I Need Some Help

Dear Universe,

I really need some help today. I am struggling and trying hard not to spiral out of control. I am having those thoughts again. The thoughts that tell me to RUN. Run far, run fast and don't tell any one where you are going.

I'm just so tired of always feeling like I am the only one making an effort. I had such a bad day with the boy yesterday. I really needed Mr. to have my back on this. That isn't too much to ask, it's his kid too. He didn't though. He barely addressed the issue with the boy and even though he asked me if I was alright when I told him no, he did nothing to help me.

I fail to understand how I could have his back always, seeing to his every need and he does nothing. I'm trying not to be resentful and I'm trying very hard to find a reason why he is like this. It's not working.

I am also about ready to give up trying to see things from his side. I'm done trying to make excuses for him and his behavior. I have told him so many times what I need from him and he still doesn't step up. I'm tired of always being the strong one. How many times do I have to tell him I'm not that strong anymore? What is it going to take for him to finally GET this?

I think the real problem is he does get it and isn't stepping up because he doesn't want to. He wants me to be as strong as I used to be. He wants to just ignore the fact that in trying to keep up with everything and take care of everyone I failed. I broke. I made a mess of my life.

I'm trying as hard as I can to put that life back together, but in somethings I can't go backwards, I have to go forward. The parts of my life that didn't work I have let go of. That helped some. The problem with that is the part that isn't working well right now involves him. Do I let go of a 25+ year marriage? Do I just walk away and not look back. I don't want to do that, but I am very tired of feeling like I am the only one working at it. And I'm tired of begging him to make an effort. He doesn't even seem to realize how hard that is for me. I don't beg anyone for anything. I want to run, fast and far.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower