Rage, Love, Loss

Dear Universe,

Sometimes it truly seems like you are conspiring against me.

I have started orientation for the new job. It's going well, but today was extremely physically challenging for me. I will bear the bruises for awhile I think. Just two days left and then I start program specific orientation and training. That should be easier, but boy does it suck to feel every single second of my age. Who knew I was really 103, lol.

That isn't really what I am referring to though. Physical challenges, while difficult, I can get through, I'm stubborn that way. No, I am referring to the message from my SIL that was waiting when I got home.

I have tried so hard to disregard the visions you keep sending, to keep my spirits up and believe that my brother is going to beat this. He deserves to beat this, he is fighting so hard. His family and children deserve to have such a fine man in their lives for many, many years yet.

Despite all that, it doesn't look as if that is meant to be. The chemo didn't work. The pet scan showed that the cancer has spread. Truth be told, I already knew that, but it still hurt to hear that it was true. They had to tell their boys today. I don't know where either one of them found the strength to do that. The boys are devastated, I understand, so am I.

He has been extremely ill this past week and in quite a bit of pain. He will be admitted to the hospital, again, tomorrow, for some surgical procedures to try and help reduce the pain. He will be starting on a new cancer drug.  We are all hopeful, but statistics show that this drug will likely do nothing but prolong his life, the average time it extends it is 1.4 months. God damn google anyway.

Of course, we will take every day we can get, but it is so infuriating that I am so far away and can not spend these days with him. It makes me want to rage, and scream that it isn't fair. This man spent half his life deployed in defense of our country and now, now that he has fulfilled his duty and is entitled to finally be there for his family, it isn't going to happen. I know life isn't fair, but really, this sucks big time.

I am in awe of his internal strength. He hasn't given up, he continues to fight with every ounce of energy he has. I continue to pray every day that he will succeed, that he will beat this awful disease and live to a ripe old age. Much like me, his first grandchild is due soon, I pray he lives to see that day and hold that child in his arms.

Most of all, I pray every day, that I will see him alive one last time before he goes, for I know in my heart what you have shown me. He will not survive this fight. That makes me so exceedingly sad.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Thank You

Dear Universe,

It's time to practice gratitude, the simple act of saying thank you. Thank you for helping me achieve the things I seek. Thank you for providing an abundance of love in my life. Thank you for always listening and reminding me to focus on the positive and leave myself open to receive guidance.

I spoke to my boss yesterday. I'm so used to jumping through hoops to get what I want and need on the job. I was pleasantly surprised that my proposal of reducing my hours was met with agreement and support. Yeah!!!!!

I am inordinately pleased and excited about that. It has buoyed my entire mood. I feel as if I have finally achieved that last piece of the puzzle. Like I can be productive and contribute financially to my family without entirely loosing the side of myself I just found.

I also realize that I let myself get overwhelmed with all the challenges I was facing. I spent way too much time focusing on the negative and the things I felt like was loosing or having to give up. I don't know how I could have forgotten that negative attracts negative.

I didn't really forget, I just let it all overwhelm me, I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see it now and it's beautiful. I can see happiness again. Yes, I still have to work hard, but it feels more balanced. Yes, we still face the challenges of supporting our children through tough times ahead. My brother is still very ill and the possibility of loosing him continues to be an ever present threat.

Yet, I now feel the shift in myself. A calmness and a knowing that we will survive and thrive again. I feel opportunities are available and all I have to do is reach out and grab them. I can be and do the things I want to be and do.

And through it all, my stalwart husband never strayed from my side. Ours is truly an epic love story. I am eternally grateful you brought this man into my life. We've shared years of love and happiness. We've become stronger as a couple for all the challenges we've encountered and overcome. He is my savior and I am his. Thank you.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Manifesting the Things I Seek

Dear Universe,

I survived Monday. I still don't feel very confident that I know what I'm doing on this new job, but it will come. Time for me to practice some patience and settle in and dig deep to get where I want to be. I believe within the next few weeks I will be able to request better hours, that will help too.

I'm going to concentrate on manifesting part time hours. I know what hours I want, I just don't know if they will let me work them. Everyday I'm going to picture in my head how the conversation goes and hearing them say yes to what I request.

I need them to understand that I am committed to my job, but it's not my first priority. My family is my first priority, and balance. I have been desperately seeking balance in my life. I want to have the time and energy to do things other than just earn a paycheck.

Yes, I understand it's important that I contribute financially, but that isn't the only important thing in life. Too much time spent giving to everyone else is what caused the massive burn out. I won't risk that again. I also can't dive the other way and just play all the time, that's not fair to Mr.

I have come to accept that growing up the way I did, constantly on guard from the abuse, is one of the reasons I now resent having to work so hard. I really believe that it was always in the back of my mind that if I worked hard, I would some day have the time to play. The time to be the child I never felt I got to be.

I worked hard, we built a good life together and just because I can't play full time doesn't mean I have to give it all up. I need balance, I seek the balance.

If I sound more positive today, it's because I am. I can thank Mr. for that. Mondays are always difficult for me because I see the weekends as mini celebrations of us. I never want those to end, but they must. Him having the energy and the desire to play last night really helped. I can't face a week at a time without the possibility of being intimate with him, I just need him too much.

I won't apologize for that, I will embrace it and seek the balance that allows us to continue having a wonderful life together. I am so lucky to have him in my life, to have his love. I seek to be the strong and balanced woman he deserves. I'm a work in progress and I'll keep working to be the best partner I can be.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower