Absorbing Negative Energy

Dear Universe,

The Three of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in truth or consequences. Denial or control is no longer an option and I am ready to experience a breakthrough. My suffering, fear, or emotional loss is/was valid, incredible and deserves to be acknowledged and expressed in order to heal or transform the sacrifice. I am empowered by recognition and my virtue is choice."   

This is what the Tarot said to me today. It is so true too.

We had 2 medical appointments this morning for Mr. I have come to realize over the last few months that his health issues are a huge trigger for me.

We have had such a hectic week, but I did really well dealing with all the stress, until today. Today I woke up spiralling out of control into the bad place. But we had things to do and places to go and having a melt down is just not ever beneficial. So, I did my best to hold it together, with limited success.

I don't know why, all of a sudden, this is such a huge trigger, but I have come to accept that it is.

Denial is no longer an option, control never was an option. It scares me that he has gone through so much with his health. He is incredibly strong, he went back to work just 2 months after his bypass surgery. But he is not at 100% yet, he tires easily and is often exhausted.

As an empath, and having such a strong bond with him, I absorb all that negative energy and it totally drains me. I need to find the time to re-energize, but, that time is not available right now.

I try to do small things to bolster myself . I try to stay positive about the fact that we are, hopefully, finally getting answers. Things have been so up and down with his recovery. It doesn't help that he pushes himself so hard. He doesn't realize the extent of the negative energy I am getting from him, what a drain on me it is.

He doesn't realize it because I haven't told him. He is so stoic, he would just try to hide it from me. He can't hide it and I don't want him wasting his energy trying, so I say nothing.  Hopefully, we are making progress towards good health. Hopefully, soon things will be better. I live and hope :)

Love
Lolita Lilyflower

Unfocused Thoughts

Dear Universe,

I can't seem to get focused today. I've been up for hours, chauffeured the kids around first thing. The mundane awaits me in the form of my to do list. I have no problem knocking things off the to do list. It's the crazy thoughts that run through my head while I clean that bother me. I feel like I get lost in those thoughts sometimes. It's a good thing housework is so automatic, if I had to think about it I would probably mess it up.

Ahhh, but, then again, maybe if I had something more to focus on other then housework my thoughts wouldn't have time to run away with me. So much more to that thought just floating around in the back ground. I can't quit get my hand on it.

That's not true. I can get my hand on it. I just don't want to grab it. I don't want to hold it. It's gonna burn, I know it. I'm not ready for that yet. I say that even as I know this issue is time sensitive, and I'm running out of time with it.

I still have faith that the answer will come. I've still got a little bit of time to deal with this particular issue.

More pressing at the moment is his continuing health issues. It has become an almost full time job just managing them. Doctors and tests and appointments and insurance paperwork and meds and and and....It can be exhausting at times, and since he is the one that is sick and not me, I also have to deal with doing it alone. He doesn't have much energy and he is very focused in how he uses his. I am not a priority.

He doesn't mean to ignore me, he doesn't mean to hurt me. He is not doing this on purpose. I understand that completely. But, I still get lonely. I miss my big, brooding husband. He needs to come back to me. He wants to, he is trying, but it's slow going.

We have 2 appointments tomorrow to address two different issues. They will most certainly lead to more appointments and procedures, more coordination of everything and everyone. Fingers crossed though, this may actually be the answer to the set backs in his recovery he has been having.  That is worth any angst I have about a job. That is fodder for thought for another day.

Love
Lolita Lilyflower

Introducing Lolita Lilyflower

Dear Universe,

I've been talking to you for years so you know me pretty well. I've decided to put my thoughts down on paper, so to speak, and thought I should introduce myself to any one who might stumble onto my little place here.

I'm a woman in my late 40's.

I've been married to a wonderful man for over 25 years.

I'm the mother of 2 children, a 22 year old daughter and a 16 year old son.

I've spent the last thirty years building a career in health care. It was very challenging and satisfying, but now I have career burnout.

I'm an avid DIY'er and often see objects in ways other than intended. Give me a few minutes and I'll make it into what I see.

I love to read, books are my friends.

I always wanted to write, now I am.

I am highly empathic.

I believe in ghosts and often get visits from them.

I actively practice dream analysis.

I'm an incest survivor.

I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for a year.

I am a deep thinker, that's what my husband says anyway.

I have a lot of issues.

I think I'm a crazy lady, my husband says I'm not, little does he know.

I have been blogging on another blog for the past 6 months and have found it very therapeutic. Under the guise of my persona for the other blog I write primarily about my relationship with my husband and our sex life. I'm a tad kinky. As that persona I have become a part of a wonderfully supportive community.

I am so much more then just a kinky wife though, and was looking for an outlet to sort out all the crazy thoughts associated with the rest of my life. So here I am. Enjoy.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

                                       

First Post

                                                 UNDER CONSTRUCTION

                                                       COMING SOON

                                           LETTERS FROM A CRAZY LADY