It's Friday, yay!!! I just gotta get through one more day at work and then 2 whole days of freedom. It's been quite the roller coaster week and I'm exhausted. Not physically exhausted but mentally exhausted. All I want is some peace and quiet.
Mr. wants to go out tonight to see some friends. We rarely go out and I usually look forward to the opportunity to go out and socialize. Not today. Today, I want to be left alone. I don't want to go to work and spend 8 hours trying to convince people to make unimportant things a priority. I accept that I have to do that, but then, all I want is time alone.
The swinging door I seem to have on my home that allows my grown children to move in and out willy nilly has prevented me from having any time to myself. I'm happy to be here and to have the ability to offer them a safe haven when they need it. However, I do wish they were a bit more stable so they wouldn't need to keep coming back home. Especially since they never seem to come alone.
They brings little dogs that chew everything under the sun. They bring partners that have nothing to offer. They irritate each other and complain about it on facebook. Really? Do we really need to to be so juvenile? They are grown ass adults, they need to start acting like it already.
They never stop to consider that their actions might have an impact on me or what I might want. I suppose they think Mom's aren't meant to have a life, or desires of their own. For many reasons, including actions on Mr.'s part, I am feeling used, and not in a good way.
When I'm in the right mindset, I can handle him being selfish and using me for his own pleasure, with no regard to mine. Those are the times I very much enjoy serving him and pleasing him. The problem occurs when I am not in the right mindset and he knows it and does it anyway. That just pisses me off and he knows it.
I think he justifies it in his own head by telling himself it's my unruly hormones. Yes, those do sometimes play a role in it, but not always. I didn't bother to correct him last night when he said it, cause I just felt so defeated. It's not like this is the first time it has happened, I've explained it to him several times. It has become apparent that he either hasn't been paying attention, otherwise he would remember. Or, he just doesn't care. I don't know which it is and right now, I don't care.
I am not going to go out with him tonight, which is extremely rare for us. We are almost always together in social situations. I just don't have the energy, nor am I in the mood to go out and be nice to people. I'm all used up and have no desire to put myself out there and leave myself open to being taken advantage of more.
I plan on going to work, doing my job and then coming home and locking myself in my bedroom to spend a quiet evening all by myself. I'm not gonna think or worry about him or what he wants. I'm not gonna think or worry about the kids and what they are going through. I'm not gonna think or worry about my old dog that is literally on his last legs, or that stupid little dog of my daughter's that chews everything in sight. I'm not even gonna spare a thought to what she might chew next. They are material things that can easily be replaced.
Peace and quiet. Time to myself to do whatever I want, even if that something is nothing at all. That's what I am aiming for today.
Love,
Lolita Lilyflower
