A Snapshot In Time

Dear Universe,

It's days like this I wish I was still writing my sex blog. Then I could tell you how nice last night was. Finally some privacy and some stress relief for me. Of course it's not just vanilla sex, though that's fun too.

I've considered telling my friends in the TTWD community about this blog and trying to combine the two. I miss being faerie and Mr. being Musicman. I just haven't decided yet what I want to do. It's nice to have a place to write about the everyday stuff and not just all the D/s stuff.

Of course the other bloggers in the community always read what I wrote no matter what the subject. It just feels like a different voice writing here. And, Since no one really reads here, I think I feel a little freer to write.

I got to know many of the people in the community very well, I know their real names, where they live and all about their families. It is nice to make friends, but I think once I started doing that it became harder to write the difficult stuff.

Of course I've also realized that thanks to menopause I don't handle the stress of life nearly as well as I used to. The things we have going on now are difficult, but they are in no way as difficult as some of things we have faced in the past. I made the mistake of thinking for a bit that it was being a sub that was making me feel weak. I now know that is not true.

If anything being a sub made me stronger, cause I believed in him as my Dom to be there to support me and reel me back in when I needed it. It is those stupid hormones flying around uncontrolled that make me feel weak. That was a huge problem when we first embarked on a D/s lifestyle, my emotions and how out of hand they were.

Then when we had an empty nest, we had all the time in the world to play and play we did, often. I was able to stay on an even keel then. I didn't experience so many highs and lows. I'm just not sure what I really want I guess, oh those lovely hormones.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Emotional Tsunami

Dear Universe,

I've had the kind of weekend I dread. Mr. woke up ill yesterday, that often  makes him cranky. That he definitely was. He said some really mean things to me. Things that hurt my feelings and made me cry. Of course these days, thanks to menopause, I cry easily.

He did apologize later, but my feelings are still hurt. I know he doesn't care for the wild mood swings and the tears, but he doesn't seem to understand that I can't control them. Believe me, if I could, I certainly would. Not only that, but I would share the answer with women all over the world.

I've attempted to explain to him many times how out of control I feel. It's one of the reasons I need him to be in control. He just never quite seems to grasp it. He thinks when I proposed a D/s lifestyle that I just wanted sex games. I admit, I did want that, but that's not all I wanted. I wanted and needed to know that when these hormonal storms hit, he will be there to take control. He knows how to take the control. He knows what I need to get back in control, he just isn't interested.

If I were a candidate for HRT, I would do it, but I'm very high risk for breast cancer and won't chance it. I do my best to manage the hormones through diet, exercise and vitamins and supplements, but it's not 100%. When we had the privacy to play several times a week things were better. I stayed on an even keel.

Now, with the kids both living back at home, we rarely get a chance to play. Maybe once a week if we are lucky. That's just not enough to keep me flowing along. The storms hit and I am lost in a Tsunami of dark emotions, confusion, rage, anger and hurt. Let's not even mention the hot flashes and night sweats, those are miserable.

It upsets me greatly that my body feels so foreign to me, that my whole attitude and outlook on life seems to have changed. Being a sub made me so happy, it made me feel like my normal positive self. Mr. just never seemed to grasp or embrace it as anything more then sex games and after almost 2 years of trying to explain it, I finally gave up. Maybe someday I will attempt to explain it to him again, though I doubt it will do any good.

Oh well, maybe someday things will be better. Menopause can't last forever, right? Please tell me I'm right.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

My Dark Side

Dear Universe,

Yes, I deleted that last post. It was nothing but a ranting temper tantrum on my part. I get caught in these damn menopausal hormone storms and I am out of control. I look for someone to blame when the reality is no one is to blame, certainly not my husband. If anything he should be applauded for dealing with me as well as he does.

I wish that I could control them, that I could make them go away, but no matter how hard I try I can't. I either cry or descend in to anger and lash out. Of course, I hate crying, it makes me feel weak. Lashing out in anger feels good at the time, but only at the time. I always regret saying the things I say when I lash out. I never mean them, it's really just a way to release some of the stress.

I am glad that I have this place to vent, no one reads here so no one gets hurt by my lack of decorum. I never want to hurt people, especially my wonderful husband. Life hasn't been any easier for him than it has been for me. We find our strength to face the world in each other, and lately I've been letting him down in that area.

I miss being his sub, I need his dominance to feel safe. I'm the one that has been rejecting that dynamic recently. I'm the one that felt I couldn't be her and deal with all the changes going on. I now see that was a mistake. I now see that I need that dynamic now more than ever.

I know it was a mistake to think that if he really cared he wouldn't let me give it up. He cares way more than I give him credit for. He would do anything humanly possible to make me happy. I'm the one that often feels it's not enough. If it's not enough, I need to do something to make it enough.

It would be helpful if I started communicating my needs better, but right now I am struggling to even understand what I need. I get it stuck in my head that he has all kinds of expectations of me and I grow resentful when I feel like I am failing to live up to those expectations. The truth is, the only one that has these outlandish expectations of me, is me. I really need to let them go and realize he will still love me and still want to be with me, even if I can't be perfect.

The trainers are coming in today and we are finally going to learn the program. Hopefully that all goes well and I can get onto some kind of regular schedule. That will help immensely as I feel like I've spent the last few weeks spinning my wheels and getting no where. I've accepted the fact that I have to work, I found a job I can do without too much effort, if they would just let me do it, things would get better.

That's gonna be my thought for the day, my new focus: things are going to get better. I will be able to be the wife to him that he deserves and that I desperately want to be. Work will only be 8 hours a day of my time, then I can walk away and spend the rest of my time focusing on the things that make me happy, serving him the way he deserves.

Thanks for listening to me and not judging me on my little temper tantrum, and thanks for not sharing my dark side with anyone, it's so unattractive of me.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower