Monday Blues

Dear Universe,

Here we go, it's Monday again. I'd be happier about another week starting if we had had the opportunity for some real quality playtime over the weekend, but that didn't happen. I'm starting to feel as if Mr really isn't all that interested in me any more.

Things were good when I had the time to write about that part of our lives. It kept it in the spotlight and the forefront of both our minds. Now, it rarely seems to cross his mind that I need him. That I need the dominance and the pain. He seems very content to let it all go by the wayside and just spend his time on the computer.

I know what he looks at on the computer, he gets to look to his hearts content and they make no demands on him. I suppose that's part of the problem, I've become so needy and he isn't interested in stepping up to meet those extra needs. I need to do something to get them uder control, cause relying on him to help me makes me vulnerable.

It doesn't really work all that well, relying on him anyway. He never seems to have the energy for me anymore. He works hard, he deserves to have down time, that I understand. What I don't understand is how I can work just as hard at my job and still feel responsible for so much at home.

I don't know what I can do to get these needs under control. Crying myself to sleep and in the shower every morning isn't productive. Maybe if I can get my TV fixed so I can start working out that will help. Maybe the endorphin rush from exercising will help make up for the lack of playtime we currently seem to be going through. Maybe then I won't feel so alone all the time.

Okay, dinner is almost done and I have to get in the shower and get ready for work. I'm not looking forward to it, but I've got about an hour or so to wipe away the tears and talk myself into a better mood.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Becoming an Automaton

Dear Universe,

Such an emotionally chaotic weekend it's been. Friday I finally got to start actually doing the job. That alone made me feel better. I'm not sure what Monday holds, other than hours that really suck. I'm trying not to worry too much about it, but I hate the idea of not being here to cook and eat dinner with him.

It will make for some very busy days for me. I will be up early cleaning and cooking before going in to work and putting in a full day. I don't know where I will find the energy to do both, but I really don't have a choice, so, I'll just do it.

Saturday started out nice, we were up and out early getting errands done. I did do some shopping. I bought some shoes, and some clothes. I was optimistic about my size and bought a smaller than usual size of clothes. I tried them on and they fit, but not well. Thank goodness I've learned not to remove tags before trying things on. I will be making a trip back to the store to exchange everything for one size larger, they'll look better one size larger.

So much for being optimistic, oh well. I've asked several times to have the TV in the room with my treadmill fixed, so that I can start walking again. It hasn't happened yet. I suppose at some point I will have to do it myself.

We watched some movies and hung out. I always enjoy doing that. We did have a quick playtime scenario. That would be the problem, it was so quick. I enjoyed it, but really wanted and needed more. We had every intention of more, but we had no privacy for more.

Apparently, I'm supposed to be understanding of the fact that my daughter's boyfriend is finally working, and they can't hang out together all day.

Apparently, I'm supposed to ignore the fact that both Mr and I work all week and he only has enough energy for real playtime on Saturday night. I am expected too graciously give up my privacy and opportunity for playtime to make things easier for her.

So, I got about 15 minutes of his dedicated time and attention, and that's supposed to be good enough until next weekend. It's not, but I don't know how to change that. We've both got a long week of work ahead of us. He's gonna have to help out with cooking, even if it is just reheating because I cooked before I went to work. Either way, it's a lot of extra work for me, and less convenient for him.

That leads me to believe there won't be much energy for playtime. There rarely is now, when I take care of everything at home for him.  With me not being here and him having to help out some, well, I might as well forget being the focus of his attention.

All that's left is for me to become the automaton I've been for the last 20+ years. Get up, cook, clean, go to work, come home, eat, sleep, get up and do it all again. Day after day after day, until the end of the week arrives. Two days break to get caught up with home chores and errands and do it all again.

I'm really beginning to hate my life. And, I don't believe in hate.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

My Dark Side

Dear Universe,

Yes, I deleted that last post. It was nothing but a ranting temper tantrum on my part. I get caught in these damn menopausal hormone storms and I am out of control. I look for someone to blame when the reality is no one is to blame, certainly not my husband. If anything he should be applauded for dealing with me as well as he does.

I wish that I could control them, that I could make them go away, but no matter how hard I try I can't. I either cry or descend in to anger and lash out. Of course, I hate crying, it makes me feel weak. Lashing out in anger feels good at the time, but only at the time. I always regret saying the things I say when I lash out. I never mean them, it's really just a way to release some of the stress.

I am glad that I have this place to vent, no one reads here so no one gets hurt by my lack of decorum. I never want to hurt people, especially my wonderful husband. Life hasn't been any easier for him than it has been for me. We find our strength to face the world in each other, and lately I've been letting him down in that area.

I miss being his sub, I need his dominance to feel safe. I'm the one that has been rejecting that dynamic recently. I'm the one that felt I couldn't be her and deal with all the changes going on. I now see that was a mistake. I now see that I need that dynamic now more than ever.

I know it was a mistake to think that if he really cared he wouldn't let me give it up. He cares way more than I give him credit for. He would do anything humanly possible to make me happy. I'm the one that often feels it's not enough. If it's not enough, I need to do something to make it enough.

It would be helpful if I started communicating my needs better, but right now I am struggling to even understand what I need. I get it stuck in my head that he has all kinds of expectations of me and I grow resentful when I feel like I am failing to live up to those expectations. The truth is, the only one that has these outlandish expectations of me, is me. I really need to let them go and realize he will still love me and still want to be with me, even if I can't be perfect.

The trainers are coming in today and we are finally going to learn the program. Hopefully that all goes well and I can get onto some kind of regular schedule. That will help immensely as I feel like I've spent the last few weeks spinning my wheels and getting no where. I've accepted the fact that I have to work, I found a job I can do without too much effort, if they would just let me do it, things would get better.

That's gonna be my thought for the day, my new focus: things are going to get better. I will be able to be the wife to him that he deserves and that I desperately want to be. Work will only be 8 hours a day of my time, then I can walk away and spend the rest of my time focusing on the things that make me happy, serving him the way he deserves.

Thanks for listening to me and not judging me on my little temper tantrum, and thanks for not sharing my dark side with anyone, it's so unattractive of me.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Worried

Dear Universe,

Ugh, another day to face at work. I'm trying very hard not to be irritated with my employers, but it's been hard. They haven't been prepared for the training and it is a huge waste of my time. Add in to that the fact that they lied to me about the hours and I'm really not a happy camper.

As if that isn't enough to deal with the saga with my son continues. He did not come home last night. He left all his stuff here, even his coat. It's cold outside, below freezing. Where could he have gone without his coat?

Because he didn't come home, and we haven't heard from him my mind has been racing with all the worst case scenarios. That kept me from sleeping well. I was up at 5am searching the house to make sure he wasn't here.

I had it in my mind that he was somewhere in the house and had done something to hurt himself. I searched the attic and checked the pool area, but he isn't here. That is some comfort, but not much. What if he went somewhere else and hurt himself? Do we call the police and have him reported missing? I just can't believe he is being so thoughtless about our feelings. I'm worried.

I have also been fighting off a bit of a cold since the weekend and woke up feeling like crap today. I'm sure it didn't help that I slept badly, but now I have another day of sitting at work twiddling my thumbs while running a low grade fever.

It seems fitting though that I am having to deal with all this. I had actually been thinking of writing in my other blog again. Friends have been contacting me and encouraging me to go back to it. I want to go back, but it seems so selfish to take my time to focus on something that is really just for me when I have so many other things to do.

I just don't know what to do about anything right now. Will I ever get to a point where I don't feel so lost?

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Another Soul to Keep

Dear Universe,

Just when I think things can't get any worse, they do. Our son showed up last night, belongings in tow, asking to move back in. Despite the fact that we haven't heard from him in over 4 months, we said yes.

I'm so frustrated with these kids. I'm a Mom, I love my kids, but I don't always like the decisions they make. My children seem to need to learn everything the hard way, and they don't care who they hurt in the process. I want the best for them, but I'm tired of being hurt by them.

I am off to another frustrating day of training at a job I don't want, and now I have the added worry of wondering what is going on at my home with the kids. They are notorious for not getting along well with each other. They are both certainly old enough to not behave like spoiled 2 year olds having a temper tantrum, but historically that hasn't been the case.

I thought we had gotten to a time in our life when we could start to relax and slow down a little. Maybe even focus on ourselves and having some fun. Now, I anticipate us never having time to ourselves. No private time means no playtime.

Playtime should probably not be my focus, but if I can't enjoy life occasionally, what is the point of working so hard? If possible, I feel more lost then ever about what I am supposed to be doing with my life. The only thing I know for sure anymore, is that Mr. loves me unconditionally and hopefully this won't add distance between us.

I had already been struggling to not pull away too much due to the demands on  my time with this new job. Now, after a long, hard day at work I can't even look forward to playtime when I get home. Can I run away now? Of course, I could, but I never have any success talking Mr. into going with me. I can't go without him because without him, I have no reason to live.

I'm begging you, please send me some positive news soon. I seriously don't know how much more stress I can take. Especially since my main form of stress relief has been greatly curtailed due to having no privacy. Yes, I'm stuck in a vicious circle and can't find my way out.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Contemplating Sleep

Dear Universe,

It's late, I should be contemplating sleeping. I would like to be able to sleep, but sleep is not that easy for me. Sleep is a competitive sport and I always lose.

If I do manage to sleep, the nightmares come. They terrify me.

I'm an adult, nightmares should not be this painful.

It's the stress.

Torn obligations, warring with pristine dreams.

Things I want, things I dream, things I long to be, in total opposition to the things, I must be.

An effigy of myself, burning endlessly.

Too warn down to believe.

Refuge is what I long for.

Refuge... such a foreign word,

refuge is not in my lexicon.

No safe haven for me.

Struggle on, forge ahead, be it all, believe again.

How I wish I could.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower



I miss my faeries.

Day 2

Dear Universe,

Well, 2 days into the new job and I'm surviving. It's group training, which sorta sucks big ones. One of my pet peeves is being read to. I read fast and hate having to listen to someone read to me what is right in front of my face. That comprised most of my day today, ugh.

The employer wasn't really prepared for us, which is not very reassuring, but not much can be done about that. I'm coping the best I can and have been biting my tongue quite a bit so as not to say the scathing things running through my mind.

It sounds arrogant of me, but once I get the training on the computer programs I will be good to go. Whereas, most of my co-workers in training have no medical field experience and don't seem to have the mindset of what being or dealing with, medical professionals is all about.

I should look at all this as a positive for me. My experience and knowledge should put me a step above the others and make it easier for me to stand out and move up quickly. I've already established that I don't want to work outside the home, but financial pressures demand it, so I might as well attempt to put my best foot forward and try to move up quickly.

I did discover that the same company who is the client of the company I am working for has a work at home program. That is something to keep in the back of mind in case I ever decide to try and pursue that option. Right now the better money isn't in that program, so I might as well attempt to make the best of the situation in front of me.

If it seems like I am doing better with my overall attitude dealing with these situation, it's because I am. There are 2 reasons I see for that. The first is that I have at least gotten started, so some of the anticipation and fear are subsiding. Though I still need to go shoe and undie shopping.

The second reason is Mr. He has been so supportive even though he probably doesn't totally understand my reluctance to work outside the home. He continues to tell me multiple times a day that everything is going to be okay. He also continues to offer to work more days and even get a second job so I don't have to work. I can't justify that, but I appreciate it.

Am I gonna love this job? I highly doubt it, but I may learn to at least not hate it, and the paycheck every week will help. Mr. worries so much about money, and I understand that worry even though I don't worry about it. If I can relieve some of that worry, well, it's worth all the crap. Plus, I still plan on starting that vacation fund. It may take awhile to save for someplace nice, but I don't get any paid vacation time for a year anyway.

As long as I save something from every pay, it will add up nicely. In a year or so, we might just be able to take the vacation of a lifetime. Since the only vacations we have ever taken have been to visit family, it doesn't have to be an epic trip around the world to be a vacation of a lifetime for us. That's the beauty of living simply.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower