Stressed

Dear Universe,

It's been awhile since we last chatted. Too much on my mind to even write lately.

I interviewed for a great job two weeks ago. They called me for a second on site interview, which I did last week. I think it went well, but I haven't heard anything since then. They did tell me it could take a couple weeks to do the background checks and such. I'm trying very hard not to get anxious or stressed, but everyday that goes by without hearing makes it harder and harder.

There have been home repair issues that have been of concern, but as hard as it is to deal with, there isn't much I can do about the situation. That is frustrating and so is the fact that Musicman after working 10 hours a day has to come home and deal with it. That means not much energy left for playtime, so that has waned some too.  I know, it's selfish of me to even think that, I'm trying not too, but it's hard.

I suppose the biggest news and the biggest stressor would be my brother. He had his last chemo treatment today. He had been pretty stable, despite the fact that he is still losing weight. He really couldn't afford to lose any weight as he has always been on the slim side.

Today they realized that he is bleeding internally and his bilirubin levels are climbing. Neither of those are good things. He has had to be on major blood thinners because he has been having issues with bloodclots from the beginning. The choice between bleeding internally and bloodclots is no choice at all, they are both bad.

The rising bilirubin levels likely means the tumor has grown and is now blocking the bile ducts. That's not good either. I'm very afraid that he may be getting close to the end of this journey and that's a fact I don't want to face.

Yes, I could go on and on about how unfair it all is, but we both know that will accomplish nothing. Life has never been fair and I don't expect that will change anytime soon.

I've gone back to writing in my other blog, but it isn't as comforting as it used to be. I read my friends blogs, but I rarely comment. I just can't seem to find the words, that  makes me feel like I am being a bad friend. They have always been quite supportive of me and I can't seem to do the same for them.

I've been putting a lot of effort into inviting the positive into my life and that is helping some, but most days I still feel like I just want to run and hide. I suppose that has something to do with why I haven't been by to chat recently too.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower