What a Weekend

Dear Universe,

Things are moving right along with the new job. I finalized everything this morning and should be starting orientation later this week. Wish I could say everything else is going so well, but that would be a lie.

I received a call from the boy's school Friday afternoon. He managed to mess up big time and got suspended for 2 days. The school just played right into his hands on that one. The kid doesn't like school to begin with. He walks out on a regular basis and on the days he doesn't he is usually asleep in class. He is thrilled to be out of school for 2 extra days. He of course is taking advantage of the situation and hasn't been coming home at night.

That behavior started a few weeks ago, he just wouldn't come at all on Friday and saturday nights. When questioned all he will say is he was at a friend's house. We don't know who's house or where it is. If this behavior keeps up it will be tough love time. That means live by our rules or get out. Not what either Mr or I want, but we are both quickly getting tired of him thinking he is an adult and acting like a child.

I had dinner with my brother Friday night and he gave me some disturbing news. Mom has terminal cancer and is refusing treatment. The doctors say she has a year to a year and half. But, she was diagnosed 7 months ago and didn't tell anyone, so who knows really how long. Now I have to figure out what I am going to do about the fact that we haven't spoken in 2 years.

In some ways I am pissed, because now I have to be the bigger person and go apologize and make peace with her. I don't want to, but I also now that if I don't and she dies I will probably regret it. I don't want that. I just don't know what to do or what I will say. She is my Mother, and I am supposed to love her, but...

Isn't there always a but? I'm just tired of always having to be the bigger person. I am the one who was abused as a child. She was my Mother, it was her job to protect me and she failed. I have tried over the years to forgive and move on, but then she will say something stupid like the abuse was my fault. She has also said that I asked for it. How does a toddler ask to be raped by her father? 

I just don't know what I am going to do. Thank goodness I have Mr, he will help me figure it out.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Waiting Patiently

Dear Universe,

I'm practicing patience today. As you know patience is not one of my strengths. After spending so many months on finding the right job for me I am anxious to get started. I am currently waiting on a phone call to setup a time to do the final paperwork and schedule orientation for the new job.

I am debating whether to call them or not. I want to be patient and wait for them to call me. But, since I so look forward to the weekends with Mr and this is likely our last one for awhile I would like to have things settled. I think I will wait until this afternoon and then if I haven't heard anything I will call them. Being eager to get started shouldn't be a bad thing in a new employee, right?

I have tons of stuff around the house to do, cleaning and projects to get done. I should be more focused on that, then maybe the time will pass easier. I just don't want the whole day to fly by and nothing settled. If have things I need to obtain to start the new job, such as appropriate shoes. That is all stuff I could be getting sone this weekend if I knew for sure what I actually need. I am going to need some new pants also since I have almost none that fit correctly. I never replaced my work clothes after losing so much weight. I was waiting to find out what I would need.

Oh, what to do, what to do? Guess I will go clean something and if I don't hear soon I will call. Even if I call and don't gewt the answers I'm looking for I will still feel better for having done something to help the situation.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

It Worked

Dear Universe,

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I just came home from my second interview with the company I want to work for. I got the job. Yay!, I am so happy and excited. It has been such a struggle transitioning out of the line of work I had been in for the last 30 years to something new, but I did it.

I am going to be be doing food prep, cooking and cleaning. It doesn't sound like much after being a professional caregiver for so long but it is exactly what I was looking for. I love to cook and I am so OCD about cleaning, it is going to be a great fit. The company has been around for a long time and is very stable so I shouldn't have to worry about being laid off again. That in itself will be a huge difference for me. After being laid 4 times over the course of my career I'm so tired of starting over. This sould be the last time I have to do it and that makes me very happy.

The hours are variable so I can still easily work around my personal life and I can work as much as I want too. I am looking to work about 32 hours a week, though it will probably be more at the beginning. That is okay too because it will give us a chance to get a little more stable financially.

Mr. said if I just hung in there something would workout and he was right. I should believe in him more, but after looking for so many months it was becoming very difficult to keep believing.

I don't know how much time I will have for writing, but I want to keep it up as I do enjoy having a place to put my thoughts.  I know you will be patient and be there for me if I need you, you always have been. Thank you again.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

A Case of Nerves

Dear Universe,

I'm nervous, I leave in 1/2 hour for the interview. I am hoping it goes well. You know how I am, I build things up in my mind. I get over excited and start picturing how things will work out. That positivity is just ingrained in me most of the time. The problem is when things don't work out the way I picture them.

Disappointment and depression set in. The meltdown begins. I just can't go through that again. If I can just get this last issue settled then I feel like I can move forward with my life. I feel like just this one little missing part comes into place and then everything will be good.

It is so hard to maintain the positive outlook without becoming too excited and hopeful. The crash if it doesn't work out is so painful. And, given the fact that this isn't really a little issue doesn't help things. The reality is if I don't find an answer soon we could be in danger of losing everything.

It breaks my heart and compounds the guilt I already feel. I don't know if I will be able to forgive myself if we lose everything. I'm a simple kind of girl and don't need much, but Mr. has worked so hard, he deserves better. I need this to workout or it could cause a more serious break in my psyche. That would ruin me and my marriage. If that happens I will have no reason to continue with any of it. I simply love him too much to hurt him like that and not have a lasting negative effect.

Please look kindly on me today, guide my words and actions and help me keep the faith. Thank you.

Love,
lolita Lilyflower

Paradise by the Dashboard Lights

Dear Universe,

It's been awhile, things got bad last week and I couldn't deal. I seriously just shut down. I know that's not productive and doesn't help the situation, but there you have it. These meltdowns I have been going through since I got sober are brutal. I get so lost in the negative emotions and I can't get out. Very, very frustrating to say the least.

They have been getting better, occurring less and less. If I could just get this one last piece of the puzzle that is my shattered life put in place things would even out. That piece of course is a job. Yes, I'm still looking, still struggling to get anywhere with it all.

I do have a piece of good news. I just got off the phone with a prospective employer in regards to an application I put in. I did make it through the phone interview and have an actual face to face interview scheduled for tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I need a job, but I really think I would enjoy working at this particular place. It is a retail store that i shop at often. It also would allow me to utilize everyday life skills I have already acquired. And it correlates beautifully with one of my hobbies.

Since I don't want to go back to a career, and just want a job, this fits the definition perfectly. I'm sure they are going to be interviewing more then just me for the position, but maybe you can smile on me an exert some influence in my favor.

I can see how this job would still give me the flexibility to have meet all my obligations without getting overstressed and exhausted. I will still have the time for my DIY projects, time to take care of my home the way I like. Best of all it would give me the time and energy to still have quality time for Mr. That is important to me right now.

We have worked so hard over the years taking care of and providing for everyone else. I really feel like it is my time to focus on me and the things I want. I'm a simple girl, my wants and needs are simple. I want to keep my comfortable home and have the time for my projects. I also want an erxcellent relationship with Mr. We have that, but it takes time and attention to sustain it. We are evry close to having an empty nest and I will sustain my great relationship with Mr. if it's the last thing I do.

I know I sometimes say things that could be considered detrimental about him, but that is just me venting, getting as much negativity out as possible and leaving it behind. You know that it always helps me to shed some light on these issues. It sincerely helps me deal with it all.

Wish me luck, hopefully this is the answer I have been looking for.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Storm on the Horizon

Dear Universe,

I'm in panic mode today. The money is running out and still after months and months of searching, no job prospects. I have no idea how we are going to survive.

The idea of us losing everything doesn't scare me. No what scares me is what it will do to MR. He has been through this before with his parents. It was caused by his mother's irresponsible behaviour. What if he blames me? He works so hard, he doesn't deserve this to happen. It will be all my fault.

If I had just been stronger. Plenty of people function everyday at a dead run, taking care of and providing for everyone. Why wasn't I able to hang in there? Why am I not strong enough to meet all my obligations?

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling like I have no options. I'm tired of working so hard to find an answer just to have every door slammed in my face. When is enough enough? I don't know where to go from her or what to do next.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Stressful Thinking

Dear Universe,

Another long day of struggling to find a job and worrying about what will happen if I don't. Mr. knows how difficult the economy is and isn't pushing me. He knows I'm trying, but I still feel like I'm letting him down.

I wish I didn't feel that way, it's not anything he does that makes me feel that way. I just feel like for the first time in my life I'm not meeting my obligations. But then I look at everything I do during the day and wonder how many obligations I need to take on?

We would both be happy with me staying home full time and taking care of home and hearth. If we could just get the economy to cooperate. I don't say much about it to Mr. because I know he feels bad that he doesn't make enough to support us comfortably. I don't blame him that, it's just the way the world is today.

Our generation is used to the idea of the woman working outside the home in addition to the man working. I did that for 30+ years. I raised my kids, I took care of sick widowed family members when they had no one else. How much more is expected of me? Why do I feel like I am just not strong enough anymore to do it all?

I have no answers to those questions today.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower