In Times of Trouble

Dear Universe,

Would it help if I begged? Because I will, please, please don't take my brother away. We need him here. His family loves him and needs him here.

His organs are shutting down. His heart is starting to fail. The internal bleeding has become so bad that he is now requiring several blood transfusions. If I can't figure out how to get there within the next few days, I may never see him alive again.

I feel the urgency. His wife has stopped telling me the truth about what the doctors are saying. I know she isn't doing that to be mean, but because she is in shock and is overwhelmed with the information. How in the world can anyone process the fact that they are about to lose their husband at age 39?

How do you process the fact that as a military wife, you spent so much time alone, being both mother and father, while your spouse was deployed defending our country, only to be hit in the face with the fact that he is leaving, forever this time?

I want to be there, I need to be there, and yet, life goes on and requires me to be here. I want to help and yet, I feel so paralyzed. I feel guilty I that prayed so hard for this new job to workout and you answered that prayer.

Did I not pray hard enough for my brother to survive? I know I did, but I also knew, because you showed me, that despite the fact that he would fight hard, he would not survive. I've know that from the beginning, but I always chose to believe that you were wrong.

Knowing, does not lessen the pain. Knowing what the outcome will be only enhances the feelings of helplessness and despair.

I have always struggled with the visions you send, because they are so painful. I've learned to accept, even when I can not embrace, the things you choose to show me. I fought acceptance of these visions in the beginning, but I soon learned you were never wrong.

I hate you at this moment in time, for not allowing me the ignorance of innocence. Can you please, at least stop the visions? They are so painful to experience and I know what you show me, I will have to live through.

Maybe you think of it as a way to warn me, a way to arm myself against the pain. It isn't really working that way for me. I just experience the pain twice over.

You've given me Musicman. I trust him and know he will get me through the darkness. I know all I need to do is turn toward him and he will hold me up in times of trouble.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Maybe Tomorrow

Dear Universe,

It's late, I'm exhausted, I should be sleeping. However, such is not the case. I've often thought: sleep is a competitive sport. I'm often on the loosing team.

My mind just runs amok. Too many thoughts, zipping through my mind. Too much energy, I'm over stimulated. I need an outlet, a way to dispel the darkness, but none readily reveal themselves.

I know what would work, but no opportunities are present. Responsibility is deeply rooted.  I want to be her.  I can not be her. I must be someone I don't much care for. It's what society in general expects. It's what my family needs.

I put on the game face and hope no one sees through the cracks. If I show weakness, they will take me down at my knees. I must be strong, I will endure. I may not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I still believe it's there.

I did not get my wish. Peace and quiet, a chance to hibernate, rejuvenate, was not achieved. I am now forced to find another way to recharge and continue on.

I have a choice or two. One I can control, one I can not. The one I can not control is most effective, but far beyond my reach. I'm too tired to say again, what I need. I refuse to beg. Really, what's the use? No one listens, no one cares. No one understands the things I can't articulate.

He tries sometimes to understand. I can't blame him for falling short. I'm not an easy woman. I'm a complicated mess of emotions, hormones and wildly flying hair.

Too many people rely on me to have the answers. Weakness and need is not an option I can indulge. I don't like that much, I'm tired and worn down. Haven't I fought hard enough? Haven't I earned the right to put myself first? Apparently not. Maybe tomorrow?

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower