Emotional Tsunami

Dear Universe,

I've had the kind of weekend I dread. Mr. woke up ill yesterday, that often  makes him cranky. That he definitely was. He said some really mean things to me. Things that hurt my feelings and made me cry. Of course these days, thanks to menopause, I cry easily.

He did apologize later, but my feelings are still hurt. I know he doesn't care for the wild mood swings and the tears, but he doesn't seem to understand that I can't control them. Believe me, if I could, I certainly would. Not only that, but I would share the answer with women all over the world.

I've attempted to explain to him many times how out of control I feel. It's one of the reasons I need him to be in control. He just never quite seems to grasp it. He thinks when I proposed a D/s lifestyle that I just wanted sex games. I admit, I did want that, but that's not all I wanted. I wanted and needed to know that when these hormonal storms hit, he will be there to take control. He knows how to take the control. He knows what I need to get back in control, he just isn't interested.

If I were a candidate for HRT, I would do it, but I'm very high risk for breast cancer and won't chance it. I do my best to manage the hormones through diet, exercise and vitamins and supplements, but it's not 100%. When we had the privacy to play several times a week things were better. I stayed on an even keel.

Now, with the kids both living back at home, we rarely get a chance to play. Maybe once a week if we are lucky. That's just not enough to keep me flowing along. The storms hit and I am lost in a Tsunami of dark emotions, confusion, rage, anger and hurt. Let's not even mention the hot flashes and night sweats, those are miserable.

It upsets me greatly that my body feels so foreign to me, that my whole attitude and outlook on life seems to have changed. Being a sub made me so happy, it made me feel like my normal positive self. Mr. just never seemed to grasp or embrace it as anything more then sex games and after almost 2 years of trying to explain it, I finally gave up. Maybe someday I will attempt to explain it to him again, though I doubt it will do any good.

Oh well, maybe someday things will be better. Menopause can't last forever, right? Please tell me I'm right.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower