My Mind Overflows

Dear Universe,

So much on my mind today. It's STILL snowing. Can't you make it stop, please? At this rate, I'm never gonna get to wear the the pretty new shoes and dresses I've been acquiring.

Work was a drudge yesterday. I'm seriously gonna crawl through the computer lines and strangle that bitch in NYC if she doesn't back off. The onsite supervisors are smart enough to leave me alone and let me do my thing, but not her. She has the ability to totally tick me off via email. She sent me 10 emails on one case yesterday, all because her assistant didn't follow through the way she should have.

The good thing is if I figure out how to get to her the onsite supervisors have not only given me permission to strangle her, they have requested I hit her once for them. They have told me they know, I know what I'm doing and they don't worry about my work. That's always nice to hear. Of course they have so many others that are still learning that they are most likely grateful to have someone that doesn't need constant attention.

They are having a potluck lunch tomorrow. I haven't decided if I am gonna participate yet or not. I probably should, play nice and all that happy crap, yanno. I just really don't feel like it. Everyone is nice enough and I'm starting to be more comfortable in the less then professional environment. I'm just not all that committed to this place and I'm okay with that. I'm not interested in getting to know them all that much. I can't imagine ever seeing any of them outside of work, so why pretend I want to be their friends?

On another note, our daughter moved out while I was at work yesterday. She left a lot of her stuff here and she kept her house key. She sent me a message saying she would be hanging out here on days she has appointments. She moved out of the city, about an hours drive away, but her boyfriend is working here in the city. On days she has appointments, she will come in town with him in the mornings, then go to her appointments and then come back here till he picks her up at the end of the day.

I was actually going to suggest she do just that. That means we will still get to see her and see first hand how she is doing. I'm still not convinced that she is in a stable place, but I'm trying to remember that she is an adult and has her own journey to take and her own lessons to learn.

We find out next week, Thursday I think, if she's having a boy or a girl. Once we know, I do believe I'm gonna dust off my crotchet hooks and make a blanket or two for the baby. I've never tried to make anything as complicated as booties or hats, but maybe I'll look for some instructions and give it a try.

We did finally get some private time last night. Our son stayed at his girlfriend's house. I had a feeling he would, cause she stayed here the night before. That occurred against my wishes. He asked if she could, I told him no. They both know I don't approve or condone that. He did it anyway and I didn't find out until I heard her leaving early yesterday morning.

He has been following the rules pretty well since he came back home. I admit, I wondered how long that would last. Now I know, not very long.

We got some good news from the south too. My brother has been stable. He is finally able to eat a little bit orally, though he is still loosing weight. He hasn't had to many bad side effects from the chemo treatments, which is wonderful news. I don't know if they have done any tests to see if the tumors are shrinking yet. I have asked, but my SIL kinda just gives me the info she feels like sharing. She is bipolar and I worry about her not having enough support,  even though I ask how she's doing she usually blows those questions off.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Statistics Show

Dear Universe,

Statistics show that caregivers die before the people they care for. I have seen this to be true many times in my career and a few times in my personal life as well. I didn't doubt it, but now I know why it's true.

Care givers die of frustration because the people they are caring for don't listen. Yes, Mr. is still not feeling well and for the second time in three days I woke up to him yelling at me. Cause everyone knows it's perfectly okay to abuse the people who care about you the most, right?

If he had just listened to me and called Doc two days ago, he would already be on the medicine and starting to feel better. But no, he didn't want to call Doc, and he would let me call him. This morning he told me to call him and ask for the medicine. I did call and ask, but they want to see him.

He's not happy about having to go and see him and based on his reaction, he blames me for not doing what he said. I tried, but they wouldn't listen. So I got yelled at, yay. Now, with very little sleep, cause our son's girlfriend decided it would be a good idea to call our home and wake me up at one in the morning. Not once, but twice she called. And after having been yelled at by him, I'm off to work.

And he wonders what's wrong with me. Maybe the answer is I'm just mentally exhausted and feeling ignored and under appreciated. I also had a first for me during the short amount of time I did sleep, I had a dream. That's not so unusual, it was what the dream was about that was so unusual. It was about TTWD. I've never dreamt about it before. Guess it's been on my mind a bit too much lately.

I'm sure it's because I'm not getting what I need, but I've pretty much given up on getting what I need. That would take effort on his part. He made it pretty clear to me on Saturday with the things he said, that he doesn't like the woman I've become, nor am I worth his time or effort.

It's just gonna take me some time to accept that and let it go. I really believe being truly happy was not in the cards for me in this life time. Maybe in my next life I will choose to be selfish and go after the things that make me happy instead of always putting everyone else's needs first.

I am working on accepting that happiness is only rare snapshots in time for me. It may take awhile, but eventually I will achieve that mindset. Maybe.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Worried

Dear Universe,

Ugh, another day to face at work. I'm trying very hard not to be irritated with my employers, but it's been hard. They haven't been prepared for the training and it is a huge waste of my time. Add in to that the fact that they lied to me about the hours and I'm really not a happy camper.

As if that isn't enough to deal with the saga with my son continues. He did not come home last night. He left all his stuff here, even his coat. It's cold outside, below freezing. Where could he have gone without his coat?

Because he didn't come home, and we haven't heard from him my mind has been racing with all the worst case scenarios. That kept me from sleeping well. I was up at 5am searching the house to make sure he wasn't here.

I had it in my mind that he was somewhere in the house and had done something to hurt himself. I searched the attic and checked the pool area, but he isn't here. That is some comfort, but not much. What if he went somewhere else and hurt himself? Do we call the police and have him reported missing? I just can't believe he is being so thoughtless about our feelings. I'm worried.

I have also been fighting off a bit of a cold since the weekend and woke up feeling like crap today. I'm sure it didn't help that I slept badly, but now I have another day of sitting at work twiddling my thumbs while running a low grade fever.

It seems fitting though that I am having to deal with all this. I had actually been thinking of writing in my other blog again. Friends have been contacting me and encouraging me to go back to it. I want to go back, but it seems so selfish to take my time to focus on something that is really just for me when I have so many other things to do.

I just don't know what to do about anything right now. Will I ever get to a point where I don't feel so lost?

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower