Life sucks big ones

Dear Universe,


It's been so long since I came here. I didn't need to come here because things were going so well. That's all changed, in the blink of an eye.

I had a gut feeling that 2013 was not going to be a good year. I tried to deny that feeling, but I know better, my gut is always right. This year sucks big ones.

My daughter hooked up with the wrong guy. She got an STD, she lost her home and moved back in with us. She lost her job and she got pregnant. Being homeless and jobless is such a great time to get pregnant don'tcha know. I'm so disappointed in her.

My baby brother, a 20 year veteran of the military, was diagnosed with aggressive, inoperable cancer. He's dying, and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel so helpless.

I haven't heard from my son in months because he decided it was a good idea to take something, I don't know what, and break into my house. When I confronted him he refused to leave. When I pushed him on it he decided it would be a good idea to assault me.

I lost my job to nepotism. What good is 30+ plus years of experience and knowledge when the only thing that really counts is who you are related to?

I wish I could say I give up, but that's not in my DNA.

Everything is changing and I don't like it. I found a job. I should be happy about that, but I'm not. I'm not because I don't want to work outside the house anymore. I want to have the time to pursue my own interests. Haven't I earned that right?

I had a popular blog, in a community where I felt like I finally fit in. I had found college courses online that I was preparing to start. It's always been a dream of mine to write and to go to college. Now I will have no time for either of these things, because I have to work full time.

I'm trying very hard not to be resentful, but I am. I had such a crappy childhood, always focused on surviving that I never really was a child. I spent decades taking care of everyone else in my life. When will it be my turn to be taken care of? Never, that's when. Or, at least that's what it feels like. So here I am, my blog gone, I've said goodbye to friends. I have given up on the idea of taking college courses. I've given up on the plans to get my home ready for sale.

I have no time for any of it. I will work full time and then come home to my second unpaid job taking care of my home and husband. I will take no joy in any of it becuase it's not what I want to do. My husband already doesn't have enough energy to keep up with me, and now I won't have the energy or the desire to push him. Life sucks big ones.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower