Spring between the Snowflakes

Dear Universe,

It's the first day of spring and I see the sun peaking out, yay. Unfortunately, it's cold and snowy too. Such is life on the lake shore.

Things here are on the upswing. Mr. is feeling better, the meds they put him on are making him feel pretty good. When he's good, I'm good, that's just the way it works for me.

I'm still adjusting to the new work environment, but it's getting easier. I first thought I wouldn't deal so well with such a nonprofessional environment, but I'm finding that's not the case. Most of the people that work there are very tough people. I've already seen one drug deal occur, had one person tell me she's a junkie and had two other women tell me their husbands are in prison.

These are not the kind of people I'm usually exposed too, and while I probably won't ever be socializing with them any time soon, I like them. I like the fact that they are honest about who they are and what real life is like for them. It allows me the leeway to be who I am without fear of judgement or ridicule. I find that very refreshing.

The actual job is okay, not too challenging, though I am starting to get more and more cases everyday. I am wary of becoming overwhelmed, but I just need to remember how to handle it if I do become overwhelmed. I've never been the shy retiring type and that trait will serve me well in this situation. Finally, a job where speaking up, saying it like it is and not having to "play the game," is a reality. I never was good at playing the game.

Maybe now I can start to find some balance between my sub side and my independent side. I do realize that I had been burying my sub side for many years, cause I didn't think I could be her and survive in the world. That's the reason I stopped writing as faerie for the moment. I didn't know how to be her out in the world and not get hurt.

Approaching this new situation from my non sub side has worked well for me. Except for the fact that I miss her. So, I suppose I need to focus on slowly starting to incorporate more of her into me. Yes, I know it sounds a little crazy that I talk about myself as if I'm different people. Don't we all have many sides?  I think so and I acknowledge that fact.

It really is just a shift in thinking for me. My attitude changes, but my behavior and the way I interact in the world doesn't. I went so deep into my sub side and was so happy there, cause she is the one that feels all the joy. She still has some innocence and wonder in her, she's the part of me that wasn't damaged by the abuse. She's the part of me that wasn't hardened to pain and suffering in her life.

She was too easily hurt by everything, so I dove the other way and sought to deny her. I am starting to believe I can be both. I'm not entirely sure how, but I'm very motivated to figure it out. I'm motivated to be the be the best me I can be and that requires me to acknowledge and embrace both my tough side and my soft side.

I think it would help me to integrate my sides if I started writing as faerie again, but I'm not ready for that, yet. Maybe soon.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower