In Times of Trouble

Dear Universe,

Would it help if I begged? Because I will, please, please don't take my brother away. We need him here. His family loves him and needs him here.

His organs are shutting down. His heart is starting to fail. The internal bleeding has become so bad that he is now requiring several blood transfusions. If I can't figure out how to get there within the next few days, I may never see him alive again.

I feel the urgency. His wife has stopped telling me the truth about what the doctors are saying. I know she isn't doing that to be mean, but because she is in shock and is overwhelmed with the information. How in the world can anyone process the fact that they are about to lose their husband at age 39?

How do you process the fact that as a military wife, you spent so much time alone, being both mother and father, while your spouse was deployed defending our country, only to be hit in the face with the fact that he is leaving, forever this time?

I want to be there, I need to be there, and yet, life goes on and requires me to be here. I want to help and yet, I feel so paralyzed. I feel guilty I that prayed so hard for this new job to workout and you answered that prayer.

Did I not pray hard enough for my brother to survive? I know I did, but I also knew, because you showed me, that despite the fact that he would fight hard, he would not survive. I've know that from the beginning, but I always chose to believe that you were wrong.

Knowing, does not lessen the pain. Knowing what the outcome will be only enhances the feelings of helplessness and despair.

I have always struggled with the visions you send, because they are so painful. I've learned to accept, even when I can not embrace, the things you choose to show me. I fought acceptance of these visions in the beginning, but I soon learned you were never wrong.

I hate you at this moment in time, for not allowing me the ignorance of innocence. Can you please, at least stop the visions? They are so painful to experience and I know what you show me, I will have to live through.

Maybe you think of it as a way to warn me, a way to arm myself against the pain. It isn't really working that way for me. I just experience the pain twice over.

You've given me Musicman. I trust him and know he will get me through the darkness. I know all I need to do is turn toward him and he will hold me up in times of trouble.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Rage, Love, Loss

Dear Universe,

Sometimes it truly seems like you are conspiring against me.

I have started orientation for the new job. It's going well, but today was extremely physically challenging for me. I will bear the bruises for awhile I think. Just two days left and then I start program specific orientation and training. That should be easier, but boy does it suck to feel every single second of my age. Who knew I was really 103, lol.

That isn't really what I am referring to though. Physical challenges, while difficult, I can get through, I'm stubborn that way. No, I am referring to the message from my SIL that was waiting when I got home.

I have tried so hard to disregard the visions you keep sending, to keep my spirits up and believe that my brother is going to beat this. He deserves to beat this, he is fighting so hard. His family and children deserve to have such a fine man in their lives for many, many years yet.

Despite all that, it doesn't look as if that is meant to be. The chemo didn't work. The pet scan showed that the cancer has spread. Truth be told, I already knew that, but it still hurt to hear that it was true. They had to tell their boys today. I don't know where either one of them found the strength to do that. The boys are devastated, I understand, so am I.

He has been extremely ill this past week and in quite a bit of pain. He will be admitted to the hospital, again, tomorrow, for some surgical procedures to try and help reduce the pain. He will be starting on a new cancer drug.  We are all hopeful, but statistics show that this drug will likely do nothing but prolong his life, the average time it extends it is 1.4 months. God damn google anyway.

Of course, we will take every day we can get, but it is so infuriating that I am so far away and can not spend these days with him. It makes me want to rage, and scream that it isn't fair. This man spent half his life deployed in defense of our country and now, now that he has fulfilled his duty and is entitled to finally be there for his family, it isn't going to happen. I know life isn't fair, but really, this sucks big time.

I am in awe of his internal strength. He hasn't given up, he continues to fight with every ounce of energy he has. I continue to pray every day that he will succeed, that he will beat this awful disease and live to a ripe old age. Much like me, his first grandchild is due soon, I pray he lives to see that day and hold that child in his arms.

Most of all, I pray every day, that I will see him alive one last time before he goes, for I know in my heart what you have shown me. He will not survive this fight. That makes me so exceedingly sad.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Sunny Monday

Dear Universe,

The sun is shining today, that always helps put me in a good mood. I've got lots to do today. The inevitable housework and cooking, letting the dogs in and out a few hundred times. That silly little dog wants to go out every time I am in the vicinity of the door.

Usually, I enjoy Monday's and housework. That's my time to shine, to make a cozy, comfy home for us. It also gives me plenty of time to think about things. Now though, I feel no one values a cozy, comfy home any more. I also can't waste my time thinking about the things I usually think about.

No one cares if I'm good at being submissive. No one cares if the garbage is emptied and the bed  made. He'll eat just about any thing I make, and if I don't make anything he will find something to eat. It took me a while to figure out that he doesn't place as much value on these things as I do.

It was easy to realize it though, when he said nothing to me letting it all go. Yeah, it took me awhile, but I finally realized what I find important and fulfilling is not the same as what he finds important. I've know for so long that money really is the only important thing to him, but I wanted to deny that.

I wanted to believe that my happiness with the simple things in life where important to him. I was fooling myself. He is fine with me taking pleasure in the simple things in life, as long as I'm also bringing in an income. If I don't want to push myself to do both, that's fine with him, as long as I bring in an income.

That makes me sad. I listen to the energy and I am hearing the messages. I know none of us are promised tomorrow, so we need to take joy in every day. I put the part of me that feels the joy away. She is isn't strong enough to deal with the challenges of daily life all by herself. He's no longer interested in protecting her, so she's gone.

That is a complete reversal of what I want and what I feel is important, but it's what I need to do to survive at the moment. I am afraid that I will lose her entirely and never feel that kind of joy again, but it's better then risking her being hurt.

Oh well, I suppose it doesn't truly matter, in just a couple short days I will be at the new job. That won't make me happy, but it will take up much of my time. He will be happy I have a paycheck coming in. I suspect he will be happy that I will be too tired to write much and way too tired to lament what I feel I have lost. He won't need to step outside his comfort zone and pay attention anymore.

He doesn't realize, nor do I think he cares, that he will never touch that secret part of me again. The part that he used to make fly, is firmly put away where he will never find it. I have no idea what I will do when work is no longer enough for me. I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower