's there.

I did not get my wish. Peace and quiet, a chance to hibernate, rejuvenate, was not achieved. I am now forced to find another way to recharge and continue on.

I have a choice or two. One I can control, one I can not. The one I can not control is most effective, but far beyond my reach. I'm too tired to say again, what I need. I refuse to beg. Really, what's the use? No one listens, no one cares. No one understands the things I can't articulate.

He tries sometimes to understand. I can't blame him for falling short. I'm not an easy woman. I'm a complicated mess of emotions, hormones and wildly flying hair.

Too many people rely on me to have the answers. Weakness and need is not an option I can indulge. I don't like that much, I'm tired and worn down. Haven't I fought hard enough? Haven't I earned the right to put myself first? Apparently not. Maybe tomorrow?

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

I Want

Dear Universe,

It's Friday, yay!!! I just gotta get through one more day at work and then 2 whole days of freedom. It's been quite the roller coaster week and I'm exhausted. Not physically exhausted but mentally exhausted. All I want is some peace and quiet.

Mr. wants to go out tonight to see some friends. We rarely go out and I usually look forward to the opportunity to go out and socialize. Not today. Today, I want to be left alone. I don't want to go to work and spend 8 hours trying to convince people to make unimportant things a priority. I accept that I have to do that, but then, all I want is time alone.

The swinging door I seem to have on my home that allows my grown children to move in and out willy nilly has prevented me from having any time to myself. I'm happy to be here and to have the ability to offer them a safe haven when they need it. However, I do wish they were a bit more stable so they wouldn't need to keep coming back home. Especially since they never seem to come alone.

They brings little dogs that chew everything under the sun. They bring partners that have nothing to offer. They irritate each other and complain about it on facebook. Really? Do we really need to to be so juvenile? They are grown ass adults, they need to start acting like it already.

They never stop to consider that their actions might have an impact on me or what I might want. I suppose they think Mom's aren't meant to have a life, or desires of their own. For many reasons, including actions on Mr.'s part, I am feeling used, and not in a good way.

When I'm in the right mindset, I can handle him being selfish and using me for his own pleasure, with no regard to mine. Those are the times I very much enjoy serving him and pleasing him. The problem occurs when I am not in the right mindset and he knows it and does it anyway. That just pisses me off and he knows it.

I think he justifies it in his own head by telling himself it's my unruly hormones. Yes, those do sometimes play a role in it, but not always. I didn't bother to correct him last night when he said it, cause I just felt so defeated. It's not like this is the first time it has happened, I've explained it to him several times. It has become apparent that he either hasn't been paying attention, otherwise he would remember. Or, he just doesn't care. I don't know which it is and right now, I don't care.

I am not going to go out with him tonight, which is extremely rare for us. We are almost always together in social situations. I just don't have the energy, nor am I in the mood to go out and be nice to people. I'm all used up and have no desire to put myself out there and leave myself open to being taken advantage of more.

I plan on going to work, doing my job and then coming home and locking myself in my bedroom to spend a quiet evening all by myself. I'm not gonna think or worry about him or what he wants. I'm not gonna think or worry about the kids and what they are going through. I'm not gonna think or worry about my old dog that is literally on his last legs, or that stupid little dog of my daughter's that chews everything in sight. I'm not even gonna spare a thought to what she might chew next. They are material things that can easily be replaced.

Peace and quiet. Time to myself to do whatever I want, even if that something is nothing at all. That's what I am aiming for today.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Thank You

Dear Universe,

It's time to practice gratitude, the simple act of saying thank you. Thank you for helping me achieve the things I seek. Thank you for providing an abundance of love in my life. Thank you for always listening and reminding me to focus on the positive and leave myself open to receive guidance.

I spoke to my boss yesterday. I'm so used to jumping through hoops to get what I want and need on the job. I was pleasantly surprised that my proposal of reducing my hours was met with agreement and support. Yeah!!!!!

I am inordinately pleased and excited about that. It has buoyed my entire mood. I feel as if I have finally achieved that last piece of the puzzle. Like I can be productive and contribute financially to my family without entirely loosing the side of myself I just found.

I also realize that I let myself get overwhelmed with all the challenges I was facing. I spent way too much time focusing on the negative and the things I felt like was loosing or having to give up. I don't know how I could have forgotten that negative attracts negative.

I didn't really forget, I just let it all overwhelm me, I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see it now and it's beautiful. I can see happiness again. Yes, I still have to work hard, but it feels more balanced. Yes, we still face the challenges of supporting our children through tough times ahead. My brother is still very ill and the possibility of loosing him continues to be an ever present threat.

Yet, I now feel the shift in myself. A calmness and a knowing that we will survive and thrive again. I feel opportunities are available and all I have to do is reach out and grab them. I can be and do the things I want to be and do.

And through it all, my stalwart husband never strayed from my side. Ours is truly an epic love story. I am eternally grateful you brought this man into my life. We've shared years of love and happiness. We've become stronger as a couple for all the challenges we've encountered and overcome. He is my savior and I am his. Thank you.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Hump Day Hang Over

Dear Universe,

I'm so tired today. I have a melatonin hang over. I couldn't sleep last night, so I took extra to help me sleep. I slept well, but had weird dreams. Today I'm having trouble shaking it off.

I'm trying to ignore the fact that I'm tired and have to go to work. It's too depressing to think about the fact that work takes all my energy. I hate not having the ability to do the things I want to do because I always have to work.

So, I'm gonna think of positive things. I'm gonna picture the conversation of asking to work part time hours and getting a positive response. Maybe that will keep my mind from straying to thoughts of, "I hate this job." This job isn't necessarily any worse than any others, I'm just having a hard time adjusting to the environment.

I've never worked in this kind of environment before. It's loud, it's too warm, and it is chocked full of less then professional behavior. That's hard for me to deal with, as I'm used to an extremely professional environment.

My alter ego has been on my mind a lot lately too. I miss writing as her. I miss being her. I don't know if I will ever return to being her. I want to, but I don't know if I can, or should. I think I write better as her, but I have my doubts about starting it again.

Mr. never mentions missing reading her, which of course leads me to believe he doesn't. It's probably a relief to him to not feel obligated to read and respond to her. I could, of course write for myself, that's why I originally started that blog, but the feed back and the support was so nice.

Being in her headspace feels so natural and it feels like I am losing her. I think about popping in and doing a post, but then I don't. I don't want to start again, only to not have the time to continue. I guess I should wait a little more time. Maybe soon I can get the work hours I want and get settled into some kind of regular routine. That will help, it seems like I've been at loose ends trying to put this one last piece of the puzzle in for a long time now.

I'm gonna stay strong, I'm gonna go for what I want, I'm gonna think positive and manifest a positive outcome. I will get my sub back. I miss being faerie.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower