YAY!!! FRIDAY!!!

Dear Universe,

It's my favorite day of the week, Friday! The sun is shining and it's even starting to warm up some. That's always a blessing, thank you dear friend :)

We found out yesterday our grandbaby is a girl. I didn't have a preference, but my daughter did. She wanted a girl, so she is quite excited about it. I just keep imagining Musicman with a granddaughter, he's gonna be such a great Grandfather. In my opinion, he's gonna be the sexiest grandfather on the planet, but I might be a little biased.

We have our appointment with the specialist for Musicman, it's six weeks away. I don't know who this doctor is, but once all the info comes in the mail, I will most likely be calling them to see if it can be moved up. In the mean time, we need to call Doc again, the meds he prescribed aren't working.

Musicman's energy is still so low, and he is in quite a bit of pain, that is just not acceptable. Time for the pitbull to chew some ass and gets things done. Hmmm...I wonder if Doc warned the specialist about me? Musicman's doctors tend to do that, warn each other that I'm difficult at best, to deal with.  Of course, I'm not difficult to deal with, as long as they are doing their very best. If they aren't, that's when I become difficult.

I'm happy to say, my shoulder is still where it's supposed to be. The pain has subsided quite a bit, but the neck continues to give me issues. Spending 6 hours a day on a computer with only a 10 minute break has a lot to do with it, I know. There just isn't much option to change that situation right now, but I continue to try.

Musicman, despite the fact that he isn't up to par, continues to help with wonderful massages. The man has serious magic in his hands. I try not to push him too much, but when he tunes out on me is when I begin to struggle. He seems to have tuned back in, that's a very good thing for me.

He does have some things to take care of for some extended family members this weekend, so hopefully that won't use up all his energy. He's just so generous, he won't tell them no, and he won't even tell them he's not doing so well physically. I suppose no one wants others to think they are weak, but really, no one who knows Musicman would ever think that about him. I know I never do, even when I see him struggling so much.

Here's to a quick day at work and a wonderful weekend together, maybe even some playtime.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Holiday Weekend

Dear Universe,

It was an odd weekend. The weather was gorgeous, warm and sunny, finally. It didn't last long as the temp has dropped 30 degrees and it's snowing again, but at least we got a little bit of a break. Seeing the sun always makes me feel better.

Musicman was so tired this weekend, he napped both days. I really used to hate when he napped so much, but I have accepted that he needs more sleep than I do. Heck, most people need more sleep than I can accomplish, though it hasn't been too bad lately.

Our son has been arguing with his girlfriend all weekend. The phone calls, the hangups followed by more phone calls. It makes me a little sad for both of them. His girlfriend is a very nice young women and she's in a difficult situation at home. She shouldn't take it out on our son, but I suppose for as young as she is that's normal.

They did finally get past it and he did go to see her last night. Musicman gave him a ride and announced right before leaving the things we would be doing when he got home. Woohoo, let playtime begin!!!!!

As you know, yesterday was a holiday. Holidays are hard for us. They you used to be big boisterous affairs with lots of family. We've lost so many of them over the years and the few that are left don't really connect anymore. That makes me sad, but a friend sent a picture of an egg she decorated for me. That was so sweet, just the pick me up I needed.

I had some news of my brother over the weekend. He was well enough to spend quite a bit of time out doors on Saturday. I'm sure the fresh air and sunshine helped him too. I should be deliriously happy to hear this, but I have my doubts. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy he has this time to be with his family and is well enough to enjoy things.

I just can't get the images out of my head. Those flashes that started as soon as I got the first call. The way so many of them have come true, I know not to ignore the messages that came through. Of course, I've learned the hard way over the years not to ignore them anyway.

I'm not going to talk about the ones that I've seen that have yet to come true. They weren't good news and I don't want to put that out there. I would rather think, that while true, I don't have all the specifics yet. That is the only way I can hang on to hope that he is going to come through this.

Sometimes, seeing these things is very difficult to deal with. If I ever really saw positive things, it would be easier, but that's not usually what comes through for me. I accept that you send me these messages, but I also accept that I don't always get all the information or understand them the way I would like.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Spring between the Snowflakes

Dear Universe,

It's the first day of spring and I see the sun peaking out, yay. Unfortunately, it's cold and snowy too. Such is life on the lake shore.

Things here are on the upswing. Mr. is feeling better, the meds they put him on are making him feel pretty good. When he's good, I'm good, that's just the way it works for me.

I'm still adjusting to the new work environment, but it's getting easier. I first thought I wouldn't deal so well with such a nonprofessional environment, but I'm finding that's not the case. Most of the people that work there are very tough people. I've already seen one drug deal occur, had one person tell me she's a junkie and had two other women tell me their husbands are in prison.

These are not the kind of people I'm usually exposed too, and while I probably won't ever be socializing with them any time soon, I like them. I like the fact that they are honest about who they are and what real life is like for them. It allows me the leeway to be who I am without fear of judgement or ridicule. I find that very refreshing.

The actual job is okay, not too challenging, though I am starting to get more and more cases everyday. I am wary of becoming overwhelmed, but I just need to remember how to handle it if I do become overwhelmed. I've never been the shy retiring type and that trait will serve me well in this situation. Finally, a job where speaking up, saying it like it is and not having to "play the game," is a reality. I never was good at playing the game.

Maybe now I can start to find some balance between my sub side and my independent side. I do realize that I had been burying my sub side for many years, cause I didn't think I could be her and survive in the world. That's the reason I stopped writing as faerie for the moment. I didn't know how to be her out in the world and not get hurt.

Approaching this new situation from my non sub side has worked well for me. Except for the fact that I miss her. So, I suppose I need to focus on slowly starting to incorporate more of her into me. Yes, I know it sounds a little crazy that I talk about myself as if I'm different people. Don't we all have many sides?  I think so and I acknowledge that fact.

It really is just a shift in thinking for me. My attitude changes, but my behavior and the way I interact in the world doesn't. I went so deep into my sub side and was so happy there, cause she is the one that feels all the joy. She still has some innocence and wonder in her, she's the part of me that wasn't damaged by the abuse. She's the part of me that wasn't hardened to pain and suffering in her life.

She was too easily hurt by everything, so I dove the other way and sought to deny her. I am starting to believe I can be both. I'm not entirely sure how, but I'm very motivated to figure it out. I'm motivated to be the be the best me I can be and that requires me to acknowledge and embrace both my tough side and my soft side.

I think it would help me to integrate my sides if I started writing as faerie again, but I'm not ready for that, yet. Maybe soon.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower