Becoming an Automaton

Dear Universe,

Such an emotionally chaotic weekend it's been. Friday I finally got to start actually doing the job. That alone made me feel better. I'm not sure what Monday holds, other than hours that really suck. I'm trying not to worry too much about it, but I hate the idea of not being here to cook and eat dinner with him.

It will make for some very busy days for me. I will be up early cleaning and cooking before going in to work and putting in a full day. I don't know where I will find the energy to do both, but I really don't have a choice, so, I'll just do it.

Saturday started out nice, we were up and out early getting errands done. I did do some shopping. I bought some shoes, and some clothes. I was optimistic about my size and bought a smaller than usual size of clothes. I tried them on and they fit, but not well. Thank goodness I've learned not to remove tags before trying things on. I will be making a trip back to the store to exchange everything for one size larger, they'll look better one size larger.

So much for being optimistic, oh well. I've asked several times to have the TV in the room with my treadmill fixed, so that I can start walking again. It hasn't happened yet. I suppose at some point I will have to do it myself.

We watched some movies and hung out. I always enjoy doing that. We did have a quick playtime scenario. That would be the problem, it was so quick. I enjoyed it, but really wanted and needed more. We had every intention of more, but we had no privacy for more.

Apparently, I'm supposed to be understanding of the fact that my daughter's boyfriend is finally working, and they can't hang out together all day.

Apparently, I'm supposed to ignore the fact that both Mr and I work all week and he only has enough energy for real playtime on Saturday night. I am expected too graciously give up my privacy and opportunity for playtime to make things easier for her.

So, I got about 15 minutes of his dedicated time and attention, and that's supposed to be good enough until next weekend. It's not, but I don't know how to change that. We've both got a long week of work ahead of us. He's gonna have to help out with cooking, even if it is just reheating because I cooked before I went to work. Either way, it's a lot of extra work for me, and less convenient for him.

That leads me to believe there won't be much energy for playtime. There rarely is now, when I take care of everything at home for him.  With me not being here and him having to help out some, well, I might as well forget being the focus of his attention.

All that's left is for me to become the automaton I've been for the last 20+ years. Get up, cook, clean, go to work, come home, eat, sleep, get up and do it all again. Day after day after day, until the end of the week arrives. Two days break to get caught up with home chores and errands and do it all again.

I'm really beginning to hate my life. And, I don't believe in hate.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower