An Unseen Consequence

Dear Universe,

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I am struggling so much to find gainful employment. It's not that I don't want to work, I just don't want to work full time. I want and need the time to have balance in my life, that's become very important to me.

I realize that growing up the way I did, with such pervasive abuse for the majority of my childhood, has caused more issues for me then I orginally recognized. Yes, I knew that it affected my ability to trust people. I knew it affected my ability to bond with my own kids and to doubt my effectiveness as a mother. I won't even get into how it affected my sex life. What I didn't realize until just recently is that it affected the way I perceive money and what I do for money.

I grew up in a typical middle class home, the abuse was hidden so well that no one ever suspected what was going on behind closed doors. For someone on the outside looking in, I had a wonderful childhood. A nice house, vacations, toys, clothes and a private school education, I had everything money could buy.

I learned very early on that money represented freedom, so I started working early. I started to babysit at 11, by 14 I was working at a local fast food place. I paid for all my own clothes and supplies throughout highschool and by 16 was paying rent. That allowed me some freedom. Since I was supporting myself and as long as I followed the few rules they had, they left me alone.

I've come to realize though, that I feel as if I never had a childhood. I was never innocent, never had the chance to be silly and do childish things. I admit, I've never been great at handling money. I can do it, I just don't want to. I don't want to be responsible and worry about paying bills. I know this is because money does not represent happiness to me. I saw this too much growing up.

My Mother didn't care what my Father was doing, as long as she had the money to live the way she wanted to live. As long as she had the showplace home, the showplace kids and the clothes and shoes and all the other trappings money could give her, she was happy.  She was happy, but I wasn't.

I've worked hard to recover from the issues I knew about. I still don't trust many people. I still question how effective I am as a Mom, but I continue to work on being the best one I can be. I have no idea how I get over this aversion to money, the resentment I feel about the need to work and earn money. How do I get over not having the time to do what I want with my life just because it won't make me any money? When do I get time to play? It sometimes feels like I am living my life in reverse.

Give me the strength and the incite to hear the answers.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Standing at a Crossroad

Dear Universe,

I've often heard it said that if you follow your passion the money will follow. What happens when you loose your passion?

That is what I have been facing for some time now. I followed my passion,  I gave it my all, too much really. I got caught up in life and being everything for everyone, because that was my passion. I was a caregiver. I knew from a very early age that is what I wanted to do.

Circumstances conspired against me and I did not follow my passion as far as I could have. Even though I tried several times to obtain the higher education needed to make myself and what I had to offer, more valuable, it never worked out.

I didn't let that stop me though. I worked hard, took every opportunity to gain knowledge when it was offered. I moved up in my career and got caught up in the politics of corporate health care. That's when things started to go wrong. That's when the passion started to die, when I became less and less happy with my career.

Unfortunately, I was making decent money, so I ignored the feelings of dissatisfaction. I understood that I was dissatisfied, but my family needed the money to survive and thrive. I was too busy "having it all" to see that in reality, I was loosing myself. By the time I did open my eyes and see what was happening, it was too late.

I was no longer feeling the passion, I was so caught up in corporate health care that I didn't protect my own morals and ethics. When the career ended, I knew it would be okay. I knew I needed to spend the time to my find myself and feel the passion again.

I've been doing just that, finding myself, I feel the passion again, but not for being a caregiver. I don't think I can ever go back to that. I have accepted that and with the corporate takeovers that are occurring here where I live, the jobs in health care are few and far between anyway.

I am a middle aged woman with excellent customer service skills and a strong base of knowledge. I have much to offer, but of course, it comes with a price and employers aren't willing to pay that price. They realize that they can hire some one younger, less experienced, less talented, pay them less and they will still do an adequate job. If they don't, there are hundreds more people for them to choose from.

I haven't quite figured out how to proceed from here. What exactly do I feel passionate enough about to pursue a career in? Nothing really. There are things I want to do with my life, things I want to learn and dabble in, but none of that will bring me any money. Or, I should say, nothing I know how to make money doing. Just the thought of having to try and make money at them makes me ill.

I want to do things for the pure joy of doing them, learn new things for the experience of learning. That sounds quite ideal, unfortunately, it doesn't pay the bills. I've been standing at a cross road for some time now, it's time to pick a direction and move on already. Time to try and pave the way to new experiences.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Another Change

Dear Universe,

I said it had been a long week, now it's time to dump.

I got fired yesterday, I actually asked them to fire me. I'm not so good at quitting, they didn't want me to quit. I was the ideal employee for them. I just couldn't handle the lack of respect, the lack of recognition of me as a human being. I felt like cattle, I can't accept that.

I'm a professional, I conduct myself with professional behavior. I'm a hard worker, one of those employees that is at work 15 minutes before the shift starts so I'm prepared for the day. I dress appropriately, I don't behave in a vulgar manner. I know how to show people respect and make them feel valued and heard. That wasn't enough for them.

They wanted me to commit to being there until the work was done. They know they are overloading the employees, they don't care. They want to eliminate humans from the equation. In the line of business they are in that is not possible.

My immediate boss was very kind and understanding about everything and asked if she could call me in the future if they get a another contract where the bosses aren't so ridiculously ignorant. I said yes. It wasn't the people I worked with that were so impossible, it was the out of town people. They contracted the work out but wanted to retain complete control of the work. No problem with that, they just set totally unattainable expectations.

The local bosses know this, but have been unsuccessful in changing anything. People are dropping out of the program like flies. They will likely soon lose the contract because they can't keep any staff. I kinda hope that does happen and that the big boss from NYC takes a serious hit to his business because of it. Clearly he values money more then he does people and that is just wrong. At least in my opinion.

I do have an interview on Monday, which is good. I'm just so tired of starting over. I'm also a bit concerned about whether or not I can do this job physically. Guess all I can do is try.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Offensive? Me? Maybe!

Dear Universe,

It's been such a long week already and it's only Thursday Morning. We haven't seen the sun in a few days, which doesn't help. The skies have been crying and the roads are flooding. It's not predicted to stop for several more days yet, ugh. I suppose I should be happy that at least the temps are above freezing and it isn't snowing, yay.

Work has been worse than usual, if you can believe that. The big boss has been in from NYC and of course, we have to pretend like everything is sunshine and roses. He walks around asking questions and giving advice and we aren't allowed to say anything negative. I've told them to keep him away from me, cause I won't lie about the way things are. He didn't come near me yesterday, I hope I get as lucky today.

Honestly, I think he is a bit intimidated or possibly, offended by me. Yeah, probably offended by me. He is an extremely religious man. I won't say what religion, but it's one that has very strict beliefs about women and there appearance and demeanor. I'm sure all my ink offends him, quite possibly my long wild hair does too. Oh well, let him be offended, I'm not a member of his religion and never will be.

I am still pursuing other options and continue to put in applications and send out resumes. I have to believe that the right opportunity will come along, hopefully soon.

In other news, things are going pretty well with the kids, all quiet on that front for the moment. Musicman is still on the meds that work so well and is feeling pretty good. That's a good thing for me, cause I worry a little less about him when he is feeling good. It also means plenty of playtime for us. I would be happy playing all the time, but I will take whatever I can get.

Give me the strength and the sanity to get through this day smoothly and quickly.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Frustration as Fuel

Dear Universe,

Ugh, yesterday was awful. My attempts to embrace the positive did not last long once I got to work. That place is awful and I don't know how much more I can handle. They dump on you, they treat you like you are less than human. And they do it all in the name of the almighty dollar. I suppose that is a big part of my problem, I won't do just anything or allow myself to be treated badly for a buck. There is a word for people that do that, it's whore. I'm not a whore.

Aren't there such things as labor laws in this country? The way they conduct business they must be violating some of those laws. I am going to take this frustration and use it as fuel to find something better. I know there is a lesson here somewhere, I just don't see it yet.

This ongoing situation of trying to find a job that is right for me has taught me one thing. My wonderful husband loves and supports me no matter what I'm going through. I knew that already, but I am being reminded of it daily right now and I'm so grateful for that.

I know he is frustrated with this situation too. He doesn't like to see me so lost, unhappy and stressed, but there is really very little he can do to fix it for me. He does the only thing he can do, he listens, he gives advice when he has some to offer and he provides stress relief for me.

I will continue to explore all the possibilities I can find and leave myself open to something good happening. With Musicman's continued love and support and some divine intervention I know eventually I will find the right place for me.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Monday Musings

Dear Universe,

It's Monday, which always finds me struggling to face the realities of life. The realities that take me outside my home and the mindset I'm so comfortable in. The realities that force me to go to a job I am really beginning to despise. I'm still looking for something more appropriate, but it's slim pickings out there.

The sun is shining and it is supposed to warm up to the mid 60's today. I'm hoping that helps my mood improve. I felt it starting yesterday, the Sunday spiral that always hits me at the end of the weekend. I did my best to not let it overwhelm me and had some small success.

Of course, it would have been easier had Musicman decided to take advantage of the empty house for some play time, but he didn't. The fact that we had plenty of playtime over the last several days had something to do with that. I just always seem to want more than he does.

I'm trying very hard to embrace the positive and not let myself become overwhelmed, but that's not easy for me. My hip has been bothering me since yesterday morning. Musicman has a habit of using me to push himself up and out of bed. I've never cared for that habit, but I never say anything unless he unwittingly hurts me. Yesterday, he hurt me. He planted his hand right on my bad hip and then pushed all his body weight on it, ouch. I heard and felt the crunching in the joint and I'm still feeling the pain today.

I know he did not mean to hurt me, he would never willingly hurt me, but it hurts. It also makes me worry about how much longer it will be before I can no longer go on ignoring the fact that I have something major going on in that hip. Needless to say, I'm not looking forward to 6 hours of sitting at my desk today.

We heard on the news last night that a young co-worker of Musicman's was injured in an accident last night. That and the pain I'm dealing with just serve to point out to me that we all have a finite time here and we need to make the most of it. I don't feel like I am making the most of it right now because I am not following my passion, work takes up too much of my time and I struggle not to resent that.

Give me the strength to get through this week at work without major stress. I continue to leave myself open to all opportunities and sincerely hope I find a way to meet my obligations without resenting the drain on my time.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

YAY!!! FRIDAY!!!

Dear Universe,

It's my favorite day of the week, Friday! The sun is shining and it's even starting to warm up some. That's always a blessing, thank you dear friend :)

We found out yesterday our grandbaby is a girl. I didn't have a preference, but my daughter did. She wanted a girl, so she is quite excited about it. I just keep imagining Musicman with a granddaughter, he's gonna be such a great Grandfather. In my opinion, he's gonna be the sexiest grandfather on the planet, but I might be a little biased.

We have our appointment with the specialist for Musicman, it's six weeks away. I don't know who this doctor is, but once all the info comes in the mail, I will most likely be calling them to see if it can be moved up. In the mean time, we need to call Doc again, the meds he prescribed aren't working.

Musicman's energy is still so low, and he is in quite a bit of pain, that is just not acceptable. Time for the pitbull to chew some ass and gets things done. Hmmm...I wonder if Doc warned the specialist about me? Musicman's doctors tend to do that, warn each other that I'm difficult at best, to deal with.  Of course, I'm not difficult to deal with, as long as they are doing their very best. If they aren't, that's when I become difficult.

I'm happy to say, my shoulder is still where it's supposed to be. The pain has subsided quite a bit, but the neck continues to give me issues. Spending 6 hours a day on a computer with only a 10 minute break has a lot to do with it, I know. There just isn't much option to change that situation right now, but I continue to try.

Musicman, despite the fact that he isn't up to par, continues to help with wonderful massages. The man has serious magic in his hands. I try not to push him too much, but when he tunes out on me is when I begin to struggle. He seems to have tuned back in, that's a very good thing for me.

He does have some things to take care of for some extended family members this weekend, so hopefully that won't use up all his energy. He's just so generous, he won't tell them no, and he won't even tell them he's not doing so well physically. I suppose no one wants others to think they are weak, but really, no one who knows Musicman would ever think that about him. I know I never do, even when I see him struggling so much.

Here's to a quick day at work and a wonderful weekend together, maybe even some playtime.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Friction

Dear Universe,

It's been such an up and down week and it's only Thursday morning. Musicman has been under the weather, which always upsets me. Unfortunately, he doesn't handle seeing me upset all that well. I doubt he realizes that I'm upset because I can't make things better or that the possibility of loosing him scares me. Definitely got some friction going on.

I've been in quite a bit of pain myself, which never helps. I knew that the pain in my shoulder was originating partly in my neck and partly in my shoulder. I suspected that my shoulder may have slipped out of joint. Now, I know that is a fact. Nothing like walking around for a month with your shoulder out of it's socket to cause pain.

I finally get it popped back in on Tuesday night. It's still sore, but it feels much better. The pain coming from my neck is still there, but not as bad. Today I'm dealing with back spasms that I believe are being caused by my shoulder being out for so long.

I've been trying to stretch every evening to loosen things up, cause this probably isn't going away any time soon. I have to sit at a computer for 6 hours a day at work. In that 6 hours I only get a 15 minute break, that is what is causing the aggravation in my neck. I try very hard to sit with good posture, but sitting that long in one spot is hard to do.

Physically, I'm feeling about 110 years old right now. I'm doing what I can to make things better, but it's slow going. Having Musicman under the weather and upset with me isn't helping matters either. I know he doesn't mean to take his bad mood out on me, but he does, and that hurts more than anything.

Give me strength, give me peace, give me one day where the pain subsides, then I will be strong enough to face everything else.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Brutal Day

Dear Universe,

I tried so hard yesterday not to spiral out of control. I embraced the positive which buoyed my spirits some, until I got to work. The amount of cases they have assigned, is not physically possible to complete in the time I have available. That stresses me some.

Musicman tells me not to worry, do what I can and don't worry about the rest. Great advice, if only I could take it. I just can't do any less than my best, when my best isn't good enough, I start to have problems. I know that what they are asking of me is too much, but when I voice that, they don't care.

I don't really care that they don't care. What I do care about is the fact that I need this paycheck. I don't want to jeopardize my family and our home. I heard from co-workers yesterday that the out of town supervisors are coming in this week, possibly today, ugh.

I don't think it is a good idea for me to talk to them. Having done their job before, I am going to find it very difficult not to tell them EXACTLY what I think. Musicman tells me to say whatever I need to say. If I do that, I will probably get fired. To which he says, so what, let them fire you.

I love the fact that he is so supportive. I love that he lets me rant and rave and get it all out. He understands he can't fix this for me, but he always offers words of support and advice. That is a true gift to me. I just don't want to let him down, and if I end up getting fired for running my mouth that is how I would feel.

Of course, I also feel guilty coming home so emotionally and physically exhausted that I can't even make dinner. He never judges or ridicules or is disappointed in me for that, but I am. It's that need I have to be all things to all people. I am trying to change that mindset, but it's just not easy for me. Especially when it's the things I want to do that I can't get done.

Give me strength to get through this day in a better manner then yesterday.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Holiday Weekend

Dear Universe,

It was an odd weekend. The weather was gorgeous, warm and sunny, finally. It didn't last long as the temp has dropped 30 degrees and it's snowing again, but at least we got a little bit of a break. Seeing the sun always makes me feel better.

Musicman was so tired this weekend, he napped both days. I really used to hate when he napped so much, but I have accepted that he needs more sleep than I do. Heck, most people need more sleep than I can accomplish, though it hasn't been too bad lately.

Our son has been arguing with his girlfriend all weekend. The phone calls, the hangups followed by more phone calls. It makes me a little sad for both of them. His girlfriend is a very nice young women and she's in a difficult situation at home. She shouldn't take it out on our son, but I suppose for as young as she is that's normal.

They did finally get past it and he did go to see her last night. Musicman gave him a ride and announced right before leaving the things we would be doing when he got home. Woohoo, let playtime begin!!!!!

As you know, yesterday was a holiday. Holidays are hard for us. They you used to be big boisterous affairs with lots of family. We've lost so many of them over the years and the few that are left don't really connect anymore. That makes me sad, but a friend sent a picture of an egg she decorated for me. That was so sweet, just the pick me up I needed.

I had some news of my brother over the weekend. He was well enough to spend quite a bit of time out doors on Saturday. I'm sure the fresh air and sunshine helped him too. I should be deliriously happy to hear this, but I have my doubts. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy he has this time to be with his family and is well enough to enjoy things.

I just can't get the images out of my head. Those flashes that started as soon as I got the first call. The way so many of them have come true, I know not to ignore the messages that came through. Of course, I've learned the hard way over the years not to ignore them anyway.

I'm not going to talk about the ones that I've seen that have yet to come true. They weren't good news and I don't want to put that out there. I would rather think, that while true, I don't have all the specifics yet. That is the only way I can hang on to hope that he is going to come through this.

Sometimes, seeing these things is very difficult to deal with. If I ever really saw positive things, it would be easier, but that's not usually what comes through for me. I accept that you send me these messages, but I also accept that I don't always get all the information or understand them the way I would like.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower