Independent Woman

Dear Universe,

I've had an aha moment about going back to work. I tried to see going back to work as something I'm doing for him. That should appeal to my sub side. The problem is, looking at it that way makes me feel less then valued as a person, like what I have to offer isn't enough. That makes me sad.

So, I need to find something in returning to work for me. It's not the challenge of doing the work, that holds no appeal to me. I'm not looking forward to meeting new people. In general, I no longer care for most people and the games they play.

The only thing I can find in returning to work is the fact that I will be making money. I never had a problem before with letting him control our money. I never had any qualms about the fact that he didn't care to spend money on the things I liked to spend money on. For years we have done the things, socially, that he wants to do and not much of what I want to do.

I was willing to do that, because I had a goal. A goal of working part time and being valued for what I contributed inside the home more then what I was earning. That goal was within reach, but is now gone. I've also remembered how much he values money, so I will likely never reach my goal of being valued for anything other then my earning potential.

So, time to set new goals. I've always wanted to travel. I haven't because he doesn't care to travel. I have decided that from the very first paycheck, I am starting a travel fund. If he doesn't want to travel, I will travel by myself. This is where things get dangerous.

I was willing, for so many years to give up what I wanted to make him happy, because I had that goal. The goal is gone, now I'm not willing to give up what I want for him. He is either gonna have to compromise, which he sucks at, or I will leave him behind. That is the danger in me thinking independently, in not putting him first.

If neither of us makes an effort, mainly me, we will grow apart. I don't expect him to make much effort. I handed him what supposedly every man wanted, a devoted wife who always put him first, and he didn't embrace it or appreciate it. I'm questioning what I really need him for.

If he is his own focus, and he is my focus, who focuses on me? No one, that's who. So I can no longer focus on him, I need to focus on me. If I can meet all my own needs, what do I need him for? Those are questions he should be answering, but he won't even hear them as I've not chosen to share them with him.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Oasis of Time

Dear Universe,

Another week gone, time to celebrate. We've always looked at the weekends as little oasis' of time to play. That's a good thing for me, as time is the most valuable thing to me.

We've gotten our chores done and are settling in for a nice weekend together. We had some great playtime last night, which has greatly improved my mood. If I was still writing my other blog, I'd have quite the story to tell.

I just don't feel like talking about those things right now. It was important to me to focus on our relationship and writing a relationship/sex blog did that very nicely. But, right now, there are other things I need to focus on. Mostly, being a women in today's society and how I deal with all the demands on my time.

I am prepping to start another new job next week. This will be the third job in less than a year for me. That's a lot for anyone, but for some one who changed jobs only once a decade, it's a huge amount. It used to be that I was steadily moving up in my career and when I changed jobs it was to take a better position.

Unfortunately, that is not currently the case. Healthcare here has become extremely competitive and most places are controlled by one of two huge entities that are located outside the city. When you work for them you are not a person, you are a number. I was a number for one of them for 10 years and have no wish to go back to that.

I'm hoping that once I get started with this new job, I will be able to move up quickly. It is a new program that they are planning on growing fast. It's not healthcare, but it deals with healthcare and is something I have a lot of experience in. If I have to give up my dream of not working outside the house, it might as well be worth my while. Hopefully, I will be able to accomplish that very quickly.

It may not allow me much time to play, but maybe it will give me the much needed stability, both financially and otherwise to start planning again. A stable schedule will go a long way to helping me choose what extra curricular activities I will have time to undertake. It may be the volunteer work I had planned on starting. It might be the classes I was planning to begin taking, or it might be returning to writing my other blog and being an active member in that community again. At this point, I don't know, because I haven't achieved that stability, yet.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower