Stressed

Dear Universe,

It's been awhile since we last chatted. Too much on my mind to even write lately.

I interviewed for a great job two weeks ago. They called me for a second on site interview, which I did last week. I think it went well, but I haven't heard anything since then. They did tell me it could take a couple weeks to do the background checks and such. I'm trying very hard not to get anxious or stressed, but everyday that goes by without hearing makes it harder and harder.

There have been home repair issues that have been of concern, but as hard as it is to deal with, there isn't much I can do about the situation. That is frustrating and so is the fact that Musicman after working 10 hours a day has to come home and deal with it. That means not much energy left for playtime, so that has waned some too.  I know, it's selfish of me to even think that, I'm trying not too, but it's hard.

I suppose the biggest news and the biggest stressor would be my brother. He had his last chemo treatment today. He had been pretty stable, despite the fact that he is still losing weight. He really couldn't afford to lose any weight as he has always been on the slim side.

Today they realized that he is bleeding internally and his bilirubin levels are climbing. Neither of those are good things. He has had to be on major blood thinners because he has been having issues with bloodclots from the beginning. The choice between bleeding internally and bloodclots is no choice at all, they are both bad.

The rising bilirubin levels likely means the tumor has grown and is now blocking the bile ducts. That's not good either. I'm very afraid that he may be getting close to the end of this journey and that's a fact I don't want to face.

Yes, I could go on and on about how unfair it all is, but we both know that will accomplish nothing. Life has never been fair and I don't expect that will change anytime soon.

I've gone back to writing in my other blog, but it isn't as comforting as it used to be. I read my friends blogs, but I rarely comment. I just can't seem to find the words, that  makes me feel like I am being a bad friend. They have always been quite supportive of me and I can't seem to do the same for them.

I've been putting a lot of effort into inviting the positive into my life and that is helping some, but most days I still feel like I just want to run and hide. I suppose that has something to do with why I haven't been by to chat recently too.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Brutal Day

Dear Universe,

I tried so hard yesterday not to spiral out of control. I embraced the positive which buoyed my spirits some, until I got to work. The amount of cases they have assigned, is not physically possible to complete in the time I have available. That stresses me some.

Musicman tells me not to worry, do what I can and don't worry about the rest. Great advice, if only I could take it. I just can't do any less than my best, when my best isn't good enough, I start to have problems. I know that what they are asking of me is too much, but when I voice that, they don't care.

I don't really care that they don't care. What I do care about is the fact that I need this paycheck. I don't want to jeopardize my family and our home. I heard from co-workers yesterday that the out of town supervisors are coming in this week, possibly today, ugh.

I don't think it is a good idea for me to talk to them. Having done their job before, I am going to find it very difficult not to tell them EXACTLY what I think. Musicman tells me to say whatever I need to say. If I do that, I will probably get fired. To which he says, so what, let them fire you.

I love the fact that he is so supportive. I love that he lets me rant and rave and get it all out. He understands he can't fix this for me, but he always offers words of support and advice. That is a true gift to me. I just don't want to let him down, and if I end up getting fired for running my mouth that is how I would feel.

Of course, I also feel guilty coming home so emotionally and physically exhausted that I can't even make dinner. He never judges or ridicules or is disappointed in me for that, but I am. It's that need I have to be all things to all people. I am trying to change that mindset, but it's just not easy for me. Especially when it's the things I want to do that I can't get done.

Give me strength to get through this day in a better manner then yesterday.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Maybe Tomorrow

Dear Universe,

It's late, I'm exhausted, I should be sleeping. However, such is not the case. I've often thought: sleep is a competitive sport. I'm often on the loosing team.

My mind just runs amok. Too many thoughts, zipping through my mind. Too much energy, I'm over stimulated. I need an outlet, a way to dispel the darkness, but none readily reveal themselves.

I know what would work, but no opportunities are present. Responsibility is deeply rooted.  I want to be her.  I can not be her. I must be someone I don't much care for. It's what society in general expects. It's what my family needs.

I put on the game face and hope no one sees through the cracks. If I show weakness, they will take me down at my knees. I must be strong, I will endure. I may not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I still believe it's there.

I did not get my wish. Peace and quiet, a chance to hibernate, rejuvenate, was not achieved. I am now forced to find another way to recharge and continue on.

I have a choice or two. One I can control, one I can not. The one I can not control is most effective, but far beyond my reach. I'm too tired to say again, what I need. I refuse to beg. Really, what's the use? No one listens, no one cares. No one understands the things I can't articulate.

He tries sometimes to understand. I can't blame him for falling short. I'm not an easy woman. I'm a complicated mess of emotions, hormones and wildly flying hair.

Too many people rely on me to have the answers. Weakness and need is not an option I can indulge. I don't like that much, I'm tired and worn down. Haven't I fought hard enough? Haven't I earned the right to put myself first? Apparently not. Maybe tomorrow?

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Another Soul to Keep

Dear Universe,

Just when I think things can't get any worse, they do. Our son showed up last night, belongings in tow, asking to move back in. Despite the fact that we haven't heard from him in over 4 months, we said yes.

I'm so frustrated with these kids. I'm a Mom, I love my kids, but I don't always like the decisions they make. My children seem to need to learn everything the hard way, and they don't care who they hurt in the process. I want the best for them, but I'm tired of being hurt by them.

I am off to another frustrating day of training at a job I don't want, and now I have the added worry of wondering what is going on at my home with the kids. They are notorious for not getting along well with each other. They are both certainly old enough to not behave like spoiled 2 year olds having a temper tantrum, but historically that hasn't been the case.

I thought we had gotten to a time in our life when we could start to relax and slow down a little. Maybe even focus on ourselves and having some fun. Now, I anticipate us never having time to ourselves. No private time means no playtime.

Playtime should probably not be my focus, but if I can't enjoy life occasionally, what is the point of working so hard? If possible, I feel more lost then ever about what I am supposed to be doing with my life. The only thing I know for sure anymore, is that Mr. loves me unconditionally and hopefully this won't add distance between us.

I had already been struggling to not pull away too much due to the demands on  my time with this new job. Now, after a long, hard day at work I can't even look forward to playtime when I get home. Can I run away now? Of course, I could, but I never have any success talking Mr. into going with me. I can't go without him because without him, I have no reason to live.

I'm begging you, please send me some positive news soon. I seriously don't know how much more stress I can take. Especially since my main form of stress relief has been greatly curtailed due to having no privacy. Yes, I'm stuck in a vicious circle and can't find my way out.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower