Scaredy Cat

Dear Universe,

Time is flying by, only one more day before I start the new job. I wish I could say I was looking forward to it, but I'm not. In all honesty, I'm scared.

I'm not afraid I won't be able to do the job, I've done this kind of work before, it's barely gonna be a challenge. I'm scared of all the people I'm gonna meet and will have to deal with. Too much energy is overwhelming for me. That in itself makes me different from most people, the acute awareness of people's energy.

The fact that I live a different lifestyle that I have to keep secret doesn't help either. I wonder how long it will be before people realize I don't fit in well?

I'm also doubting how well I will be able to keep up physically. It isn't necessarily a physical job, but that may not matter. I have issues with my bones and joints and experience pain on some level everyday. Will I be happy if this job exhausts me and leaves me no energy or in too much pain to do anything else? No.

I could be wrong, but from what I've seen so far, I will be working with some very young people. I don't inherently have an issue with young people, but I'm not young anymore. Physically I can't keep up, and cognitively, well, what can I say about that.

I am going to feel like a fish out of water. I've been doing my best to give myself a pep talk, but it's not working very well. I could share with Mr, but he would just laugh at me. Besides, he is seeing and feeling the difference in me right now. I don't think he has any clue what is causing the difference, but he's feeling it.

Since he never really understood the whole sub mindset thing and just embraced being a Dom as part of our sex games he is confused about how to help me. I suppose I could tell him what I need, that's what my sub friends would say to do, but right now I just can't do that.

My sincerest wish is that I'm wrong about this being a scary, bad thing. I sincerely wish that this is going to be a good thing, that all will go smoothly and I can get my life back quickly.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Sunday Blues

Dear Universe,

So many confusing thoughts today. It's Sunday, and even though we had a lovely day yesterday which included playtime, I'm a bit sad. I realize that is because it's Sunday. I get the Sunday blues.

I don't want the weekend to end. I don't want to have to leave the idyll that we have created and go back out and function in the everyday world. I don't want him to leave either. I want a place where we can relax and play till our hearts content.

I don't want to deal with reality, work, chores and ignorant family members. They can all go go straight to hell at this moment. That sounds selfish and mean of me, and it is. But, it's also honestly how I feel.

I resent the world intruding and taking away my time to play. I don't know why I feel the crush of time so immensely these days, but I do. That should motivate me to do more with the time I have, but that hasn't happened.

For some odd reason, I feel as if, since I don't have all the time to do everything I want, I should do nothing. That makes no sense, but it's what's happening. I'm paralyzed with indecision that results in action and guilt on my part.

I'm sure part of that is because I still feel so acutely that I have given up so much. I guess that's normal when you give up a large part of yourself. I want to be her, but I just can't right now. I see her there, hovering in the corner. She wants to come out and play, she wants to be heard. I won't let her.

I won't let her come out and be heard, but I'm not ready to let her go completely yet. I want o find away to be both her and me. Of course, she feels more like the real me then I am apparently comfortable with. If I was comfortable being her and functioning in the world I would not have banished her to the dark recesses of my mind.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower