My Dark Side

Dear Universe,

Yes, I deleted that last post. It was nothing but a ranting temper tantrum on my part. I get caught in these damn menopausal hormone storms and I am out of control. I look for someone to blame when the reality is no one is to blame, certainly not my husband. If anything he should be applauded for dealing with me as well as he does.

I wish that I could control them, that I could make them go away, but no matter how hard I try I can't. I either cry or descend in to anger and lash out. Of course, I hate crying, it makes me feel weak. Lashing out in anger feels good at the time, but only at the time. I always regret saying the things I say when I lash out. I never mean them, it's really just a way to release some of the stress.

I am glad that I have this place to vent, no one reads here so no one gets hurt by my lack of decorum. I never want to hurt people, especially my wonderful husband. Life hasn't been any easier for him than it has been for me. We find our strength to face the world in each other, and lately I've been letting him down in that area.

I miss being his sub, I need his dominance to feel safe. I'm the one that has been rejecting that dynamic recently. I'm the one that felt I couldn't be her and deal with all the changes going on. I now see that was a mistake. I now see that I need that dynamic now more than ever.

I know it was a mistake to think that if he really cared he wouldn't let me give it up. He cares way more than I give him credit for. He would do anything humanly possible to make me happy. I'm the one that often feels it's not enough. If it's not enough, I need to do something to make it enough.

It would be helpful if I started communicating my needs better, but right now I am struggling to even understand what I need. I get it stuck in my head that he has all kinds of expectations of me and I grow resentful when I feel like I am failing to live up to those expectations. The truth is, the only one that has these outlandish expectations of me, is me. I really need to let them go and realize he will still love me and still want to be with me, even if I can't be perfect.

The trainers are coming in today and we are finally going to learn the program. Hopefully that all goes well and I can get onto some kind of regular schedule. That will help immensely as I feel like I've spent the last few weeks spinning my wheels and getting no where. I've accepted the fact that I have to work, I found a job I can do without too much effort, if they would just let me do it, things would get better.

That's gonna be my thought for the day, my new focus: things are going to get better. I will be able to be the wife to him that he deserves and that I desperately want to be. Work will only be 8 hours a day of my time, then I can walk away and spend the rest of my time focusing on the things that make me happy, serving him the way he deserves.

Thanks for listening to me and not judging me on my little temper tantrum, and thanks for not sharing my dark side with anyone, it's so unattractive of me.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower