Great News

Dear Universe,

Great news! Our daughter finally got her GED. I've only been pushing her to do that for 5 years now. She is such an intelligent young girl, it broke my heart when she quit school. I'm so proud of her, it's definitely a step in the right direction.

She has also said she found a place to live and might be moving out soon. I'm not gonna hold my breath on that one. I'd like to see her settled in her own place, she'd be so much happier. I just really want her to find a stable place so that she can be ready when the baby comes. I'm not so sure the place she found is the ideal situation, and I fear even if she does move out, she will be back before too long.

Having her living on her own would be one step closer to us having our empty nest back. That would be so nice. We could have had some private time last night since our son went out for the evening, but our daughter was home. This is starting to get quite ridiculous that we can't seem to get them coordinated enough to both be gone at the same time.

I have been really considering starting to write as faerie again. I have started reading and commenting on some of my friends blogs recently. Sorta dabbling my toe back in the waters of submission so to speak. Friends have been very encouraging when I leave comments and through email.

Something is holding me back though and I'm not quite sure what it is. Fear maybe. Fear that I will dive back into that mindset and then have to abandon it again. I couldn't handle that. I so enjoy that mindset, it's such a comfortable place for me. I'm happy being her cause she was never damaged and can feel true joy. I want that again.

I want to continue exploring that lifestyle. I do feel as if we have lost some ground. Heck, we picked up something this weekend that according to blogland is a very effective and quiet implement. I haven't even mentioned that fact to Musicman. I don't know if he has even considered using it as an implement. I don't think he looks at things with a spanko eye the way I do, so it may not have occurred to him.

Some of the reason we have lost ground is the lack of privacy, but some of it is because I just refuse to allow myself to go there. I miss it, I want to go back, I want to be her again. And yet, I just don't feel ready. If I could figure out exactly what was preventing me from embracing it again, I could move forward.

The odd thing about leaving it all behind is the only thing that has really changed is the way I feel and the way I think about myself. It hasn't changed the way I interact with Musicman too much. Of course, starting into the lifestyle didn't really change much about how we interacted on a daily basis anyway. I was already submissive in our daily lives, at least as much as he wanted me to be.

I know the reasons for that. It was easy to let him be the leader. He wasn't damaged, he knew what a normal, loving home was like and I felt he could show me how to have it too. I was right about that, and I've never regretted deferring to him. I'm not always happy with his decisions, but I always know he has a good reason. I've also always known that he was open to discussing anything I didn't agree with. There have been plenty of times when after those discussions he has changed his mind too. He's not a dictator, he is a wonderful leader.

I think too that part of the problem is the time commitment. Writing a popular blog that gets a lot of comments is time consuming. I enjoy the interaction with my commenters and always answer all of them. Of course, it's not blogland that makes me feel the pressure. It's not like I have to answer the comments at any given time. I just feel guilty taking time for myself.

I know I shouldn't feel that way. I know I deserve to have interests and hobbies of my own.  I've just never been very good at taking care of myself. I'm great at taking care of others, myself, not so much. I think too, that I still have it tucked away in the back of mind that Musicman could make me start it again. That's a silly thought, he would never do that, it's really just my longing for his dominance that still nurtures that thought.

I've definitely got some more thinking to do before I make the leap back into being faerie.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower