Better Day

Dear Universe,

I'm feeling some better today. It is just so hard when it feels like my dreams are dying.

I wish I didn't see it that way. I wish I saw it as a new adventure, an opportunity for growth. I am trying to focus on that aspect, it's getting a little easier too.

I believe it's getting easier for me now that I gave up my other blog. It was so hard to say goodbye to friend's. To leave a community where I fit in so well, that's been rare for me in my life.

It feels like I am letting a part of myself go, but right now it might be easier to let her go. And then my thoughts wander, to the idea that it really does feel like a whole different personality. Am I sane? Why does it so clearly feel like I can not be a successful career woman and a successful sub at the same time?

Being a sub made me so vulnerable that I only feel safe within his immediate circle of energy. That circle includes our home, which I rarely leave without him. Not because he won't let me, but because I just don't want too. That's where I feel safest and happiest.

We created, together, a haven that I resent having to leave. I resent working so hard my whole life, and getting so close to reaching my dreams, only to have them snatched out of my grasp. That's what it feels like right now. They were there, now they are gone.

But, that's not really true, I need to quit feeling sorry for myself and find the energy to work hard for what I want. I've always had to do that, as does everyone else. Why do I think it should be different for me?

Ah, but it's not that I don't want to work hard. It's that I want to work hard at things that interest me. I want to work hard at taking care of my home and my husband. I want time. Time to play at whatever strikes my fancy. If I want to dance while I vacuum my home, I want the time and the energy to do that. If I want to spend the day cooking and baking and doing domestic chores, I want the time and energy to do that at my pace. I want to take the time to breath, to enjoy the simple things in life.

I don't want to live my life, on some one else's schedule, doing what I'm told just to earn a buck. I have a lot of attitude adjusting to do. I better get to work on it.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower