In Times of Trouble

Dear Universe,

Would it help if I begged? Because I will, please, please don't take my brother away. We need him here. His family loves him and needs him here.

His organs are shutting down. His heart is starting to fail. The internal bleeding has become so bad that he is now requiring several blood transfusions. If I can't figure out how to get there within the next few days, I may never see him alive again.

I feel the urgency. His wife has stopped telling me the truth about what the doctors are saying. I know she isn't doing that to be mean, but because she is in shock and is overwhelmed with the information. How in the world can anyone process the fact that they are about to lose their husband at age 39?

How do you process the fact that as a military wife, you spent so much time alone, being both mother and father, while your spouse was deployed defending our country, only to be hit in the face with the fact that he is leaving, forever this time?

I want to be there, I need to be there, and yet, life goes on and requires me to be here. I want to help and yet, I feel so paralyzed. I feel guilty I that prayed so hard for this new job to workout and you answered that prayer.

Did I not pray hard enough for my brother to survive? I know I did, but I also knew, because you showed me, that despite the fact that he would fight hard, he would not survive. I've know that from the beginning, but I always chose to believe that you were wrong.

Knowing, does not lessen the pain. Knowing what the outcome will be only enhances the feelings of helplessness and despair.

I have always struggled with the visions you send, because they are so painful. I've learned to accept, even when I can not embrace, the things you choose to show me. I fought acceptance of these visions in the beginning, but I soon learned you were never wrong.

I hate you at this moment in time, for not allowing me the ignorance of innocence. Can you please, at least stop the visions? They are so painful to experience and I know what you show me, I will have to live through.

Maybe you think of it as a way to warn me, a way to arm myself against the pain. It isn't really working that way for me. I just experience the pain twice over.

You've given me Musicman. I trust him and know he will get me through the darkness. I know all I need to do is turn toward him and he will hold me up in times of trouble.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Rage, Love, Loss

Dear Universe,

Sometimes it truly seems like you are conspiring against me.

I have started orientation for the new job. It's going well, but today was extremely physically challenging for me. I will bear the bruises for awhile I think. Just two days left and then I start program specific orientation and training. That should be easier, but boy does it suck to feel every single second of my age. Who knew I was really 103, lol.

That isn't really what I am referring to though. Physical challenges, while difficult, I can get through, I'm stubborn that way. No, I am referring to the message from my SIL that was waiting when I got home.

I have tried so hard to disregard the visions you keep sending, to keep my spirits up and believe that my brother is going to beat this. He deserves to beat this, he is fighting so hard. His family and children deserve to have such a fine man in their lives for many, many years yet.

Despite all that, it doesn't look as if that is meant to be. The chemo didn't work. The pet scan showed that the cancer has spread. Truth be told, I already knew that, but it still hurt to hear that it was true. They had to tell their boys today. I don't know where either one of them found the strength to do that. The boys are devastated, I understand, so am I.

He has been extremely ill this past week and in quite a bit of pain. He will be admitted to the hospital, again, tomorrow, for some surgical procedures to try and help reduce the pain. He will be starting on a new cancer drug.  We are all hopeful, but statistics show that this drug will likely do nothing but prolong his life, the average time it extends it is 1.4 months. God damn google anyway.

Of course, we will take every day we can get, but it is so infuriating that I am so far away and can not spend these days with him. It makes me want to rage, and scream that it isn't fair. This man spent half his life deployed in defense of our country and now, now that he has fulfilled his duty and is entitled to finally be there for his family, it isn't going to happen. I know life isn't fair, but really, this sucks big time.

I am in awe of his internal strength. He hasn't given up, he continues to fight with every ounce of energy he has. I continue to pray every day that he will succeed, that he will beat this awful disease and live to a ripe old age. Much like me, his first grandchild is due soon, I pray he lives to see that day and hold that child in his arms.

Most of all, I pray every day, that I will see him alive one last time before he goes, for I know in my heart what you have shown me. He will not survive this fight. That makes me so exceedingly sad.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Life sucks big ones

Dear Universe,


It's been so long since I came here. I didn't need to come here because things were going so well. That's all changed, in the blink of an eye.

I had a gut feeling that 2013 was not going to be a good year. I tried to deny that feeling, but I know better, my gut is always right. This year sucks big ones.

My daughter hooked up with the wrong guy. She got an STD, she lost her home and moved back in with us. She lost her job and she got pregnant. Being homeless and jobless is such a great time to get pregnant don'tcha know. I'm so disappointed in her.

My baby brother, a 20 year veteran of the military, was diagnosed with aggressive, inoperable cancer. He's dying, and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel so helpless.

I haven't heard from my son in months because he decided it was a good idea to take something, I don't know what, and break into my house. When I confronted him he refused to leave. When I pushed him on it he decided it would be a good idea to assault me.

I lost my job to nepotism. What good is 30+ plus years of experience and knowledge when the only thing that really counts is who you are related to?

I wish I could say I give up, but that's not in my DNA.

Everything is changing and I don't like it. I found a job. I should be happy about that, but I'm not. I'm not because I don't want to work outside the house anymore. I want to have the time to pursue my own interests. Haven't I earned that right?

I had a popular blog, in a community where I felt like I finally fit in. I had found college courses online that I was preparing to start. It's always been a dream of mine to write and to go to college. Now I will have no time for either of these things, because I have to work full time.

I'm trying very hard not to be resentful, but I am. I had such a crappy childhood, always focused on surviving that I never really was a child. I spent decades taking care of everyone else in my life. When will it be my turn to be taken care of? Never, that's when. Or, at least that's what it feels like. So here I am, my blog gone, I've said goodbye to friends. I have given up on the idea of taking college courses. I've given up on the plans to get my home ready for sale.

I have no time for any of it. I will work full time and then come home to my second unpaid job taking care of my home and husband. I will take no joy in any of it becuase it's not what I want to do. My husband already doesn't have enough energy to keep up with me, and now I won't have the energy or the desire to push him. Life sucks big ones.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower