Another Change

Dear Universe,

I said it had been a long week, now it's time to dump.

I got fired yesterday, I actually asked them to fire me. I'm not so good at quitting, they didn't want me to quit. I was the ideal employee for them. I just couldn't handle the lack of respect, the lack of recognition of me as a human being. I felt like cattle, I can't accept that.

I'm a professional, I conduct myself with professional behavior. I'm a hard worker, one of those employees that is at work 15 minutes before the shift starts so I'm prepared for the day. I dress appropriately, I don't behave in a vulgar manner. I know how to show people respect and make them feel valued and heard. That wasn't enough for them.

They wanted me to commit to being there until the work was done. They know they are overloading the employees, they don't care. They want to eliminate humans from the equation. In the line of business they are in that is not possible.

My immediate boss was very kind and understanding about everything and asked if she could call me in the future if they get a another contract where the bosses aren't so ridiculously ignorant. I said yes. It wasn't the people I worked with that were so impossible, it was the out of town people. They contracted the work out but wanted to retain complete control of the work. No problem with that, they just set totally unattainable expectations.

The local bosses know this, but have been unsuccessful in changing anything. People are dropping out of the program like flies. They will likely soon lose the contract because they can't keep any staff. I kinda hope that does happen and that the big boss from NYC takes a serious hit to his business because of it. Clearly he values money more then he does people and that is just wrong. At least in my opinion.

I do have an interview on Monday, which is good. I'm just so tired of starting over. I'm also a bit concerned about whether or not I can do this job physically. Guess all I can do is try.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Monday Musings

Dear Universe,

It's Monday, which always finds me struggling to face the realities of life. The realities that take me outside my home and the mindset I'm so comfortable in. The realities that force me to go to a job I am really beginning to despise. I'm still looking for something more appropriate, but it's slim pickings out there.

The sun is shining and it is supposed to warm up to the mid 60's today. I'm hoping that helps my mood improve. I felt it starting yesterday, the Sunday spiral that always hits me at the end of the weekend. I did my best to not let it overwhelm me and had some small success.

Of course, it would have been easier had Musicman decided to take advantage of the empty house for some play time, but he didn't. The fact that we had plenty of playtime over the last several days had something to do with that. I just always seem to want more than he does.

I'm trying very hard to embrace the positive and not let myself become overwhelmed, but that's not easy for me. My hip has been bothering me since yesterday morning. Musicman has a habit of using me to push himself up and out of bed. I've never cared for that habit, but I never say anything unless he unwittingly hurts me. Yesterday, he hurt me. He planted his hand right on my bad hip and then pushed all his body weight on it, ouch. I heard and felt the crunching in the joint and I'm still feeling the pain today.

I know he did not mean to hurt me, he would never willingly hurt me, but it hurts. It also makes me worry about how much longer it will be before I can no longer go on ignoring the fact that I have something major going on in that hip. Needless to say, I'm not looking forward to 6 hours of sitting at my desk today.

We heard on the news last night that a young co-worker of Musicman's was injured in an accident last night. That and the pain I'm dealing with just serve to point out to me that we all have a finite time here and we need to make the most of it. I don't feel like I am making the most of it right now because I am not following my passion, work takes up too much of my time and I struggle not to resent that.

Give me the strength to get through this week at work without major stress. I continue to leave myself open to all opportunities and sincerely hope I find a way to meet my obligations without resenting the drain on my time.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Hump Day Hang Over

Dear Universe,

I'm so tired today. I have a melatonin hang over. I couldn't sleep last night, so I took extra to help me sleep. I slept well, but had weird dreams. Today I'm having trouble shaking it off.

I'm trying to ignore the fact that I'm tired and have to go to work. It's too depressing to think about the fact that work takes all my energy. I hate not having the ability to do the things I want to do because I always have to work.

So, I'm gonna think of positive things. I'm gonna picture the conversation of asking to work part time hours and getting a positive response. Maybe that will keep my mind from straying to thoughts of, "I hate this job." This job isn't necessarily any worse than any others, I'm just having a hard time adjusting to the environment.

I've never worked in this kind of environment before. It's loud, it's too warm, and it is chocked full of less then professional behavior. That's hard for me to deal with, as I'm used to an extremely professional environment.

My alter ego has been on my mind a lot lately too. I miss writing as her. I miss being her. I don't know if I will ever return to being her. I want to, but I don't know if I can, or should. I think I write better as her, but I have my doubts about starting it again.

Mr. never mentions missing reading her, which of course leads me to believe he doesn't. It's probably a relief to him to not feel obligated to read and respond to her. I could, of course write for myself, that's why I originally started that blog, but the feed back and the support was so nice.

Being in her headspace feels so natural and it feels like I am losing her. I think about popping in and doing a post, but then I don't. I don't want to start again, only to not have the time to continue. I guess I should wait a little more time. Maybe soon I can get the work hours I want and get settled into some kind of regular routine. That will help, it seems like I've been at loose ends trying to put this one last piece of the puzzle in for a long time now.

I'm gonna stay strong, I'm gonna go for what I want, I'm gonna think positive and manifest a positive outcome. I will get my sub back. I miss being faerie.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Manifesting the Things I Seek

Dear Universe,

I survived Monday. I still don't feel very confident that I know what I'm doing on this new job, but it will come. Time for me to practice some patience and settle in and dig deep to get where I want to be. I believe within the next few weeks I will be able to request better hours, that will help too.

I'm going to concentrate on manifesting part time hours. I know what hours I want, I just don't know if they will let me work them. Everyday I'm going to picture in my head how the conversation goes and hearing them say yes to what I request.

I need them to understand that I am committed to my job, but it's not my first priority. My family is my first priority, and balance. I have been desperately seeking balance in my life. I want to have the time and energy to do things other than just earn a paycheck.

Yes, I understand it's important that I contribute financially, but that isn't the only important thing in life. Too much time spent giving to everyone else is what caused the massive burn out. I won't risk that again. I also can't dive the other way and just play all the time, that's not fair to Mr.

I have come to accept that growing up the way I did, constantly on guard from the abuse, is one of the reasons I now resent having to work so hard. I really believe that it was always in the back of my mind that if I worked hard, I would some day have the time to play. The time to be the child I never felt I got to be.

I worked hard, we built a good life together and just because I can't play full time doesn't mean I have to give it all up. I need balance, I seek the balance.

If I sound more positive today, it's because I am. I can thank Mr. for that. Mondays are always difficult for me because I see the weekends as mini celebrations of us. I never want those to end, but they must. Him having the energy and the desire to play last night really helped. I can't face a week at a time without the possibility of being intimate with him, I just need him too much.

I won't apologize for that, I will embrace it and seek the balance that allows us to continue having a wonderful life together. I am so lucky to have him in my life, to have his love. I seek to be the strong and balanced woman he deserves. I'm a work in progress and I'll keep working to be the best partner I can be.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower