Organized and Ready

Dear Universe,

I've had a busy day, but I'm as ready as I'll ever be to start the new job. I've been organizing closets and clothes and jewelry for 2 days and it's done. I haven't had to wear business casual in almost ten years. I am in serious need of some things.

I'm good with dress clothes, thanks to the fact that I wear skirts most of the time at home. A few cardigans to go over some of the tee's and cami's that I wear at home with my skirts and I should be good for office wear. I am in desperate need of shoes, undergarments and accessories such as belts.

Those are things I never wear at home. Once I get some dress shoes, and get used to wearing undies everyday, I should be all set. I have organized all my jewelry and almost look forward to wearing it again. It's been awhile since I have had to dress up for work. Uniforms are so easy, but not as much fun either.

I've been planning outfits and shoe shopping online and it has helped my entire outlook about the job. I'm just anxious and am ready to get it started. Too bad Mr. doesn't seem to understand this concept. He snapped at me last night because I was in a bit of a bad mood. He hasn't realized that part of the bad mood is due to the fact that he has backed way off with the dominance.

This is when I need it the most, when I'm stressed, but that has never been his default mode either. He has relied on me and my writing to let him know what I need. Since I haven't been writing in that blog he has been hesitant to give me what I need.

I can tell he feels me pulling away, but he does nothing to prevent that. I haven't told him, cause I can't focus on that right now. He had a long time to pay attention and embrace and learn what I wanted and needed from him. He didn't do that, and I'm done pushing to get him to step up. I'm back to being reliant on myself and am trying very hard to put myself and my own needs first. He is finding that confusing, but that's not my problem right now.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Scaredy Cat

Dear Universe,

Time is flying by, only one more day before I start the new job. I wish I could say I was looking forward to it, but I'm not. In all honesty, I'm scared.

I'm not afraid I won't be able to do the job, I've done this kind of work before, it's barely gonna be a challenge. I'm scared of all the people I'm gonna meet and will have to deal with. Too much energy is overwhelming for me. That in itself makes me different from most people, the acute awareness of people's energy.

The fact that I live a different lifestyle that I have to keep secret doesn't help either. I wonder how long it will be before people realize I don't fit in well?

I'm also doubting how well I will be able to keep up physically. It isn't necessarily a physical job, but that may not matter. I have issues with my bones and joints and experience pain on some level everyday. Will I be happy if this job exhausts me and leaves me no energy or in too much pain to do anything else? No.

I could be wrong, but from what I've seen so far, I will be working with some very young people. I don't inherently have an issue with young people, but I'm not young anymore. Physically I can't keep up, and cognitively, well, what can I say about that.

I am going to feel like a fish out of water. I've been doing my best to give myself a pep talk, but it's not working very well. I could share with Mr, but he would just laugh at me. Besides, he is seeing and feeling the difference in me right now. I don't think he has any clue what is causing the difference, but he's feeling it.

Since he never really understood the whole sub mindset thing and just embraced being a Dom as part of our sex games he is confused about how to help me. I suppose I could tell him what I need, that's what my sub friends would say to do, but right now I just can't do that.

My sincerest wish is that I'm wrong about this being a scary, bad thing. I sincerely wish that this is going to be a good thing, that all will go smoothly and I can get my life back quickly.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Independent Woman

Dear Universe,

I've had an aha moment about going back to work. I tried to see going back to work as something I'm doing for him. That should appeal to my sub side. The problem is, looking at it that way makes me feel less then valued as a person, like what I have to offer isn't enough. That makes me sad.

So, I need to find something in returning to work for me. It's not the challenge of doing the work, that holds no appeal to me. I'm not looking forward to meeting new people. In general, I no longer care for most people and the games they play.

The only thing I can find in returning to work is the fact that I will be making money. I never had a problem before with letting him control our money. I never had any qualms about the fact that he didn't care to spend money on the things I liked to spend money on. For years we have done the things, socially, that he wants to do and not much of what I want to do.

I was willing to do that, because I had a goal. A goal of working part time and being valued for what I contributed inside the home more then what I was earning. That goal was within reach, but is now gone. I've also remembered how much he values money, so I will likely never reach my goal of being valued for anything other then my earning potential.

So, time to set new goals. I've always wanted to travel. I haven't because he doesn't care to travel. I have decided that from the very first paycheck, I am starting a travel fund. If he doesn't want to travel, I will travel by myself. This is where things get dangerous.

I was willing, for so many years to give up what I wanted to make him happy, because I had that goal. The goal is gone, now I'm not willing to give up what I want for him. He is either gonna have to compromise, which he sucks at, or I will leave him behind. That is the danger in me thinking independently, in not putting him first.

If neither of us makes an effort, mainly me, we will grow apart. I don't expect him to make much effort. I handed him what supposedly every man wanted, a devoted wife who always put him first, and he didn't embrace it or appreciate it. I'm questioning what I really need him for.

If he is his own focus, and he is my focus, who focuses on me? No one, that's who. So I can no longer focus on him, I need to focus on me. If I can meet all my own needs, what do I need him for? Those are questions he should be answering, but he won't even hear them as I've not chosen to share them with him.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Sunny Monday

Dear Universe,

The sun is shining today, that always helps put me in a good mood. I've got lots to do today. The inevitable housework and cooking, letting the dogs in and out a few hundred times. That silly little dog wants to go out every time I am in the vicinity of the door.

Usually, I enjoy Monday's and housework. That's my time to shine, to make a cozy, comfy home for us. It also gives me plenty of time to think about things. Now though, I feel no one values a cozy, comfy home any more. I also can't waste my time thinking about the things I usually think about.

No one cares if I'm good at being submissive. No one cares if the garbage is emptied and the bed  made. He'll eat just about any thing I make, and if I don't make anything he will find something to eat. It took me a while to figure out that he doesn't place as much value on these things as I do.

It was easy to realize it though, when he said nothing to me letting it all go. Yeah, it took me awhile, but I finally realized what I find important and fulfilling is not the same as what he finds important. I've know for so long that money really is the only important thing to him, but I wanted to deny that.

I wanted to believe that my happiness with the simple things in life where important to him. I was fooling myself. He is fine with me taking pleasure in the simple things in life, as long as I'm also bringing in an income. If I don't want to push myself to do both, that's fine with him, as long as I bring in an income.

That makes me sad. I listen to the energy and I am hearing the messages. I know none of us are promised tomorrow, so we need to take joy in every day. I put the part of me that feels the joy away. She is isn't strong enough to deal with the challenges of daily life all by herself. He's no longer interested in protecting her, so she's gone.

That is a complete reversal of what I want and what I feel is important, but it's what I need to do to survive at the moment. I am afraid that I will lose her entirely and never feel that kind of joy again, but it's better then risking her being hurt.

Oh well, I suppose it doesn't truly matter, in just a couple short days I will be at the new job. That won't make me happy, but it will take up much of my time. He will be happy I have a paycheck coming in. I suspect he will be happy that I will be too tired to write much and way too tired to lament what I feel I have lost. He won't need to step outside his comfort zone and pay attention anymore.

He doesn't realize, nor do I think he cares, that he will never touch that secret part of me again. The part that he used to make fly, is firmly put away where he will never find it. I have no idea what I will do when work is no longer enough for me. I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Sunday Blues

Dear Universe,

So many confusing thoughts today. It's Sunday, and even though we had a lovely day yesterday which included playtime, I'm a bit sad. I realize that is because it's Sunday. I get the Sunday blues.

I don't want the weekend to end. I don't want to have to leave the idyll that we have created and go back out and function in the everyday world. I don't want him to leave either. I want a place where we can relax and play till our hearts content.

I don't want to deal with reality, work, chores and ignorant family members. They can all go go straight to hell at this moment. That sounds selfish and mean of me, and it is. But, it's also honestly how I feel.

I resent the world intruding and taking away my time to play. I don't know why I feel the crush of time so immensely these days, but I do. That should motivate me to do more with the time I have, but that hasn't happened.

For some odd reason, I feel as if, since I don't have all the time to do everything I want, I should do nothing. That makes no sense, but it's what's happening. I'm paralyzed with indecision that results in action and guilt on my part.

I'm sure part of that is because I still feel so acutely that I have given up so much. I guess that's normal when you give up a large part of yourself. I want to be her, but I just can't right now. I see her there, hovering in the corner. She wants to come out and play, she wants to be heard. I won't let her.

I won't let her come out and be heard, but I'm not ready to let her go completely yet. I want o find away to be both her and me. Of course, she feels more like the real me then I am apparently comfortable with. If I was comfortable being her and functioning in the world I would not have banished her to the dark recesses of my mind.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Oasis of Time

Dear Universe,

Another week gone, time to celebrate. We've always looked at the weekends as little oasis' of time to play. That's a good thing for me, as time is the most valuable thing to me.

We've gotten our chores done and are settling in for a nice weekend together. We had some great playtime last night, which has greatly improved my mood. If I was still writing my other blog, I'd have quite the story to tell.

I just don't feel like talking about those things right now. It was important to me to focus on our relationship and writing a relationship/sex blog did that very nicely. But, right now, there are other things I need to focus on. Mostly, being a women in today's society and how I deal with all the demands on my time.

I am prepping to start another new job next week. This will be the third job in less than a year for me. That's a lot for anyone, but for some one who changed jobs only once a decade, it's a huge amount. It used to be that I was steadily moving up in my career and when I changed jobs it was to take a better position.

Unfortunately, that is not currently the case. Healthcare here has become extremely competitive and most places are controlled by one of two huge entities that are located outside the city. When you work for them you are not a person, you are a number. I was a number for one of them for 10 years and have no wish to go back to that.

I'm hoping that once I get started with this new job, I will be able to move up quickly. It is a new program that they are planning on growing fast. It's not healthcare, but it deals with healthcare and is something I have a lot of experience in. If I have to give up my dream of not working outside the house, it might as well be worth my while. Hopefully, I will be able to accomplish that very quickly.

It may not allow me much time to play, but maybe it will give me the much needed stability, both financially and otherwise to start planning again. A stable schedule will go a long way to helping me choose what extra curricular activities I will have time to undertake. It may be the volunteer work I had planned on starting. It might be the classes I was planning to begin taking, or it might be returning to writing my other blog and being an active member in that community again. At this point, I don't know, because I haven't achieved that stability, yet.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Better Day

Dear Universe,

I'm feeling some better today. It is just so hard when it feels like my dreams are dying.

I wish I didn't see it that way. I wish I saw it as a new adventure, an opportunity for growth. I am trying to focus on that aspect, it's getting a little easier too.

I believe it's getting easier for me now that I gave up my other blog. It was so hard to say goodbye to friend's. To leave a community where I fit in so well, that's been rare for me in my life.

It feels like I am letting a part of myself go, but right now it might be easier to let her go. And then my thoughts wander, to the idea that it really does feel like a whole different personality. Am I sane? Why does it so clearly feel like I can not be a successful career woman and a successful sub at the same time?

Being a sub made me so vulnerable that I only feel safe within his immediate circle of energy. That circle includes our home, which I rarely leave without him. Not because he won't let me, but because I just don't want too. That's where I feel safest and happiest.

We created, together, a haven that I resent having to leave. I resent working so hard my whole life, and getting so close to reaching my dreams, only to have them snatched out of my grasp. That's what it feels like right now. They were there, now they are gone.

But, that's not really true, I need to quit feeling sorry for myself and find the energy to work hard for what I want. I've always had to do that, as does everyone else. Why do I think it should be different for me?

Ah, but it's not that I don't want to work hard. It's that I want to work hard at things that interest me. I want to work hard at taking care of my home and my husband. I want time. Time to play at whatever strikes my fancy. If I want to dance while I vacuum my home, I want the time and the energy to do that. If I want to spend the day cooking and baking and doing domestic chores, I want the time and energy to do that at my pace. I want to take the time to breath, to enjoy the simple things in life.

I don't want to live my life, on some one else's schedule, doing what I'm told just to earn a buck. I have a lot of attitude adjusting to do. I better get to work on it.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Life sucks big ones

Dear Universe,


It's been so long since I came here. I didn't need to come here because things were going so well. That's all changed, in the blink of an eye.

I had a gut feeling that 2013 was not going to be a good year. I tried to deny that feeling, but I know better, my gut is always right. This year sucks big ones.

My daughter hooked up with the wrong guy. She got an STD, she lost her home and moved back in with us. She lost her job and she got pregnant. Being homeless and jobless is such a great time to get pregnant don'tcha know. I'm so disappointed in her.

My baby brother, a 20 year veteran of the military, was diagnosed with aggressive, inoperable cancer. He's dying, and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel so helpless.

I haven't heard from my son in months because he decided it was a good idea to take something, I don't know what, and break into my house. When I confronted him he refused to leave. When I pushed him on it he decided it would be a good idea to assault me.

I lost my job to nepotism. What good is 30+ plus years of experience and knowledge when the only thing that really counts is who you are related to?

I wish I could say I give up, but that's not in my DNA.

Everything is changing and I don't like it. I found a job. I should be happy about that, but I'm not. I'm not because I don't want to work outside the house anymore. I want to have the time to pursue my own interests. Haven't I earned that right?

I had a popular blog, in a community where I felt like I finally fit in. I had found college courses online that I was preparing to start. It's always been a dream of mine to write and to go to college. Now I will have no time for either of these things, because I have to work full time.

I'm trying very hard not to be resentful, but I am. I had such a crappy childhood, always focused on surviving that I never really was a child. I spent decades taking care of everyone else in my life. When will it be my turn to be taken care of? Never, that's when. Or, at least that's what it feels like. So here I am, my blog gone, I've said goodbye to friends. I have given up on the idea of taking college courses. I've given up on the plans to get my home ready for sale.

I have no time for any of it. I will work full time and then come home to my second unpaid job taking care of my home and husband. I will take no joy in any of it becuase it's not what I want to do. My husband already doesn't have enough energy to keep up with me, and now I won't have the energy or the desire to push him. Life sucks big ones.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower