Sunday Blues

Dear Universe,

So many confusing thoughts today. It's Sunday, and even though we had a lovely day yesterday which included playtime, I'm a bit sad. I realize that is because it's Sunday. I get the Sunday blues.

I don't want the weekend to end. I don't want to have to leave the idyll that we have created and go back out and function in the everyday world. I don't want him to leave either. I want a place where we can relax and play till our hearts content.

I don't want to deal with reality, work, chores and ignorant family members. They can all go go straight to hell at this moment. That sounds selfish and mean of me, and it is. But, it's also honestly how I feel.

I resent the world intruding and taking away my time to play. I don't know why I feel the crush of time so immensely these days, but I do. That should motivate me to do more with the time I have, but that hasn't happened.

For some odd reason, I feel as if, since I don't have all the time to do everything I want, I should do nothing. That makes no sense, but it's what's happening. I'm paralyzed with indecision that results in action and guilt on my part.

I'm sure part of that is because I still feel so acutely that I have given up so much. I guess that's normal when you give up a large part of yourself. I want to be her, but I just can't right now. I see her there, hovering in the corner. She wants to come out and play, she wants to be heard. I won't let her.

I won't let her come out and be heard, but I'm not ready to let her go completely yet. I want o find away to be both her and me. Of course, she feels more like the real me then I am apparently comfortable with. If I was comfortable being her and functioning in the world I would not have banished her to the dark recesses of my mind.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower