I need an Angel

Dear Universe,

Another Monday, another day of laundry and cleaning. I should probably not be happy about that, but I am. I actually do enjoy taking care of my house and family. I know that isn't the most popular thing to say these days. Afterall, women are supposed to be equal, women can have it all.

What a crock of shit. I did it all, I had it all. Having it all is not all it's cracked up to be. I never got more then 4 hours of sleep a night for more the 20 years. That is what having it all will do for you, make you too exhausted to enjoy anything. Major burnout will ensue.

I am still looking for a way to supplement our income without havinbg to sacrifice my personal life and interests. So far I have had no major break throughs about how to solve this dilemma. But I will continue to work at it. The paper this weekend only had 1 page of jobs openings. For a city this size that isn't much.

Of all those job listings, there was only one that I was even remotely qualified for. I called the number. It is a job staffing company. All the jobs around here are through these agencies. So far I have found them to be a total waste of time. You call them, they say email us your resume. I email my resume, then don't hear from then again for months. When I do hear it is a rejection letter. Rejected without so much as an interview. Very frustrating.

I know what the problem is. My age. They see the resume, the amount of experience I have, they make a judgement based on that alone. I'm over qualified. I will want too much money. The employer is worried I will have established habits they will need to break. If I could just get past the resume and get a chance to talk to someone. They would then understand what I am about.

Well, I'm frustrated and dejected about the whole situation, but I can't stop trying. I am trying very hard to keep the faith that everything will work out. I'm also trying very hard to find the answer that may be lurking in right in front of my face.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Thinking Out Loud

Dear Universe,

It's been a busy week of getting caught up from being sick. Things are starting to settle down with the boychild. That makes me feel some better too.

Unfortunately Mr. has been having some health issues again. Those stupid Dr.'s put him back on the med that was messing with him so bad. It hasn't even been a week and he is sick again. He stopped taking it and has decided he is not going to take it anymore. I'm relieved about that. I don't think he really needs it. It is just routinely prescribed for people with his surgical history. He will be having some blood work done soon, if the tests show a problem then they can find another med to try.

I am also starting to really feel the pinch of getting a job. It is so frustrating, there are no jobs to be had. Businesses are closing everday. There are about 1/4 of the jobs available compared to the people looking.  Since I am middle aged, female and trying to break into a new field it has been almost impossible to even get an interview.

The worst part about it all is I don't want a job. I know I am supposed to be a liberated woman. I'm supposed to want it all. I don't. I had it all and was too tired to even appreciate or enjoy any of it. I am now very happy just being a housewife. I have several interests I want to pursue, but none of them are money making things. That would be the other issue.

I don't like money, I have no need to have endless amounts of money. Sure, having money makes life easier, but I know from first hand experience it doesn't make you happy. Mr. would be more then happy to let me stay home and take care of him, if we could survive on just his income. Neither of us really believes that is possible though. Maybe if the boychild were already out of the house and on his own it would be doable.

I just don't know what I am going to do. I do know that being upset and crying about it isn't solving anything. Anytime you want to give me an idea, suggestion or answer just speak up. I'm open to your answers, you know that.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Nor'easter

Dear Universe,

So much on my mind today. We did have a lovely weekend with only one very minor incident. It could have just been the Sunday Night Blues. When you have such a busy life of working and family and home you tend to live for the weekends. The anticipation of the end of the weekend causes the Sunday Blues.

The boy is still giving me issues. He has backed off some on the in my face bullying, but the sneaky stuff is getting worse. I caught him walking out of my bedroom yesterday with some of my smokes in his hand. I questioned him, he denied doing anything. I don't understand how he can look right at me and lie to me. He knows I know he is lying and he just doesn't care. He wants something from me and he is going to do everything he can to make me miserable until he gets what he wants.

Mr. is not as good as I would like in supporting me in this. But then again, it has to be hard for him. He must feel like he has to choose between his wife and his child. That doesn't seem fair to put him in that position. I guess because I know what my choice would be I think it should be an easy one for him. It's times like this that the differences in the way we were raised really shows itself.

I was sick all day yesterday. I was running a fever, fuzzy headed, no energy at all. I could barely get out of bed. When I did get up I did just what was absolutely necessary and then went back to bed. I did get a meal on the table for Mr., but it was nothing specatacular. Mr. would say spectacular isn't always necessary anyway. He was sweet and attentive last night, but there really wasn't much he could do to make me feel better.

I feel some better today, still a little warm and not a ton of energy, but getting some tusff accomplished. I'm playing catch up, trying to get laundry finished. The bedroom has been picked up, but the kitchen still needs some attention. I moving slow and resting quite a bit. I am thinking it could be my hormones are some off too. I'm feeling a little weepy and I don't really have any reason too. This dang Nor'easter blowing through isn't helping much either. Oh well, this too shall pass.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Odd Day

Dear Universe,

What an odd day today has been. I had jury duty today. I spent 4 hours waiting at the court house, filling out questionaires and answering questions. Then they dismissed me. Guess they didn't think I would make a good juror. That's okay, cause it was a murder trial and I really don't want to be the one to decide someone is going away for life. He was a young man too, so that would have made it harder to make a decision.

Things are still not great with dealing with the boy. He is such a bully. Only it's just me he bullies. Mr. finally talked to him about it. The boy would never get away with treating his father the way he treats me. And, he is very careful about not being that way around his dad.

I'm still somewhat disappointed that it took me asking twice before Mr. did anything. If it were anyone else treating me that way he would have their heads on a platter. I know it is partly because it is his kid too. But, kids grow up, they move away. Mr. really needs to remember that sometimes. If he alienates me and I run then he is gonna be in a world of hurt. He would not survive very long without me and he knows that.

We are coming up on another weekend and the weather is supposed to be cold again. That means another weekend sitting around inside the house. I have tons of stuff to get done outside and want to be out in the sunshine. The sunshine always helps me feel so much better.

One good thing about it being the weekend and cold weather we may get some time to play. Keep your fingers crossed for me, you know playtime always makes me feel better.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

I Need Some Help

Dear Universe,

I really need some help today. I am struggling and trying hard not to spiral out of control. I am having those thoughts again. The thoughts that tell me to RUN. Run far, run fast and don't tell any one where you are going.

I'm just so tired of always feeling like I am the only one making an effort. I had such a bad day with the boy yesterday. I really needed Mr. to have my back on this. That isn't too much to ask, it's his kid too. He didn't though. He barely addressed the issue with the boy and even though he asked me if I was alright when I told him no, he did nothing to help me.

I fail to understand how I could have his back always, seeing to his every need and he does nothing. I'm trying not to be resentful and I'm trying very hard to find a reason why he is like this. It's not working.

I am also about ready to give up trying to see things from his side. I'm done trying to make excuses for him and his behavior. I have told him so many times what I need from him and he still doesn't step up. I'm tired of always being the strong one. How many times do I have to tell him I'm not that strong anymore? What is it going to take for him to finally GET this?

I think the real problem is he does get it and isn't stepping up because he doesn't want to. He wants me to be as strong as I used to be. He wants to just ignore the fact that in trying to keep up with everything and take care of everyone I failed. I broke. I made a mess of my life.

I'm trying as hard as I can to put that life back together, but in somethings I can't go backwards, I have to go forward. The parts of my life that didn't work I have let go of. That helped some. The problem with that is the part that isn't working well right now involves him. Do I let go of a 25+ year marriage? Do I just walk away and not look back. I don't want to do that, but I am very tired of feeling like I am the only one working at it. And I'm tired of begging him to make an effort. He doesn't even seem to realize how hard that is for me. I don't beg anyone for anything. I want to run, fast and far.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Teenager Issues

Dear Universe,

Would it be too much to ask you speed up time. I just need to skip the next year and a half. Then the boy will be legal and no longer my problem. Yes I know I will never stop being his mother, but at least in the eyes of the legal and educational systems I will not be held resposible for his behavior.

He has missed his curfew 3 of the last 4 nights and he doesn't see a problem with it. He thinks they won't come after him. They probably won't, but they could. He doesn't think they will hold us responsible, but they will.

I tried to explain all this to him and it quickly degenerated in to a fight. it always does when I don't cave and give him his way. He has no ability to see that I have responsibilites other then just him and his needs. He got pissy with me becuase I wouldn't do something he wanted done immediately.

I told him I would not do it today because I wanted to discuss it with his father first. He doesn't see why I need to do that. Hello, the kid knows I do not make these kinds of decisions without consulting his father first. He says he is not a kid, but he doesn't even understand the basic concept of respect and responsibility.

He thinks he is being responsible as long as he is doing the bare minimum of what is required of him. If he thinks something is stupid or unimportant to him then everyone else should just fall in line with him. I tried so hard to stay calm and patiently explain things to him, it didn't work.

He also doesn't seem to get the fact that with his history of lying to his father and I why we don't believe him or trust him. The kid robbed us for god's sake. We have to keep everything of value locked up or he takes it. He seems to think he entitled to it. I don't understand this concept. We did not teach him that. Quite the opposite as a matter of fact. We have always stressed the need to get a good education, we have made available the best schools and as many experiences as we could. He takes advantage of none of it.

As for the legal problems, well, who intentionally raises their kid to be a delinquent? Not us, we are law abiding citizens and are terribly disappointed with his actions. Still we have been supportive and encouraging in trying to get him to step up and face his actions. He thinks he has even though he has continuously broken several basic rules of his probation. He thinks those are stupid rules so he is just going to ignore them. How do explain to a kid that that won't work out well. He gets mad if I even say that I have more life experience then he does and am a little more qualified to judge then he is. I'm at my wits end with him and just don't know what else to do.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Being a Mom is Heartbreaking

Dear Universe,

What a great weekend we had. Mr was feeling good and we had lots of time to just be together. Time to just be. The weather is teasing us with some unexpected warmth so we spent some time outside. Being in nature is so invigorating.

It was also a good time to get some things done outside. This past winter was very mild but we still have lots of outside work to do. The pool cover needs drained. The leaves need raked. Plants need to be acquired and planted. House trim needs painted. Patio needs cleaned and furniture needs brought out.  Windchimes need brought outside and hung.

Mother Nature is teasing us, it is going to get cold again in just a few days. Storms are coming, high winds wreak havoc on patio furniture and wind chimes. Guess I will just enjoy when I can and practice patience for awhile longer yet.

The down side to the weekend was the boy. I love him dearly, but, sometimes I don't like his behavior at all. He knows he is supposed to be home at a certain time. That curfew was imposed by the state as a consequence of his illegal activities with the tagging. He had been doing so well with it. Not anymore.

Friday night he never came home, we didn't see or hear from him until the next morning. Questioning him is a huge exercise in frustration. He never says anything of import. He was with friends. He knows he missed his call to his PO. He is prepared for the consequences if he gets caught violating probation. So he says, guess we will see as he also didn't come home unitl the wee hours Saturday night.

He answered no questions about that either. I suspect he was either drunk or on stoned and probably got sick and soiled himself. I saw suspicious evidence of it in the bathroom. When I mentioned it, he denied it then went and voluntarily cleaned the evidence from the bathroom. He also voluntarily cleaned his bedroom and several of my towels are now missing. Very, very suspicious behaviour. Something occurred, he just won't admit it. It is going to be a long summer with him. It breaks my heart to see him make these mistakes.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Prepping for the Weekend

Dear Universe,

I feel the energy settling some today. Fridays it usually builds in expectation of the weekend. I think that is why I have been struggling so much on  the weekends. Mr. finally has 2 days off and I want to have fun. I spend all day getting chores done so they won't interfere with anything. Then Mr. usually is too tired to do much and disappoinment sets in.

I stayed busy and got stuff done so we can have a comfortable weekend. But, since I don't know yet if Mr. is working tomorrow or not I haven't gotten my hopes too high. It can be hard sometimes, being so optimistic, enjoying life so much, the disappoinments are hard. I wish I handled it better.

I am feeling a little more hopeful about the project that Mr. and I have engaged in. I feel like I have made a major breakthrough. Mr. said some things that really made me see things more clearly. It gave some idea how to proceed from here, that gives me hope. Now I just have to decide how best to convey which way next. Sometimes writing about it is the best way, but this a little too personal to write about.

That means I should probably talk to him, but that can be difficult too. We have had such a good relationship throughout the years and the last thing I wanted was to ruin it. I don't think I really am ruining it, just hitting some rough spots. Thank goodness though that we always seem to make it throught he rough spots and things improve for them.

I think maybe as hard as it may be to talk about that is really what is needed now, so wish me luck. Let me find the words to say what needs to be said in a way he will understand.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Why?

Dear Universe,

Why did you bless me with hormones?
Why did you give me such strong emotions?
Why did you give me such a deep well of thoughts?

Why is the climb up the mountain so hard?

Why does pain feel so good sometimes?

Why is the truth so easy to give, yet so hard to receive?

Why do I have so many dark, dark places in my mind?
Why do I constantly seek the light?
Why can't I be comfortable in the dark?

Why don't we embrace the dark?
Why do we place limits?

Why do I  seek to define the unknown?
Why have I spent my whole life striving to learn and continue to know nothing?

Why can't the easy way be the right way?
Why can't this be enough?

Why can't we rest here awhile?
Why can't we float on calm waters and feel the sunshine bathing our skin?
Why can't we languish in blatant carnal delight?

Why can't I let go of worry and doubt?

Why did you make me a woman?

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Full Moon Fever

Dear Universe,

It has been an exhausting few days, my energy has been quite low. Maybe it is the full moon, I'm not sure, I just know I haven't been too motivated to do much. I didn't get out of bed until mid afternoon the other day.

Things are a little better today. The boy is back in school after having a week and a half off for spring break. I love my son, but he is a challenging teenager to say the least. Having him home for extended amounts of time can be stressful

Mr. is doing so much better, it's encouraging but I am trying to be cautious. We have had so many set backs with his recovery. Every time I think we are making some solid progress he has a set back, so frustrating. I'm trying to be supportive and encouraging without expecting too much.

Work has been pressuring him to start back working 6 days a week. I don't want him to do it and he doesn't really want to do it. But, given the economy and the fact that I still can't find a job he isn't going to be able to stall them for long.

The job front for me is too bleak to even mention. It is a daily exercise in frustration and will bring me down faster then just about anything else.

The weather has turned cold and wet, that just makes all the aches and pains flair. I really don't need anymore reminders that my body isn't that of a 22 year old anymore. Especially when my mind thinks it is.

I really just need the sun to come. I need my husband to continue to make positive progress with his recovery. We need some time and the oppurtunity to get away from it all and just play. If I ask nicely can I please have that?

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Happy Birthday

Dear Universe,

Today is a special day, it's my daughter's birthday. I can't believe I'm a mother to a 22 year old.  I can't believe I'm a mother to a daughter. As you know I never wanted to be a mom, until I did. Fickle, I know. I also never wanted a daughter. I even married a man whose family is mostly males. I guess I got lucky in having one of three girls born in four generations.

Of course you know I never wanted a girl because I was such a horrible child, I never wanted to take the chance of having a daughter just like me. I'm happy to say she is nothing like me. She doesn't look like me, she doesn't have my personality, not even a hint. No, she is most definitely her father's daughter. That's a good thing.

I've gotten used to the unusual haircolors, currently she is sporting pink. I've somewhat gotten used to the face piercings, though I still don't like them. I love her tattoo's, but I love tatt's in general. I love her.

She has had her struggles and that breaks my heart, but she seems to be making some smarter choices lately. She finally left that jerk she has been kowtowing to for the last 6 years. While we did tell her she could come back home if she needed to when she left him, she did not come home. I'm grateful for that, we get along much better when we don't live together.

She is in a bit of a tough situation though. She is living with a guy who she has been friends with since highschool. They are platonic, but I don't know if it will stay that way. She is also dating someone new. I'd be happy for her except for the fact that the other guy has a girlfriend. Yeah, he is cheating and our daughter is the other woman. Not something I think is a good idea, but at 22 they just don't listen much.

She is finally making some progress moving forward with her life plans. It will be so much easier now that she is free of the jerk. He was such a negative influence, did not support her or her ambitions in any way. I'm so grateful that she got tired of that and made changes while she still could. I'd love to be a grandmother, but a child with him would have been a disaster. Besides, she's just not ready yet to be a parent. I get that, at 22 she has a lot of time yet before she needs to worry about it. I'll be patient, I can wait. I really just want her to be happy and I accepted a long time ago that her idea of happiness may not be mine. That's okay. She's making steps towards what will make her happy and really what more could a mother ask for?

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Easter Holiday

Dear Universe,

Feeling pretty good today. Yesterday's procedure for Mr. went well. Better then I expected actually. I'm usually a pretty optimistic gal, but with all the recent set backs from his surgery it has been a bit tough. I get my hopes up that things will go well and then when they don't I'm crushed.

I went into yesterday with a very clear idea of all the possible complications that could occurr and was as prepared as I could be to deal with them. There were none, yay, happy surprise. It is starting to make me believe we might actually have gotten over the hump. Maybe the set backs are done ane we will make some solid forward progress.

Sunday is Easter, we have yet to celebrate any holidays since Thanksgiving. He barely made it home from the hospital in time for Christmas and I was just so grateful he was home that I didn't need anything else.

Holidays used to be all about family. Mr. had a very large, loving family. We always had so much fun getting together and celebrating with all of them. But so many have passed away now that we have no one left to celebrate with.

I used to love hiding the eggs for the kids to find. Though it seems like every year I would forget where one was hidden and it would take hours to find it. The kids are grown now, if I hid eggs they wouldn't bother to look for them,  and they would laugh at me for suggesting it. Oh well, guess I wait till grandkids are in the picture.

We are not church goers so we won't be doing that. It promises to be a quiet weekend with just the two of us. Not a problem since I love to spend quiet weekends with Mr. In fact this maybe the last full weekend we get together as work is pressuring him to start working 6 days a week again. That pisses me off. It hasn't even been 4 months since his surgery, he isn't supposed to be back at work for another couple months yet.

But he is a strong man and has been back at work for a month and a half now, but only 5 days a week. Granted those are 10 hour days, you would think they would be happy with that. Not so much, they are pushing him to go to 6 days. I know him pretty well, if they keep pushing he will do it soon.  And he will be exhausted for a while, which means back seat for me again. Oh what's a woman to do? I hate it when life intrudes.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Another Procedure

Dear Universe,

Too tired to post yesterday, the insomnia is back and I got almost no sleep the night before. Sigh! It's never going to go away.

I did however sleep better last night, despite the fact that the boy never came home. So much for being on probation and having a curfew. I was prepared to call his PO this morning but he managed to get home before she was in her office.

I know he is a teenager and is supposed to be pushing the limits, but really, hasn't he pushed hard enough already?  Was one night in jail and a year in the legal system not enough for him to learn?  When do they reach an age that lets them stop to consider other people occassionally? I'm afraid he is going to reach legal age and be out of the house before that happens. I just hope that Mr. and I survive it.

Mr. has his procedure today, neither one of us is looking forward to it. We are looking forward to having it done and over with, just not going through it. I'm hoping against hope that the predicted complications do not occur and that he will do okay with it.

Maybe, just maybe after this is done he will start to make significant progress in regaining some of his energy again. He does have another Dr. appointment in a few weeks so if he isn't significantly better by then we might finally be able to get something done.

I was looking up the side effects of the med in question we think is causing the problems. he has upwards of 20+ side effects, yet the Dr. doesn't want to take him off it. By the time he has his next appointment it will have been 4 months. I think that is a reasonable amount of time to say the benefits do not out weigh the side effects.

I really don't understand why they are pushing this med so hard. There are plenty of other meds they could try. Of course I also realize that I have a vested interest in his health and I push hard to make sure he gets top quality treatment. I'm not feeling like this is top quality right now, but maybe it will get better soon. Here's hoping anyway.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Stormy Weather

Dear Universe,

We had a good weekend, low key doing errands and just spending time together. Mr. was feeling good, I was feeling good and everything was lovely.

Unforunately that only lasted for the weekend. Yesterday I started spiralling early, I fought it all day long. It had been such a good weekend, there was no reason for the spiralling. I did wonder several times throughout the day how Mr. was doing. When he struggles I struggle, that's just the way it is.

As soon as he walked in the door I had my answer. He had been struggling all day with fatigue and I think depression. The doctors told us that he may experience depression, he had not been having a problem with it, but I think his frustration level has gotten so high that he is now struggling with it a little bit.

He continues to have this up and down cycle with his energy levels. At  3 1/2 months post surgery that's probably not too unusual. It still frustrates him though. We continue to search for an answer to this cyclical illness he has been experiencing. The test we had done last week was negative, that's both good and bad.

It's good because he won't have to have another procedure. It's bad because we still don't know what's causing it and therefore we can't stop it. I still think it may be a medication issue even if the doctors don't agree. He has an appt in a few weeks for a check up and I'm hoping he will have an in depth conversation with the doctor about it. Maybe then they will consider changing the med in question.

He has a procedure coming up this Thursday that should be simple and routine. For so many reasons there will most likely be nothing either simple or routine about it. But, since I believe forwarned is forearmed I'm trying to be well prepared for any eventuality. I'd rather be prepared for something that doesn't happen then not be prepared for something that does.