In Times of Trouble

Dear Universe,

Would it help if I begged? Because I will, please, please don't take my brother away. We need him here. His family loves him and needs him here.

His organs are shutting down. His heart is starting to fail. The internal bleeding has become so bad that he is now requiring several blood transfusions. If I can't figure out how to get there within the next few days, I may never see him alive again.

I feel the urgency. His wife has stopped telling me the truth about what the doctors are saying. I know she isn't doing that to be mean, but because she is in shock and is overwhelmed with the information. How in the world can anyone process the fact that they are about to lose their husband at age 39?

How do you process the fact that as a military wife, you spent so much time alone, being both mother and father, while your spouse was deployed defending our country, only to be hit in the face with the fact that he is leaving, forever this time?

I want to be there, I need to be there, and yet, life goes on and requires me to be here. I want to help and yet, I feel so paralyzed. I feel guilty I that prayed so hard for this new job to workout and you answered that prayer.

Did I not pray hard enough for my brother to survive? I know I did, but I also knew, because you showed me, that despite the fact that he would fight hard, he would not survive. I've know that from the beginning, but I always chose to believe that you were wrong.

Knowing, does not lessen the pain. Knowing what the outcome will be only enhances the feelings of helplessness and despair.

I have always struggled with the visions you send, because they are so painful. I've learned to accept, even when I can not embrace, the things you choose to show me. I fought acceptance of these visions in the beginning, but I soon learned you were never wrong.

I hate you at this moment in time, for not allowing me the ignorance of innocence. Can you please, at least stop the visions? They are so painful to experience and I know what you show me, I will have to live through.

Maybe you think of it as a way to warn me, a way to arm myself against the pain. It isn't really working that way for me. I just experience the pain twice over.

You've given me Musicman. I trust him and know he will get me through the darkness. I know all I need to do is turn toward him and he will hold me up in times of trouble.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Rage, Love, Loss

Dear Universe,

Sometimes it truly seems like you are conspiring against me.

I have started orientation for the new job. It's going well, but today was extremely physically challenging for me. I will bear the bruises for awhile I think. Just two days left and then I start program specific orientation and training. That should be easier, but boy does it suck to feel every single second of my age. Who knew I was really 103, lol.

That isn't really what I am referring to though. Physical challenges, while difficult, I can get through, I'm stubborn that way. No, I am referring to the message from my SIL that was waiting when I got home.

I have tried so hard to disregard the visions you keep sending, to keep my spirits up and believe that my brother is going to beat this. He deserves to beat this, he is fighting so hard. His family and children deserve to have such a fine man in their lives for many, many years yet.

Despite all that, it doesn't look as if that is meant to be. The chemo didn't work. The pet scan showed that the cancer has spread. Truth be told, I already knew that, but it still hurt to hear that it was true. They had to tell their boys today. I don't know where either one of them found the strength to do that. The boys are devastated, I understand, so am I.

He has been extremely ill this past week and in quite a bit of pain. He will be admitted to the hospital, again, tomorrow, for some surgical procedures to try and help reduce the pain. He will be starting on a new cancer drug.  We are all hopeful, but statistics show that this drug will likely do nothing but prolong his life, the average time it extends it is 1.4 months. God damn google anyway.

Of course, we will take every day we can get, but it is so infuriating that I am so far away and can not spend these days with him. It makes me want to rage, and scream that it isn't fair. This man spent half his life deployed in defense of our country and now, now that he has fulfilled his duty and is entitled to finally be there for his family, it isn't going to happen. I know life isn't fair, but really, this sucks big time.

I am in awe of his internal strength. He hasn't given up, he continues to fight with every ounce of energy he has. I continue to pray every day that he will succeed, that he will beat this awful disease and live to a ripe old age. Much like me, his first grandchild is due soon, I pray he lives to see that day and hold that child in his arms.

Most of all, I pray every day, that I will see him alive one last time before he goes, for I know in my heart what you have shown me. He will not survive this fight. That makes me so exceedingly sad.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Better Off Alone

Dear Universe,

Sometimes it's so obvious that my family takes me for granted. Today is Mother's Day. I'm a Mother of two children. I've sacrificed everything for my husband and children and asked very little in return. Guess what that gets me? Yep, very little.

I willingly set aside my hopes and dreams to make them happy. I've not lived up to my potential or experienced the things I wanted to experience because they needed me. I've not taken the chances, or attempted to grab the brass ring, for them.

Today is Mother's Day, it has been an exceedingly lonely day for me. I didn't hear from daughter. I never hear from her unless she needs something from me. My son did finally come home, but he didn't even wish me a Happy Mother's Day. Musicman made me breakfast, but then he spent the rest of the day napping. I have no idea how someone can nap for 5 hours, but he manages it.

While he slept, I cooked dinner and watched movies, all by myself. I would usually do laundry today, but I declined to do that, because it's Mother's Day. That just means I will have to do it tomorrow. No big savings that.

What exactly is it I'm doing wrong? Why do they not appreciate the fact that everything I do makes their life easier? When will someone in my life treat me as a worthy human being?

I'm beginning to think the answer is never. I have some very important things going on next week, I need Musicman's support, but so far, I'm not getting it. These are the kind of days that make me think I would be better off alone. Days like this make me wish for the strength to truly do what makes ME happy. That would not involve them, which is why I don't, but maybe someday I will be that strong.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

An Honorable Man

Dear Universe,

I love my husband more than should be legally allowed, I also know he is one of the most honorable men I know. That's not who I want to talk about today. I want and need to talk about my brother.

I did not grow up with the best home life. There was so much abuse, that once I escaped at age 17, I never looked back. I also have struggled to get past the way I was raised in order to develop a closer relationship with certain family members.

The hardest one to develop has been with my youngest brother. His birthday is 2 days before  mine, but he is 9 years younger than I am. I was too busy as a young girl trying to protect myself to care anything about a baby brother. Due to our age difference he was still very young when I left home. I didn't know him at all, until we both became adults.

He is an extremely smart man. I have a genius IQ, his is higher than mine. I identify as an empath, I don't know if he does, but he has some of the same abilities to pick up on the energy that I do. The first time we spoke about it, it was comforting to be able to talk with someone who understood what it is like to tune in that way.

He has spent the last 20 years serving our country in Navy, he attained the rank of chief and is a top notch electrician. He is extremely creative and can draw like no ones business. He is also a very accomplished wood worker.

Despite the fact that he has spent half of the last 20 years deployed all over the world, he is a very devoted father. He married a woman who already had 3 young sons, they went on to have one together. He loved and raised all of the boys as if they were his own. They have grown up to be fine young men and a credit to both their parents.

This man makes me so proud to call him my brother. If something were ever to happen to my beloved Musicman, this is who I would turn to for help and support. I wish I could reveal more, I wish I could share the essence of who he is as a man with everyone. All girls should be so blessed to have a brother like him.

He's not doing well right now. He continues to lose weight and is down to 190 lbs. He is 6' 5" so he must be mostly skin and bones by now. The internal bleeding continues and he is often very, very ill. He hasn't given up, he never says he can't do this, he continues to say, " I will win". If anybody can beat stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer, it's him.

I struggle to believe this, not because I doubt his strength, or the love he has for his family that keeps him fighting. I struggle because of that dang energy and the visions it brings. They aren't comforting and I am hoping against hope that what I keep seeing does not come to pass. If anyone has the strength and fortitude to change their future, it's him. I'm doing my best to focus on that.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Patience Pays Off

Dear Universe,

The patience paid off, yesterday I was offered the job I have spent the last three weeks interviewing for. It's taken three years, but I think I finally found the right place for me. Thank you. I was so excited I called Musicman at work to tell him. I usually only call if it is an emergency, but I just had to share the news with him right away. He has been so patient and supportive throughout this process that I wanted to share the good news with him.

I start the week after next, so only one more week of unscheduled time for me. I will have to spend some time next week getting the preliminary stuff done, paperwork and a physical need to be completed. That should be relatively easy to accomplish, a bit time consuming, but not too bad.

I haven't heard how my brother's treatment went yesterday, which worries me some. My SIL has a tendency to not respond when she doesn't want to worry me with bad news. I'm hoping everything went well and I will try again today to reach her.

Even that worry wasn't enough to dampen my spirits about the new job though. I really believe this is going to be a good fit for me. The staff, from what I've seen so far, are pretty awesome and the clients should be fun to work with. For the first time in quite a long while I am genuinely excited about a job.

We had a lovely celebration last night. Definitely worthy of a faerie post, but I sorta doubt I will post anything. The only one I really feel like sharing with is Musicman. It was absolutely wonderful, multiple implements, which I loved every minute of, combined with overt domination and I was one happy girl.

I do wish I had communicated a bit more during the encounter. Seems writing is not the only place I have lost my voice. I was never good at talking during intimate encounters, but with his encouragement it was starting to improve. I love the words, they fan the flames of arousal and I would like to give that to him too. I suppose I just need more encouragement from him to get moving in that area again. He used a word last night that he rarely uses, "Master". He hasn't actually ever said he wants me to call him that, but I think maybe he does. Something I will have to work on too.

I still haven't made any decision about my faerie blog. I want to keep that window into my head open for Musicman, but I'm not feeling it for any other reason right now. Maybe I will take it private for just him and I for a while. Or, maybe not, I don't know.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Just Catching Up

Dear Universe,

My brother is supposed to go for his last chemo treatment today. He was too weak last week to get it, so it was rescheduled until today. Still waiting to hear if he is actually going to be strong enough to get it. He continues to have internal bleeding and has lost 10 lbs since last week. He can't afford to loose that much weight as he was always on the slim side.

If he is able to have the treatment done today then they will do another Pet Scan in two weeks. That will tell us definitively if the chemo is working or not. Of course we are all hoping for positive results, but I still have doubts. I suppose that's normal. I'm just hoping that if the results aren't what we want to hear that he does not get discouraged and give up fighting.

Not much else going on here. I had my third interview for this job on Monday. I think it went well, though I did get the impression that one of the two women didn't care much for me. Hopefully I am wrong about that and she was just stressed about something else. They did tell me it could be a few more weeks yet before I hear anything. I'm trying my best to be patient and positive.

I do believe we are finally making some progress on the home repair that we have been working on. That's good news.

Other then that, all I can say is I can feel myself pulling back some from everyone. I'm not feeling much like writing, even though I did figure some important things out, it has been hard to write about them. I don't really want to focus too much on it and feel I've already written too much about it.

I just can't really get into the mindset to write or to read or comment much. I am again questioning if maybe I just have nothing left to say as faerie. We are in a pretty good place with the D/s and not much new is going on, so nothing much to say.

It's kind of ironic that when I left last time, I started to miss it it almost immediately. Now that I have gone back, I think it might have been a mistake. I just don't feel very comfortable doing it anymore. It's more of a struggle then it should be. Later this month it will hit the two year mark since I started that blog, how much more could I possibly have to offer. With all the other things going on in my life right now, it may be time to let it go and move on. Oh well, I'm not going to worry about it, it will work itself out eventually.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Stressed

Dear Universe,

It's been awhile since we last chatted. Too much on my mind to even write lately.

I interviewed for a great job two weeks ago. They called me for a second on site interview, which I did last week. I think it went well, but I haven't heard anything since then. They did tell me it could take a couple weeks to do the background checks and such. I'm trying very hard not to get anxious or stressed, but everyday that goes by without hearing makes it harder and harder.

There have been home repair issues that have been of concern, but as hard as it is to deal with, there isn't much I can do about the situation. That is frustrating and so is the fact that Musicman after working 10 hours a day has to come home and deal with it. That means not much energy left for playtime, so that has waned some too.  I know, it's selfish of me to even think that, I'm trying not too, but it's hard.

I suppose the biggest news and the biggest stressor would be my brother. He had his last chemo treatment today. He had been pretty stable, despite the fact that he is still losing weight. He really couldn't afford to lose any weight as he has always been on the slim side.

Today they realized that he is bleeding internally and his bilirubin levels are climbing. Neither of those are good things. He has had to be on major blood thinners because he has been having issues with bloodclots from the beginning. The choice between bleeding internally and bloodclots is no choice at all, they are both bad.

The rising bilirubin levels likely means the tumor has grown and is now blocking the bile ducts. That's not good either. I'm very afraid that he may be getting close to the end of this journey and that's a fact I don't want to face.

Yes, I could go on and on about how unfair it all is, but we both know that will accomplish nothing. Life has never been fair and I don't expect that will change anytime soon.

I've gone back to writing in my other blog, but it isn't as comforting as it used to be. I read my friends blogs, but I rarely comment. I just can't seem to find the words, that  makes me feel like I am being a bad friend. They have always been quite supportive of me and I can't seem to do the same for them.

I've been putting a lot of effort into inviting the positive into my life and that is helping some, but most days I still feel like I just want to run and hide. I suppose that has something to do with why I haven't been by to chat recently too.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower