Rage, Love, Loss

Dear Universe,

Sometimes it truly seems like you are conspiring against me.

I have started orientation for the new job. It's going well, but today was extremely physically challenging for me. I will bear the bruises for awhile I think. Just two days left and then I start program specific orientation and training. That should be easier, but boy does it suck to feel every single second of my age. Who knew I was really 103, lol.

That isn't really what I am referring to though. Physical challenges, while difficult, I can get through, I'm stubborn that way. No, I am referring to the message from my SIL that was waiting when I got home.

I have tried so hard to disregard the visions you keep sending, to keep my spirits up and believe that my brother is going to beat this. He deserves to beat this, he is fighting so hard. His family and children deserve to have such a fine man in their lives for many, many years yet.

Despite all that, it doesn't look as if that is meant to be. The chemo didn't work. The pet scan showed that the cancer has spread. Truth be told, I already knew that, but it still hurt to hear that it was true. They had to tell their boys today. I don't know where either one of them found the strength to do that. The boys are devastated, I understand, so am I.

He has been extremely ill this past week and in quite a bit of pain. He will be admitted to the hospital, again, tomorrow, for some surgical procedures to try and help reduce the pain. He will be starting on a new cancer drug.  We are all hopeful, but statistics show that this drug will likely do nothing but prolong his life, the average time it extends it is 1.4 months. God damn google anyway.

Of course, we will take every day we can get, but it is so infuriating that I am so far away and can not spend these days with him. It makes me want to rage, and scream that it isn't fair. This man spent half his life deployed in defense of our country and now, now that he has fulfilled his duty and is entitled to finally be there for his family, it isn't going to happen. I know life isn't fair, but really, this sucks big time.

I am in awe of his internal strength. He hasn't given up, he continues to fight with every ounce of energy he has. I continue to pray every day that he will succeed, that he will beat this awful disease and live to a ripe old age. Much like me, his first grandchild is due soon, I pray he lives to see that day and hold that child in his arms.

Most of all, I pray every day, that I will see him alive one last time before he goes, for I know in my heart what you have shown me. He will not survive this fight. That makes me so exceedingly sad.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Holiday Weekend

Dear Universe,

It was an odd weekend. The weather was gorgeous, warm and sunny, finally. It didn't last long as the temp has dropped 30 degrees and it's snowing again, but at least we got a little bit of a break. Seeing the sun always makes me feel better.

Musicman was so tired this weekend, he napped both days. I really used to hate when he napped so much, but I have accepted that he needs more sleep than I do. Heck, most people need more sleep than I can accomplish, though it hasn't been too bad lately.

Our son has been arguing with his girlfriend all weekend. The phone calls, the hangups followed by more phone calls. It makes me a little sad for both of them. His girlfriend is a very nice young women and she's in a difficult situation at home. She shouldn't take it out on our son, but I suppose for as young as she is that's normal.

They did finally get past it and he did go to see her last night. Musicman gave him a ride and announced right before leaving the things we would be doing when he got home. Woohoo, let playtime begin!!!!!

As you know, yesterday was a holiday. Holidays are hard for us. They you used to be big boisterous affairs with lots of family. We've lost so many of them over the years and the few that are left don't really connect anymore. That makes me sad, but a friend sent a picture of an egg she decorated for me. That was so sweet, just the pick me up I needed.

I had some news of my brother over the weekend. He was well enough to spend quite a bit of time out doors on Saturday. I'm sure the fresh air and sunshine helped him too. I should be deliriously happy to hear this, but I have my doubts. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy he has this time to be with his family and is well enough to enjoy things.

I just can't get the images out of my head. Those flashes that started as soon as I got the first call. The way so many of them have come true, I know not to ignore the messages that came through. Of course, I've learned the hard way over the years not to ignore them anyway.

I'm not going to talk about the ones that I've seen that have yet to come true. They weren't good news and I don't want to put that out there. I would rather think, that while true, I don't have all the specifics yet. That is the only way I can hang on to hope that he is going to come through this.

Sometimes, seeing these things is very difficult to deal with. If I ever really saw positive things, it would be easier, but that's not usually what comes through for me. I accept that you send me these messages, but I also accept that I don't always get all the information or understand them the way I would like.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower