Organized and Ready

Dear Universe,

I've had a busy day, but I'm as ready as I'll ever be to start the new job. I've been organizing closets and clothes and jewelry for 2 days and it's done. I haven't had to wear business casual in almost ten years. I am in serious need of some things.

I'm good with dress clothes, thanks to the fact that I wear skirts most of the time at home. A few cardigans to go over some of the tee's and cami's that I wear at home with my skirts and I should be good for office wear. I am in desperate need of shoes, undergarments and accessories such as belts.

Those are things I never wear at home. Once I get some dress shoes, and get used to wearing undies everyday, I should be all set. I have organized all my jewelry and almost look forward to wearing it again. It's been awhile since I have had to dress up for work. Uniforms are so easy, but not as much fun either.

I've been planning outfits and shoe shopping online and it has helped my entire outlook about the job. I'm just anxious and am ready to get it started. Too bad Mr. doesn't seem to understand this concept. He snapped at me last night because I was in a bit of a bad mood. He hasn't realized that part of the bad mood is due to the fact that he has backed way off with the dominance.

This is when I need it the most, when I'm stressed, but that has never been his default mode either. He has relied on me and my writing to let him know what I need. Since I haven't been writing in that blog he has been hesitant to give me what I need.

I can tell he feels me pulling away, but he does nothing to prevent that. I haven't told him, cause I can't focus on that right now. He had a long time to pay attention and embrace and learn what I wanted and needed from him. He didn't do that, and I'm done pushing to get him to step up. I'm back to being reliant on myself and am trying very hard to put myself and my own needs first. He is finding that confusing, but that's not my problem right now.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Sunny Monday

Dear Universe,

The sun is shining today, that always helps put me in a good mood. I've got lots to do today. The inevitable housework and cooking, letting the dogs in and out a few hundred times. That silly little dog wants to go out every time I am in the vicinity of the door.

Usually, I enjoy Monday's and housework. That's my time to shine, to make a cozy, comfy home for us. It also gives me plenty of time to think about things. Now though, I feel no one values a cozy, comfy home any more. I also can't waste my time thinking about the things I usually think about.

No one cares if I'm good at being submissive. No one cares if the garbage is emptied and the bed  made. He'll eat just about any thing I make, and if I don't make anything he will find something to eat. It took me a while to figure out that he doesn't place as much value on these things as I do.

It was easy to realize it though, when he said nothing to me letting it all go. Yeah, it took me awhile, but I finally realized what I find important and fulfilling is not the same as what he finds important. I've know for so long that money really is the only important thing to him, but I wanted to deny that.

I wanted to believe that my happiness with the simple things in life where important to him. I was fooling myself. He is fine with me taking pleasure in the simple things in life, as long as I'm also bringing in an income. If I don't want to push myself to do both, that's fine with him, as long as I bring in an income.

That makes me sad. I listen to the energy and I am hearing the messages. I know none of us are promised tomorrow, so we need to take joy in every day. I put the part of me that feels the joy away. She is isn't strong enough to deal with the challenges of daily life all by herself. He's no longer interested in protecting her, so she's gone.

That is a complete reversal of what I want and what I feel is important, but it's what I need to do to survive at the moment. I am afraid that I will lose her entirely and never feel that kind of joy again, but it's better then risking her being hurt.

Oh well, I suppose it doesn't truly matter, in just a couple short days I will be at the new job. That won't make me happy, but it will take up much of my time. He will be happy I have a paycheck coming in. I suspect he will be happy that I will be too tired to write much and way too tired to lament what I feel I have lost. He won't need to step outside his comfort zone and pay attention anymore.

He doesn't realize, nor do I think he cares, that he will never touch that secret part of me again. The part that he used to make fly, is firmly put away where he will never find it. I have no idea what I will do when work is no longer enough for me. I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower