It's late, I'm exhausted, I should be sleeping. However, such is not the case. I've often thought: sleep is a competitive sport. I'm often on the loosing team.
My mind just runs amok. Too many thoughts, zipping through my mind. Too much energy, I'm over stimulated. I need an outlet, a way to dispel the darkness, but none readily reveal themselves.
I know what would work, but no opportunities are present. Responsibility is deeply rooted. I want to be her. I can not be her. I must be someone I don't much care for. It's what society in general expects. It's what my family needs.
I put on the game face and hope no one sees through the cracks. If I show weakness, they will take me down at my knees. I must be strong, I will endure. I may not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I still believe it's there.
I did not get my wish. Peace and quiet, a chance to hibernate, rejuvenate, was not achieved. I am now forced to find another way to recharge and continue on.
I have a choice or two. One I can control, one I can not. The one I can not control is most effective, but far beyond my reach. I'm too tired to say again, what I need. I refuse to beg. Really, what's the use? No one listens, no one cares. No one understands the things I can't articulate.
He tries sometimes to understand. I can't blame him for falling short. I'm not an easy woman. I'm a complicated mess of emotions, hormones and wildly flying hair.
Too many people rely on me to have the answers. Weakness and need is not an option I can indulge. I don't like that much, I'm tired and worn down. Haven't I fought hard enough? Haven't I earned the right to put myself first? Apparently not. Maybe tomorrow?
Love,
Lolita Lilyflower
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