Just Catching Up

Dear Universe,

My brother is supposed to go for his last chemo treatment today. He was too weak last week to get it, so it was rescheduled until today. Still waiting to hear if he is actually going to be strong enough to get it. He continues to have internal bleeding and has lost 10 lbs since last week. He can't afford to loose that much weight as he was always on the slim side.

If he is able to have the treatment done today then they will do another Pet Scan in two weeks. That will tell us definitively if the chemo is working or not. Of course we are all hoping for positive results, but I still have doubts. I suppose that's normal. I'm just hoping that if the results aren't what we want to hear that he does not get discouraged and give up fighting.

Not much else going on here. I had my third interview for this job on Monday. I think it went well, though I did get the impression that one of the two women didn't care much for me. Hopefully I am wrong about that and she was just stressed about something else. They did tell me it could be a few more weeks yet before I hear anything. I'm trying my best to be patient and positive.

I do believe we are finally making some progress on the home repair that we have been working on. That's good news.

Other then that, all I can say is I can feel myself pulling back some from everyone. I'm not feeling much like writing, even though I did figure some important things out, it has been hard to write about them. I don't really want to focus too much on it and feel I've already written too much about it.

I just can't really get into the mindset to write or to read or comment much. I am again questioning if maybe I just have nothing left to say as faerie. We are in a pretty good place with the D/s and not much new is going on, so nothing much to say.

It's kind of ironic that when I left last time, I started to miss it it almost immediately. Now that I have gone back, I think it might have been a mistake. I just don't feel very comfortable doing it anymore. It's more of a struggle then it should be. Later this month it will hit the two year mark since I started that blog, how much more could I possibly have to offer. With all the other things going on in my life right now, it may be time to let it go and move on. Oh well, I'm not going to worry about it, it will work itself out eventually.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Stressed

Dear Universe,

It's been awhile since we last chatted. Too much on my mind to even write lately.

I interviewed for a great job two weeks ago. They called me for a second on site interview, which I did last week. I think it went well, but I haven't heard anything since then. They did tell me it could take a couple weeks to do the background checks and such. I'm trying very hard not to get anxious or stressed, but everyday that goes by without hearing makes it harder and harder.

There have been home repair issues that have been of concern, but as hard as it is to deal with, there isn't much I can do about the situation. That is frustrating and so is the fact that Musicman after working 10 hours a day has to come home and deal with it. That means not much energy left for playtime, so that has waned some too.  I know, it's selfish of me to even think that, I'm trying not too, but it's hard.

I suppose the biggest news and the biggest stressor would be my brother. He had his last chemo treatment today. He had been pretty stable, despite the fact that he is still losing weight. He really couldn't afford to lose any weight as he has always been on the slim side.

Today they realized that he is bleeding internally and his bilirubin levels are climbing. Neither of those are good things. He has had to be on major blood thinners because he has been having issues with bloodclots from the beginning. The choice between bleeding internally and bloodclots is no choice at all, they are both bad.

The rising bilirubin levels likely means the tumor has grown and is now blocking the bile ducts. That's not good either. I'm very afraid that he may be getting close to the end of this journey and that's a fact I don't want to face.

Yes, I could go on and on about how unfair it all is, but we both know that will accomplish nothing. Life has never been fair and I don't expect that will change anytime soon.

I've gone back to writing in my other blog, but it isn't as comforting as it used to be. I read my friends blogs, but I rarely comment. I just can't seem to find the words, that  makes me feel like I am being a bad friend. They have always been quite supportive of me and I can't seem to do the same for them.

I've been putting a lot of effort into inviting the positive into my life and that is helping some, but most days I still feel like I just want to run and hide. I suppose that has something to do with why I haven't been by to chat recently too.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

An Unseen Consequence

Dear Universe,

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I am struggling so much to find gainful employment. It's not that I don't want to work, I just don't want to work full time. I want and need the time to have balance in my life, that's become very important to me.

I realize that growing up the way I did, with such pervasive abuse for the majority of my childhood, has caused more issues for me then I orginally recognized. Yes, I knew that it affected my ability to trust people. I knew it affected my ability to bond with my own kids and to doubt my effectiveness as a mother. I won't even get into how it affected my sex life. What I didn't realize until just recently is that it affected the way I perceive money and what I do for money.

I grew up in a typical middle class home, the abuse was hidden so well that no one ever suspected what was going on behind closed doors. For someone on the outside looking in, I had a wonderful childhood. A nice house, vacations, toys, clothes and a private school education, I had everything money could buy.

I learned very early on that money represented freedom, so I started working early. I started to babysit at 11, by 14 I was working at a local fast food place. I paid for all my own clothes and supplies throughout highschool and by 16 was paying rent. That allowed me some freedom. Since I was supporting myself and as long as I followed the few rules they had, they left me alone.

I've come to realize though, that I feel as if I never had a childhood. I was never innocent, never had the chance to be silly and do childish things. I admit, I've never been great at handling money. I can do it, I just don't want to. I don't want to be responsible and worry about paying bills. I know this is because money does not represent happiness to me. I saw this too much growing up.

My Mother didn't care what my Father was doing, as long as she had the money to live the way she wanted to live. As long as she had the showplace home, the showplace kids and the clothes and shoes and all the other trappings money could give her, she was happy.  She was happy, but I wasn't.

I've worked hard to recover from the issues I knew about. I still don't trust many people. I still question how effective I am as a Mom, but I continue to work on being the best one I can be. I have no idea how I get over this aversion to money, the resentment I feel about the need to work and earn money. How do I get over not having the time to do what I want with my life just because it won't make me any money? When do I get time to play? It sometimes feels like I am living my life in reverse.

Give me the strength and the incite to hear the answers.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Standing at a Crossroad

Dear Universe,

I've often heard it said that if you follow your passion the money will follow. What happens when you loose your passion?

That is what I have been facing for some time now. I followed my passion,  I gave it my all, too much really. I got caught up in life and being everything for everyone, because that was my passion. I was a caregiver. I knew from a very early age that is what I wanted to do.

Circumstances conspired against me and I did not follow my passion as far as I could have. Even though I tried several times to obtain the higher education needed to make myself and what I had to offer, more valuable, it never worked out.

I didn't let that stop me though. I worked hard, took every opportunity to gain knowledge when it was offered. I moved up in my career and got caught up in the politics of corporate health care. That's when things started to go wrong. That's when the passion started to die, when I became less and less happy with my career.

Unfortunately, I was making decent money, so I ignored the feelings of dissatisfaction. I understood that I was dissatisfied, but my family needed the money to survive and thrive. I was too busy "having it all" to see that in reality, I was loosing myself. By the time I did open my eyes and see what was happening, it was too late.

I was no longer feeling the passion, I was so caught up in corporate health care that I didn't protect my own morals and ethics. When the career ended, I knew it would be okay. I knew I needed to spend the time to my find myself and feel the passion again.

I've been doing just that, finding myself, I feel the passion again, but not for being a caregiver. I don't think I can ever go back to that. I have accepted that and with the corporate takeovers that are occurring here where I live, the jobs in health care are few and far between anyway.

I am a middle aged woman with excellent customer service skills and a strong base of knowledge. I have much to offer, but of course, it comes with a price and employers aren't willing to pay that price. They realize that they can hire some one younger, less experienced, less talented, pay them less and they will still do an adequate job. If they don't, there are hundreds more people for them to choose from.

I haven't quite figured out how to proceed from here. What exactly do I feel passionate enough about to pursue a career in? Nothing really. There are things I want to do with my life, things I want to learn and dabble in, but none of that will bring me any money. Or, I should say, nothing I know how to make money doing. Just the thought of having to try and make money at them makes me ill.

I want to do things for the pure joy of doing them, learn new things for the experience of learning. That sounds quite ideal, unfortunately, it doesn't pay the bills. I've been standing at a cross road for some time now, it's time to pick a direction and move on already. Time to try and pave the way to new experiences.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Another Change

Dear Universe,

I said it had been a long week, now it's time to dump.

I got fired yesterday, I actually asked them to fire me. I'm not so good at quitting, they didn't want me to quit. I was the ideal employee for them. I just couldn't handle the lack of respect, the lack of recognition of me as a human being. I felt like cattle, I can't accept that.

I'm a professional, I conduct myself with professional behavior. I'm a hard worker, one of those employees that is at work 15 minutes before the shift starts so I'm prepared for the day. I dress appropriately, I don't behave in a vulgar manner. I know how to show people respect and make them feel valued and heard. That wasn't enough for them.

They wanted me to commit to being there until the work was done. They know they are overloading the employees, they don't care. They want to eliminate humans from the equation. In the line of business they are in that is not possible.

My immediate boss was very kind and understanding about everything and asked if she could call me in the future if they get a another contract where the bosses aren't so ridiculously ignorant. I said yes. It wasn't the people I worked with that were so impossible, it was the out of town people. They contracted the work out but wanted to retain complete control of the work. No problem with that, they just set totally unattainable expectations.

The local bosses know this, but have been unsuccessful in changing anything. People are dropping out of the program like flies. They will likely soon lose the contract because they can't keep any staff. I kinda hope that does happen and that the big boss from NYC takes a serious hit to his business because of it. Clearly he values money more then he does people and that is just wrong. At least in my opinion.

I do have an interview on Monday, which is good. I'm just so tired of starting over. I'm also a bit concerned about whether or not I can do this job physically. Guess all I can do is try.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Offensive? Me? Maybe!

Dear Universe,

It's been such a long week already and it's only Thursday Morning. We haven't seen the sun in a few days, which doesn't help. The skies have been crying and the roads are flooding. It's not predicted to stop for several more days yet, ugh. I suppose I should be happy that at least the temps are above freezing and it isn't snowing, yay.

Work has been worse than usual, if you can believe that. The big boss has been in from NYC and of course, we have to pretend like everything is sunshine and roses. He walks around asking questions and giving advice and we aren't allowed to say anything negative. I've told them to keep him away from me, cause I won't lie about the way things are. He didn't come near me yesterday, I hope I get as lucky today.

Honestly, I think he is a bit intimidated or possibly, offended by me. Yeah, probably offended by me. He is an extremely religious man. I won't say what religion, but it's one that has very strict beliefs about women and there appearance and demeanor. I'm sure all my ink offends him, quite possibly my long wild hair does too. Oh well, let him be offended, I'm not a member of his religion and never will be.

I am still pursuing other options and continue to put in applications and send out resumes. I have to believe that the right opportunity will come along, hopefully soon.

In other news, things are going pretty well with the kids, all quiet on that front for the moment. Musicman is still on the meds that work so well and is feeling pretty good. That's a good thing for me, cause I worry a little less about him when he is feeling good. It also means plenty of playtime for us. I would be happy playing all the time, but I will take whatever I can get.

Give me the strength and the sanity to get through this day smoothly and quickly.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Frustration as Fuel

Dear Universe,

Ugh, yesterday was awful. My attempts to embrace the positive did not last long once I got to work. That place is awful and I don't know how much more I can handle. They dump on you, they treat you like you are less than human. And they do it all in the name of the almighty dollar. I suppose that is a big part of my problem, I won't do just anything or allow myself to be treated badly for a buck. There is a word for people that do that, it's whore. I'm not a whore.

Aren't there such things as labor laws in this country? The way they conduct business they must be violating some of those laws. I am going to take this frustration and use it as fuel to find something better. I know there is a lesson here somewhere, I just don't see it yet.

This ongoing situation of trying to find a job that is right for me has taught me one thing. My wonderful husband loves and supports me no matter what I'm going through. I knew that already, but I am being reminded of it daily right now and I'm so grateful for that.

I know he is frustrated with this situation too. He doesn't like to see me so lost, unhappy and stressed, but there is really very little he can do to fix it for me. He does the only thing he can do, he listens, he gives advice when he has some to offer and he provides stress relief for me.

I will continue to explore all the possibilities I can find and leave myself open to something good happening. With Musicman's continued love and support and some divine intervention I know eventually I will find the right place for me.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower