Sunny Monday

Dear Universe,

The sun is shining today, that always helps put me in a good mood. I've got lots to do today. The inevitable housework and cooking, letting the dogs in and out a few hundred times. That silly little dog wants to go out every time I am in the vicinity of the door.

Usually, I enjoy Monday's and housework. That's my time to shine, to make a cozy, comfy home for us. It also gives me plenty of time to think about things. Now though, I feel no one values a cozy, comfy home any more. I also can't waste my time thinking about the things I usually think about.

No one cares if I'm good at being submissive. No one cares if the garbage is emptied and the bed  made. He'll eat just about any thing I make, and if I don't make anything he will find something to eat. It took me a while to figure out that he doesn't place as much value on these things as I do.

It was easy to realize it though, when he said nothing to me letting it all go. Yeah, it took me awhile, but I finally realized what I find important and fulfilling is not the same as what he finds important. I've know for so long that money really is the only important thing to him, but I wanted to deny that.

I wanted to believe that my happiness with the simple things in life where important to him. I was fooling myself. He is fine with me taking pleasure in the simple things in life, as long as I'm also bringing in an income. If I don't want to push myself to do both, that's fine with him, as long as I bring in an income.

That makes me sad. I listen to the energy and I am hearing the messages. I know none of us are promised tomorrow, so we need to take joy in every day. I put the part of me that feels the joy away. She is isn't strong enough to deal with the challenges of daily life all by herself. He's no longer interested in protecting her, so she's gone.

That is a complete reversal of what I want and what I feel is important, but it's what I need to do to survive at the moment. I am afraid that I will lose her entirely and never feel that kind of joy again, but it's better then risking her being hurt.

Oh well, I suppose it doesn't truly matter, in just a couple short days I will be at the new job. That won't make me happy, but it will take up much of my time. He will be happy I have a paycheck coming in. I suspect he will be happy that I will be too tired to write much and way too tired to lament what I feel I have lost. He won't need to step outside his comfort zone and pay attention anymore.

He doesn't realize, nor do I think he cares, that he will never touch that secret part of me again. The part that he used to make fly, is firmly put away where he will never find it. I have no idea what I will do when work is no longer enough for me. I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower