I Can't Promise

Dear Universe,

Yanno?

This is the place I come to dump my thoughts.

I'm in desperate need tonight.

Work sucked big time today.

My arm was numb when I arrived.

It's what I've come to think of as, "mouse arm". It's a repeated use injury. I'm doing my best to alleviate it, but there doesn't seem to be any longterm relief in sight.

Musicman helps as much as he can, he gives great massages.

It's a temporary fix at best.

I'll totally take that.

This was a day of struggle and strife.

They are so stupid, so unprofessional, so discourteous.

When did common courtesy go by the wayside?

I don't deal well with being disrespected, treated as a second class citizen. I don't treat people that way and I will no longer accept that kind of treatment in return. I guess they still haven't quite figured that out about me.

They are learning, slowly.

I'm struggling some, because, in a way, I've been here before. I've done this job, I see the mistakes they are making.

I could help them.

I could make things better.

I'm not  that committed.

I don't want to devote that much time.

That is not who I wish to be.

I will try to leave myself open to opportunities.

I can't promise any more than that.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Boring is Good

Dear Universe,

It's Friday again, that always makes me happy. I'm definitely looking forward to the weekend. The weather is supposed to get warm and maybe we'll even get to see some sun. The sun poked it's head through the clouds last evening long enough to give us a gorgeous sunset.

It's Easter this weekend, but that doesn't mean anything out of the norm for us. We aren't so good at holidays anymore. We've lost so much family that they feel just like any other day. That will change soon, holidays are so much more fun with a baby around.

I think we have major chores around the house to get done, Musicman more then me really. I will have my usual laundry and housework, but there are some major repairs for him to do. He was funny last night. He found me cleaning the kitchen at about 9:00. He said it confuses him when I just disappear and when he comes looking, I'm scrubbing something.

I think he has become a little spoiled. For the past few years I took care of all this stuff while he was at work. He seems to have forgotten that it doesn't do itself. Why else would he always act so surprised to find me doing housework? It makes me wonder who he thinks is doing it. Silly man.

I don't want to wish my life away, but I hope work goes quickly today. I'm tired and sore and really don't feel much like working. I expect most people feel that way by the end of the week. Oh well, I guess I should just be grateful I have a job, they aren't easy to come by these days.

Maybe I will bake something this weekend. A treat for my sweetie. He's got a wicked sweet tooth and it's been awhile since I made anything for him. Things have been too hectic, but they are starting to settle down some. Time to get back into a more normal routine. Normal is boring, but I don't mind boring, it gives me time to take a breath.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

My Mind Overflows

Dear Universe,

So much on my mind today. It's STILL snowing. Can't you make it stop, please? At this rate, I'm never gonna get to wear the the pretty new shoes and dresses I've been acquiring.

Work was a drudge yesterday. I'm seriously gonna crawl through the computer lines and strangle that bitch in NYC if she doesn't back off. The onsite supervisors are smart enough to leave me alone and let me do my thing, but not her. She has the ability to totally tick me off via email. She sent me 10 emails on one case yesterday, all because her assistant didn't follow through the way she should have.

The good thing is if I figure out how to get to her the onsite supervisors have not only given me permission to strangle her, they have requested I hit her once for them. They have told me they know, I know what I'm doing and they don't worry about my work. That's always nice to hear. Of course they have so many others that are still learning that they are most likely grateful to have someone that doesn't need constant attention.

They are having a potluck lunch tomorrow. I haven't decided if I am gonna participate yet or not. I probably should, play nice and all that happy crap, yanno. I just really don't feel like it. Everyone is nice enough and I'm starting to be more comfortable in the less then professional environment. I'm just not all that committed to this place and I'm okay with that. I'm not interested in getting to know them all that much. I can't imagine ever seeing any of them outside of work, so why pretend I want to be their friends?

On another note, our daughter moved out while I was at work yesterday. She left a lot of her stuff here and she kept her house key. She sent me a message saying she would be hanging out here on days she has appointments. She moved out of the city, about an hours drive away, but her boyfriend is working here in the city. On days she has appointments, she will come in town with him in the mornings, then go to her appointments and then come back here till he picks her up at the end of the day.

I was actually going to suggest she do just that. That means we will still get to see her and see first hand how she is doing. I'm still not convinced that she is in a stable place, but I'm trying to remember that she is an adult and has her own journey to take and her own lessons to learn.

We find out next week, Thursday I think, if she's having a boy or a girl. Once we know, I do believe I'm gonna dust off my crotchet hooks and make a blanket or two for the baby. I've never tried to make anything as complicated as booties or hats, but maybe I'll look for some instructions and give it a try.

We did finally get some private time last night. Our son stayed at his girlfriend's house. I had a feeling he would, cause she stayed here the night before. That occurred against my wishes. He asked if she could, I told him no. They both know I don't approve or condone that. He did it anyway and I didn't find out until I heard her leaving early yesterday morning.

He has been following the rules pretty well since he came back home. I admit, I wondered how long that would last. Now I know, not very long.

We got some good news from the south too. My brother has been stable. He is finally able to eat a little bit orally, though he is still loosing weight. He hasn't had to many bad side effects from the chemo treatments, which is wonderful news. I don't know if they have done any tests to see if the tumors are shrinking yet. I have asked, but my SIL kinda just gives me the info she feels like sharing. She is bipolar and I worry about her not having enough support,  even though I ask how she's doing she usually blows those questions off.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Getting Moving

Dear Universe,

It's hump day, yay. I'm feeling really good today, if a little bit sore. I needed to get my big butt moving and get some of the winter weight off. I'm not a big eater to begin with so restricting calorie intake doesn't help me much. The only thing that really helps is getting moving, another lovely side effect of menopause.

I started on the treadmill again this week. I've been up and on it by 7:30 every morning. It is definitely helping my back loosen up, which is wonderful. My hips and legs are screaming at me, but if it helps me slim back down I'll live with it.

I have started keeping a weigh in log too. That helps keep me on track. I have a goal in mind and seeing the progress in black and white is very helpful to me. If I can lose 20 pounds I will be back where I was last summer. I was happy at that weight, but am hoping to lose 40 pounds this time.

I know it is time to stop when Musicman starts telling me not to lose any more weight. Isn't that truly music to any woman's ears? A man saying you are the perfect size and he doesn't want you getting any skinnier? He makes me laugh, cause he always says he doesn't want me to lose my butt. I have a bubble butt. I have been heard to say my butt exits a room ten minutes after I do. The fact that he likes it so much has gone a long way in changing how I feel about it.

We thought for a second we were going to get some private time last night. Our daughter left just as we were getting home so Musicman offered to give our son a ride to his girlfriend's house. No go though, he wasn't feeling well and didn't want to go out. What does it take to catch a break with these two?

Of course, I had to be a tease anyway. I usually change clothes as soon as I come home from work. Last night I waited until he was ready to go up and change and went with him. I removed my skirt first and then my sweater. I guess the fact that I was walking around in OTK socks and lace panties insired him. A fly by spanking did occur. Hey, a girls' gotta do what a girl's gotta do. The socks get him every time, they are magical.

I thought I had decided what I was gonna do about my other blog, about being faerie. As you know, I still want to give her a voice, but it seems things are changing. I thought when I was ready to give her her voice back I would just go back and post occasionally. Now, people are starting to find me here and since I had to have my faerie pics it is pretty easy to figure out that I am faerie. Maybe there is a way to link the two blogs.

I have to give this more thought. I can't imagine too many people are interested in the day to day goings on I write about here, but do I want to keep two seperate blogs or do I want to write about everything here. I so love my faerie persona I can't give her up. Definitely needs more thought.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Great News

Dear Universe,

Great news! Our daughter finally got her GED. I've only been pushing her to do that for 5 years now. She is such an intelligent young girl, it broke my heart when she quit school. I'm so proud of her, it's definitely a step in the right direction.

She has also said she found a place to live and might be moving out soon. I'm not gonna hold my breath on that one. I'd like to see her settled in her own place, she'd be so much happier. I just really want her to find a stable place so that she can be ready when the baby comes. I'm not so sure the place she found is the ideal situation, and I fear even if she does move out, she will be back before too long.

Having her living on her own would be one step closer to us having our empty nest back. That would be so nice. We could have had some private time last night since our son went out for the evening, but our daughter was home. This is starting to get quite ridiculous that we can't seem to get them coordinated enough to both be gone at the same time.

I have been really considering starting to write as faerie again. I have started reading and commenting on some of my friends blogs recently. Sorta dabbling my toe back in the waters of submission so to speak. Friends have been very encouraging when I leave comments and through email.

Something is holding me back though and I'm not quite sure what it is. Fear maybe. Fear that I will dive back into that mindset and then have to abandon it again. I couldn't handle that. I so enjoy that mindset, it's such a comfortable place for me. I'm happy being her cause she was never damaged and can feel true joy. I want that again.

I want to continue exploring that lifestyle. I do feel as if we have lost some ground. Heck, we picked up something this weekend that according to blogland is a very effective and quiet implement. I haven't even mentioned that fact to Musicman. I don't know if he has even considered using it as an implement. I don't think he looks at things with a spanko eye the way I do, so it may not have occurred to him.

Some of the reason we have lost ground is the lack of privacy, but some of it is because I just refuse to allow myself to go there. I miss it, I want to go back, I want to be her again. And yet, I just don't feel ready. If I could figure out exactly what was preventing me from embracing it again, I could move forward.

The odd thing about leaving it all behind is the only thing that has really changed is the way I feel and the way I think about myself. It hasn't changed the way I interact with Musicman too much. Of course, starting into the lifestyle didn't really change much about how we interacted on a daily basis anyway. I was already submissive in our daily lives, at least as much as he wanted me to be.

I know the reasons for that. It was easy to let him be the leader. He wasn't damaged, he knew what a normal, loving home was like and I felt he could show me how to have it too. I was right about that, and I've never regretted deferring to him. I'm not always happy with his decisions, but I always know he has a good reason. I've also always known that he was open to discussing anything I didn't agree with. There have been plenty of times when after those discussions he has changed his mind too. He's not a dictator, he is a wonderful leader.

I think too that part of the problem is the time commitment. Writing a popular blog that gets a lot of comments is time consuming. I enjoy the interaction with my commenters and always answer all of them. Of course, it's not blogland that makes me feel the pressure. It's not like I have to answer the comments at any given time. I just feel guilty taking time for myself.

I know I shouldn't feel that way. I know I deserve to have interests and hobbies of my own.  I've just never been very good at taking care of myself. I'm great at taking care of others, myself, not so much. I think too, that I still have it tucked away in the back of mind that Musicman could make me start it again. That's a silly thought, he would never do that, it's really just my longing for his dominance that still nurtures that thought.

I've definitely got some more thinking to do before I make the leap back into being faerie.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Pretty Panties

Dear Universe,

Thank you for the lovely weekend. It didn't get warm, just about made it up to freezing, but the snow stopped and the sun came out. That always helps.

Musicman and I had a nice weekend together. I could have wished for a bit more playtime, but I always want more playtime. What time we did have together was pretty fabulous, even if I did have to stuff a pillow in my mouth to stifle the screams.

Musicman has been joking lately, saying we need to get the kids some noise cancelling ear phones. He likes it when I get loud. He likes it even more when he is in total control of my body and wrings more from me then I ever thought I could give. I guess it's true what they say about 50 being the new thirty and sex getting better with age. It sure has.

We also had a wonderful time doing vanilla things too. We did some shopping, checked out some indoor flea markets and junk stores. One of my favorite activities, I do so love getting a good deal. We were up and out early and got to most of the stores as soon as they opened. We beat the crowds and had time to stroll around looking at any thing and everything together.

Some of the things we saw were a stroll down memory lane. Others sparked thoughts of the future and how we would ideally like things to be. Ahhh, it's always good to have goals. I got some amazing deals on some dresses and tanks. I do love a beautiful sundress, or a long flowing skirt with a cami style tank.

I love my femininity and enjoy accentuating it. I wear dresses most days. I find them comfy cozy, and Musicman likes them too. His is a touchy feely kinda guy and enjoys the softness. I like being able to bring that softness into his life. I especially like when he lets his hands roam under and up beneath the skirts for random swats and feels. Even after all these years it makes me giggle.

I also bought some new undies. Pretty panties are a girl's best friend after all. I've never been a big undie wearer, preferring to go commando. That's what Musicman prefers, and I do like to please my man. Since I have to work all week I have to wear them, so they might as well be pretty ones. These are, they are all lace in the brightest colors. I think Musicman will like them even though he prefers me not to wear them.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Six Hours

Dear Universe,

It's Friday, yay!!!

Just six hours of work and then freedom for two whole days. Of course there will be errands and chores to do, but I don't mind that at all. I enjoy getting up and out on Saturdays and getting the errands done. There's just something so satisfying about taking care of my family and it gives me time with Musicman. I always look forward to that, I'm a tad bit addicted to the man.

I'm definitely hoping for some privacy tonight, playtime would be nice. We have had several encounters this week, but I'm not exactly the quiet type. Having the chance to play without having to be quiet is always the best way to play. We almost had the chance last night, our son called to say he was staying at his girlfriend's house. Unfortunately 5 minutes later, our daughter came home.

I really need to talk to those two and encourage them to get their schedules in sync a bit better. They would probably be mortified to hear their father and I would like some time alone, but they are adults, I think they can handle hearing it. Of course I won't be providing specifics, that they don't need to hear.

Maybe, just maybe, I will be inspired to write a post for faerie. Just maybe though, I'm still not sure I'm ready to return to it, even though I admit to missing it so much. I find it inspiring and fulfilling to write in such a positive manner, a celebration almost, of a truly beautiful connection.

It's still snowing here, so snuggling up together, watching movies and playtime are the perfect weekend agenda. It's starting to feel like Spring is never gonna get here. Maybe it will be one of those years that goes straight from Winter to Summer. That's not too unusual for life here on the lake shore.

My mood continues to stay stable, most likely because things haven't been too stressful this week. The kids are not causing issues other than the lack of privacy. I'm starting to feel more comfortable at work. Most importantly, Musicman is having a great week health wise. He's had a lot of energy, which he's been sadly lacking of late. Understandable considering his health issues, he so strong, but he's not indestructible. It's just been so nice for him to have enough energy for work commitments and still have some energy at the end of the day for me.

He has been giving me massages almost every night and the pain in my shoulder that has been plaguing me is finally starting to feel better. Getting older is not for the weak or faint of heart.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Gratitude

Dear Universe,

More snow over night, the light, fluffy, pretty kind. So pretty to look at, not as much fun to drive in.  Musicman(aka Mr.) always makes sure I have a good car with good tires, so driving in the snow isn't all that bad.

I'm trying to invite more positive energy into my life and am feeling the need to practice gratitude. I have so many things to be grateful for.

Musicman, yes, I miss referring to him as Musicman. I may not exactly know who I am at times, but I always know who he is. He is my Musicman, the man who saved me from a terrible life. The man who loves me even when he doesn't really understand me. The man who has always said, "I just want you to be happy," and he sincerely means that. Everyone should have a Musicman in their life. He is the most amazing person I know and he's all mine. I'm very grateful for that.

My beautiful, talented, daughter and the grand baby she's carrying. No, I'm not thrilled that she isn't doing it the "right" way. I wish she was married and more stable before she becomes a Mom.  I just know how much harder it will be for her with out a strong partner to help her. It's important that I remember this is her journey, not mine. I'm grateful to be here and be able to offer her the support she needs. I'm grateful that within just a few short months there will be a new little one to love, and I'm looking forward to seeing Musicman as a Grandpa. He's gonna be awesome.

My smart, if challenging son. He hasn't lived up to his potential, and been more of a challenge than I would have liked sometimes, but he's so much like me. He doesn't let people push him around, he is a unique soul. He is a leader who needs the chance to find his voice. I see so many qualities in him from his father, he will be a fine man with lots to offer the world.

My home, it may be too large for me to keep up with now, but it has been a haven from the world for us. It was a perfect place to raise our kids and soon will have the laughter of babies in it again. It's not a showplace, it's not perfect, but it's filled with love.

My job, I may not love it, but it really is what I asked for. A way to utilize my experience and knowledge from my time as a caregiver without all the stress. No one dies or becomes sicker if I don't get it all done immediately and perfectly. The atmosphere is different, one I'm still adjusting too, but I can be me there and I don't have to play any games or kiss any one's butt to to survive.

My friends, both in real life and those I've met here through my writing. Their love and support has meant so much to me. I've found people who understand me and while they may not be exactly like me, or facing the challenges I face, they still welcome me with open arms. They may being experiencing their own challenges and struggles, yet they still take a moment to reach out with a hug or kind word. That's priceless and I'm so grateful for them.

Yes, today is a good day to practice gratitude. Maybe next time I am caught in the downward spiral I will remember this post and come back and read it and remember how much I have to be grateful for.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Spring between the Snowflakes

Dear Universe,

It's the first day of spring and I see the sun peaking out, yay. Unfortunately, it's cold and snowy too. Such is life on the lake shore.

Things here are on the upswing. Mr. is feeling better, the meds they put him on are making him feel pretty good. When he's good, I'm good, that's just the way it works for me.

I'm still adjusting to the new work environment, but it's getting easier. I first thought I wouldn't deal so well with such a nonprofessional environment, but I'm finding that's not the case. Most of the people that work there are very tough people. I've already seen one drug deal occur, had one person tell me she's a junkie and had two other women tell me their husbands are in prison.

These are not the kind of people I'm usually exposed too, and while I probably won't ever be socializing with them any time soon, I like them. I like the fact that they are honest about who they are and what real life is like for them. It allows me the leeway to be who I am without fear of judgement or ridicule. I find that very refreshing.

The actual job is okay, not too challenging, though I am starting to get more and more cases everyday. I am wary of becoming overwhelmed, but I just need to remember how to handle it if I do become overwhelmed. I've never been the shy retiring type and that trait will serve me well in this situation. Finally, a job where speaking up, saying it like it is and not having to "play the game," is a reality. I never was good at playing the game.

Maybe now I can start to find some balance between my sub side and my independent side. I do realize that I had been burying my sub side for many years, cause I didn't think I could be her and survive in the world. That's the reason I stopped writing as faerie for the moment. I didn't know how to be her out in the world and not get hurt.

Approaching this new situation from my non sub side has worked well for me. Except for the fact that I miss her. So, I suppose I need to focus on slowly starting to incorporate more of her into me. Yes, I know it sounds a little crazy that I talk about myself as if I'm different people. Don't we all have many sides?  I think so and I acknowledge that fact.

It really is just a shift in thinking for me. My attitude changes, but my behavior and the way I interact in the world doesn't. I went so deep into my sub side and was so happy there, cause she is the one that feels all the joy. She still has some innocence and wonder in her, she's the part of me that wasn't damaged by the abuse. She's the part of me that wasn't hardened to pain and suffering in her life.

She was too easily hurt by everything, so I dove the other way and sought to deny her. I am starting to believe I can be both. I'm not entirely sure how, but I'm very motivated to figure it out. I'm motivated to be the be the best me I can be and that requires me to acknowledge and embrace both my tough side and my soft side.

I think it would help me to integrate my sides if I started writing as faerie again, but I'm not ready for that, yet. Maybe soon.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

A Snapshot In Time

Dear Universe,

It's days like this I wish I was still writing my sex blog. Then I could tell you how nice last night was. Finally some privacy and some stress relief for me. Of course it's not just vanilla sex, though that's fun too.

I've considered telling my friends in the TTWD community about this blog and trying to combine the two. I miss being faerie and Mr. being Musicman. I just haven't decided yet what I want to do. It's nice to have a place to write about the everyday stuff and not just all the D/s stuff.

Of course the other bloggers in the community always read what I wrote no matter what the subject. It just feels like a different voice writing here. And, Since no one really reads here, I think I feel a little freer to write.

I got to know many of the people in the community very well, I know their real names, where they live and all about their families. It is nice to make friends, but I think once I started doing that it became harder to write the difficult stuff.

Of course I've also realized that thanks to menopause I don't handle the stress of life nearly as well as I used to. The things we have going on now are difficult, but they are in no way as difficult as some of things we have faced in the past. I made the mistake of thinking for a bit that it was being a sub that was making me feel weak. I now know that is not true.

If anything being a sub made me stronger, cause I believed in him as my Dom to be there to support me and reel me back in when I needed it. It is those stupid hormones flying around uncontrolled that make me feel weak. That was a huge problem when we first embarked on a D/s lifestyle, my emotions and how out of hand they were.

Then when we had an empty nest, we had all the time in the world to play and play we did, often. I was able to stay on an even keel then. I didn't experience so many highs and lows. I'm just not sure what I really want I guess, oh those lovely hormones.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Statistics Show

Dear Universe,

Statistics show that caregivers die before the people they care for. I have seen this to be true many times in my career and a few times in my personal life as well. I didn't doubt it, but now I know why it's true.

Care givers die of frustration because the people they are caring for don't listen. Yes, Mr. is still not feeling well and for the second time in three days I woke up to him yelling at me. Cause everyone knows it's perfectly okay to abuse the people who care about you the most, right?

If he had just listened to me and called Doc two days ago, he would already be on the medicine and starting to feel better. But no, he didn't want to call Doc, and he would let me call him. This morning he told me to call him and ask for the medicine. I did call and ask, but they want to see him.

He's not happy about having to go and see him and based on his reaction, he blames me for not doing what he said. I tried, but they wouldn't listen. So I got yelled at, yay. Now, with very little sleep, cause our son's girlfriend decided it would be a good idea to call our home and wake me up at one in the morning. Not once, but twice she called. And after having been yelled at by him, I'm off to work.

And he wonders what's wrong with me. Maybe the answer is I'm just mentally exhausted and feeling ignored and under appreciated. I also had a first for me during the short amount of time I did sleep, I had a dream. That's not so unusual, it was what the dream was about that was so unusual. It was about TTWD. I've never dreamt about it before. Guess it's been on my mind a bit too much lately.

I'm sure it's because I'm not getting what I need, but I've pretty much given up on getting what I need. That would take effort on his part. He made it pretty clear to me on Saturday with the things he said, that he doesn't like the woman I've become, nor am I worth his time or effort.

It's just gonna take me some time to accept that and let it go. I really believe being truly happy was not in the cards for me in this life time. Maybe in my next life I will choose to be selfish and go after the things that make me happy instead of always putting everyone else's needs first.

I am working on accepting that happiness is only rare snapshots in time for me. It may take awhile, but eventually I will achieve that mindset. Maybe.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Emotional Tsunami

Dear Universe,

I've had the kind of weekend I dread. Mr. woke up ill yesterday, that often  makes him cranky. That he definitely was. He said some really mean things to me. Things that hurt my feelings and made me cry. Of course these days, thanks to menopause, I cry easily.

He did apologize later, but my feelings are still hurt. I know he doesn't care for the wild mood swings and the tears, but he doesn't seem to understand that I can't control them. Believe me, if I could, I certainly would. Not only that, but I would share the answer with women all over the world.

I've attempted to explain to him many times how out of control I feel. It's one of the reasons I need him to be in control. He just never quite seems to grasp it. He thinks when I proposed a D/s lifestyle that I just wanted sex games. I admit, I did want that, but that's not all I wanted. I wanted and needed to know that when these hormonal storms hit, he will be there to take control. He knows how to take the control. He knows what I need to get back in control, he just isn't interested.

If I were a candidate for HRT, I would do it, but I'm very high risk for breast cancer and won't chance it. I do my best to manage the hormones through diet, exercise and vitamins and supplements, but it's not 100%. When we had the privacy to play several times a week things were better. I stayed on an even keel.

Now, with the kids both living back at home, we rarely get a chance to play. Maybe once a week if we are lucky. That's just not enough to keep me flowing along. The storms hit and I am lost in a Tsunami of dark emotions, confusion, rage, anger and hurt. Let's not even mention the hot flashes and night sweats, those are miserable.

It upsets me greatly that my body feels so foreign to me, that my whole attitude and outlook on life seems to have changed. Being a sub made me so happy, it made me feel like my normal positive self. Mr. just never seemed to grasp or embrace it as anything more then sex games and after almost 2 years of trying to explain it, I finally gave up. Maybe someday I will attempt to explain it to him again, though I doubt it will do any good.

Oh well, maybe someday things will be better. Menopause can't last forever, right? Please tell me I'm right.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Maybe Tomorrow

Dear Universe,

It's late, I'm exhausted, I should be sleeping. However, such is not the case. I've often thought: sleep is a competitive sport. I'm often on the loosing team.

My mind just runs amok. Too many thoughts, zipping through my mind. Too much energy, I'm over stimulated. I need an outlet, a way to dispel the darkness, but none readily reveal themselves.

I know what would work, but no opportunities are present. Responsibility is deeply rooted.  I want to be her.  I can not be her. I must be someone I don't much care for. It's what society in general expects. It's what my family needs.

I put on the game face and hope no one sees through the cracks. If I show weakness, they will take me down at my knees. I must be strong, I will endure. I may not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I still believe it's there.

I did not get my wish. Peace and quiet, a chance to hibernate, rejuvenate, was not achieved. I am now forced to find another way to recharge and continue on.

I have a choice or two. One I can control, one I can not. The one I can not control is most effective, but far beyond my reach. I'm too tired to say again, what I need. I refuse to beg. Really, what's the use? No one listens, no one cares. No one understands the things I can't articulate.

He tries sometimes to understand. I can't blame him for falling short. I'm not an easy woman. I'm a complicated mess of emotions, hormones and wildly flying hair.

Too many people rely on me to have the answers. Weakness and need is not an option I can indulge. I don't like that much, I'm tired and worn down. Haven't I fought hard enough? Haven't I earned the right to put myself first? Apparently not. Maybe tomorrow?

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

I Want

Dear Universe,

It's Friday, yay!!! I just gotta get through one more day at work and then 2 whole days of freedom. It's been quite the roller coaster week and I'm exhausted. Not physically exhausted but mentally exhausted. All I want is some peace and quiet.

Mr. wants to go out tonight to see some friends. We rarely go out and I usually look forward to the opportunity to go out and socialize. Not today. Today, I want to be left alone. I don't want to go to work and spend 8 hours trying to convince people to make unimportant things a priority. I accept that I have to do that, but then, all I want is time alone.

The swinging door I seem to have on my home that allows my grown children to move in and out willy nilly has prevented me from having any time to myself. I'm happy to be here and to have the ability to offer them a safe haven when they need it. However, I do wish they were a bit more stable so they wouldn't need to keep coming back home. Especially since they never seem to come alone.

They brings little dogs that chew everything under the sun. They bring partners that have nothing to offer. They irritate each other and complain about it on facebook. Really? Do we really need to to be so juvenile? They are grown ass adults, they need to start acting like it already.

They never stop to consider that their actions might have an impact on me or what I might want. I suppose they think Mom's aren't meant to have a life, or desires of their own. For many reasons, including actions on Mr.'s part, I am feeling used, and not in a good way.

When I'm in the right mindset, I can handle him being selfish and using me for his own pleasure, with no regard to mine. Those are the times I very much enjoy serving him and pleasing him. The problem occurs when I am not in the right mindset and he knows it and does it anyway. That just pisses me off and he knows it.

I think he justifies it in his own head by telling himself it's my unruly hormones. Yes, those do sometimes play a role in it, but not always. I didn't bother to correct him last night when he said it, cause I just felt so defeated. It's not like this is the first time it has happened, I've explained it to him several times. It has become apparent that he either hasn't been paying attention, otherwise he would remember. Or, he just doesn't care. I don't know which it is and right now, I don't care.

I am not going to go out with him tonight, which is extremely rare for us. We are almost always together in social situations. I just don't have the energy, nor am I in the mood to go out and be nice to people. I'm all used up and have no desire to put myself out there and leave myself open to being taken advantage of more.

I plan on going to work, doing my job and then coming home and locking myself in my bedroom to spend a quiet evening all by myself. I'm not gonna think or worry about him or what he wants. I'm not gonna think or worry about the kids and what they are going through. I'm not gonna think or worry about my old dog that is literally on his last legs, or that stupid little dog of my daughter's that chews everything in sight. I'm not even gonna spare a thought to what she might chew next. They are material things that can easily be replaced.

Peace and quiet. Time to myself to do whatever I want, even if that something is nothing at all. That's what I am aiming for today.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Thank You

Dear Universe,

It's time to practice gratitude, the simple act of saying thank you. Thank you for helping me achieve the things I seek. Thank you for providing an abundance of love in my life. Thank you for always listening and reminding me to focus on the positive and leave myself open to receive guidance.

I spoke to my boss yesterday. I'm so used to jumping through hoops to get what I want and need on the job. I was pleasantly surprised that my proposal of reducing my hours was met with agreement and support. Yeah!!!!!

I am inordinately pleased and excited about that. It has buoyed my entire mood. I feel as if I have finally achieved that last piece of the puzzle. Like I can be productive and contribute financially to my family without entirely loosing the side of myself I just found.

I also realize that I let myself get overwhelmed with all the challenges I was facing. I spent way too much time focusing on the negative and the things I felt like was loosing or having to give up. I don't know how I could have forgotten that negative attracts negative.

I didn't really forget, I just let it all overwhelm me, I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see it now and it's beautiful. I can see happiness again. Yes, I still have to work hard, but it feels more balanced. Yes, we still face the challenges of supporting our children through tough times ahead. My brother is still very ill and the possibility of loosing him continues to be an ever present threat.

Yet, I now feel the shift in myself. A calmness and a knowing that we will survive and thrive again. I feel opportunities are available and all I have to do is reach out and grab them. I can be and do the things I want to be and do.

And through it all, my stalwart husband never strayed from my side. Ours is truly an epic love story. I am eternally grateful you brought this man into my life. We've shared years of love and happiness. We've become stronger as a couple for all the challenges we've encountered and overcome. He is my savior and I am his. Thank you.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Hump Day Hang Over

Dear Universe,

I'm so tired today. I have a melatonin hang over. I couldn't sleep last night, so I took extra to help me sleep. I slept well, but had weird dreams. Today I'm having trouble shaking it off.

I'm trying to ignore the fact that I'm tired and have to go to work. It's too depressing to think about the fact that work takes all my energy. I hate not having the ability to do the things I want to do because I always have to work.

So, I'm gonna think of positive things. I'm gonna picture the conversation of asking to work part time hours and getting a positive response. Maybe that will keep my mind from straying to thoughts of, "I hate this job." This job isn't necessarily any worse than any others, I'm just having a hard time adjusting to the environment.

I've never worked in this kind of environment before. It's loud, it's too warm, and it is chocked full of less then professional behavior. That's hard for me to deal with, as I'm used to an extremely professional environment.

My alter ego has been on my mind a lot lately too. I miss writing as her. I miss being her. I don't know if I will ever return to being her. I want to, but I don't know if I can, or should. I think I write better as her, but I have my doubts about starting it again.

Mr. never mentions missing reading her, which of course leads me to believe he doesn't. It's probably a relief to him to not feel obligated to read and respond to her. I could, of course write for myself, that's why I originally started that blog, but the feed back and the support was so nice.

Being in her headspace feels so natural and it feels like I am losing her. I think about popping in and doing a post, but then I don't. I don't want to start again, only to not have the time to continue. I guess I should wait a little more time. Maybe soon I can get the work hours I want and get settled into some kind of regular routine. That will help, it seems like I've been at loose ends trying to put this one last piece of the puzzle in for a long time now.

I'm gonna stay strong, I'm gonna go for what I want, I'm gonna think positive and manifest a positive outcome. I will get my sub back. I miss being faerie.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Manifesting the Things I Seek

Dear Universe,

I survived Monday. I still don't feel very confident that I know what I'm doing on this new job, but it will come. Time for me to practice some patience and settle in and dig deep to get where I want to be. I believe within the next few weeks I will be able to request better hours, that will help too.

I'm going to concentrate on manifesting part time hours. I know what hours I want, I just don't know if they will let me work them. Everyday I'm going to picture in my head how the conversation goes and hearing them say yes to what I request.

I need them to understand that I am committed to my job, but it's not my first priority. My family is my first priority, and balance. I have been desperately seeking balance in my life. I want to have the time and energy to do things other than just earn a paycheck.

Yes, I understand it's important that I contribute financially, but that isn't the only important thing in life. Too much time spent giving to everyone else is what caused the massive burn out. I won't risk that again. I also can't dive the other way and just play all the time, that's not fair to Mr.

I have come to accept that growing up the way I did, constantly on guard from the abuse, is one of the reasons I now resent having to work so hard. I really believe that it was always in the back of my mind that if I worked hard, I would some day have the time to play. The time to be the child I never felt I got to be.

I worked hard, we built a good life together and just because I can't play full time doesn't mean I have to give it all up. I need balance, I seek the balance.

If I sound more positive today, it's because I am. I can thank Mr. for that. Mondays are always difficult for me because I see the weekends as mini celebrations of us. I never want those to end, but they must. Him having the energy and the desire to play last night really helped. I can't face a week at a time without the possibility of being intimate with him, I just need him too much.

I won't apologize for that, I will embrace it and seek the balance that allows us to continue having a wonderful life together. I am so lucky to have him in my life, to have his love. I seek to be the strong and balanced woman he deserves. I'm a work in progress and I'll keep working to be the best partner I can be.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Monday Blues

Dear Universe,

Here we go, it's Monday again. I'd be happier about another week starting if we had had the opportunity for some real quality playtime over the weekend, but that didn't happen. I'm starting to feel as if Mr really isn't all that interested in me any more.

Things were good when I had the time to write about that part of our lives. It kept it in the spotlight and the forefront of both our minds. Now, it rarely seems to cross his mind that I need him. That I need the dominance and the pain. He seems very content to let it all go by the wayside and just spend his time on the computer.

I know what he looks at on the computer, he gets to look to his hearts content and they make no demands on him. I suppose that's part of the problem, I've become so needy and he isn't interested in stepping up to meet those extra needs. I need to do something to get them uder control, cause relying on him to help me makes me vulnerable.

It doesn't really work all that well, relying on him anyway. He never seems to have the energy for me anymore. He works hard, he deserves to have down time, that I understand. What I don't understand is how I can work just as hard at my job and still feel responsible for so much at home.

I don't know what I can do to get these needs under control. Crying myself to sleep and in the shower every morning isn't productive. Maybe if I can get my TV fixed so I can start working out that will help. Maybe the endorphin rush from exercising will help make up for the lack of playtime we currently seem to be going through. Maybe then I won't feel so alone all the time.

Okay, dinner is almost done and I have to get in the shower and get ready for work. I'm not looking forward to it, but I've got about an hour or so to wipe away the tears and talk myself into a better mood.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Becoming an Automaton

Dear Universe,

Such an emotionally chaotic weekend it's been. Friday I finally got to start actually doing the job. That alone made me feel better. I'm not sure what Monday holds, other than hours that really suck. I'm trying not to worry too much about it, but I hate the idea of not being here to cook and eat dinner with him.

It will make for some very busy days for me. I will be up early cleaning and cooking before going in to work and putting in a full day. I don't know where I will find the energy to do both, but I really don't have a choice, so, I'll just do it.

Saturday started out nice, we were up and out early getting errands done. I did do some shopping. I bought some shoes, and some clothes. I was optimistic about my size and bought a smaller than usual size of clothes. I tried them on and they fit, but not well. Thank goodness I've learned not to remove tags before trying things on. I will be making a trip back to the store to exchange everything for one size larger, they'll look better one size larger.

So much for being optimistic, oh well. I've asked several times to have the TV in the room with my treadmill fixed, so that I can start walking again. It hasn't happened yet. I suppose at some point I will have to do it myself.

We watched some movies and hung out. I always enjoy doing that. We did have a quick playtime scenario. That would be the problem, it was so quick. I enjoyed it, but really wanted and needed more. We had every intention of more, but we had no privacy for more.

Apparently, I'm supposed to be understanding of the fact that my daughter's boyfriend is finally working, and they can't hang out together all day.

Apparently, I'm supposed to ignore the fact that both Mr and I work all week and he only has enough energy for real playtime on Saturday night. I am expected too graciously give up my privacy and opportunity for playtime to make things easier for her.

So, I got about 15 minutes of his dedicated time and attention, and that's supposed to be good enough until next weekend. It's not, but I don't know how to change that. We've both got a long week of work ahead of us. He's gonna have to help out with cooking, even if it is just reheating because I cooked before I went to work. Either way, it's a lot of extra work for me, and less convenient for him.

That leads me to believe there won't be much energy for playtime. There rarely is now, when I take care of everything at home for him.  With me not being here and him having to help out some, well, I might as well forget being the focus of his attention.

All that's left is for me to become the automaton I've been for the last 20+ years. Get up, cook, clean, go to work, come home, eat, sleep, get up and do it all again. Day after day after day, until the end of the week arrives. Two days break to get caught up with home chores and errands and do it all again.

I'm really beginning to hate my life. And, I don't believe in hate.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

My Dark Side

Dear Universe,

Yes, I deleted that last post. It was nothing but a ranting temper tantrum on my part. I get caught in these damn menopausal hormone storms and I am out of control. I look for someone to blame when the reality is no one is to blame, certainly not my husband. If anything he should be applauded for dealing with me as well as he does.

I wish that I could control them, that I could make them go away, but no matter how hard I try I can't. I either cry or descend in to anger and lash out. Of course, I hate crying, it makes me feel weak. Lashing out in anger feels good at the time, but only at the time. I always regret saying the things I say when I lash out. I never mean them, it's really just a way to release some of the stress.

I am glad that I have this place to vent, no one reads here so no one gets hurt by my lack of decorum. I never want to hurt people, especially my wonderful husband. Life hasn't been any easier for him than it has been for me. We find our strength to face the world in each other, and lately I've been letting him down in that area.

I miss being his sub, I need his dominance to feel safe. I'm the one that has been rejecting that dynamic recently. I'm the one that felt I couldn't be her and deal with all the changes going on. I now see that was a mistake. I now see that I need that dynamic now more than ever.

I know it was a mistake to think that if he really cared he wouldn't let me give it up. He cares way more than I give him credit for. He would do anything humanly possible to make me happy. I'm the one that often feels it's not enough. If it's not enough, I need to do something to make it enough.

It would be helpful if I started communicating my needs better, but right now I am struggling to even understand what I need. I get it stuck in my head that he has all kinds of expectations of me and I grow resentful when I feel like I am failing to live up to those expectations. The truth is, the only one that has these outlandish expectations of me, is me. I really need to let them go and realize he will still love me and still want to be with me, even if I can't be perfect.

The trainers are coming in today and we are finally going to learn the program. Hopefully that all goes well and I can get onto some kind of regular schedule. That will help immensely as I feel like I've spent the last few weeks spinning my wheels and getting no where. I've accepted the fact that I have to work, I found a job I can do without too much effort, if they would just let me do it, things would get better.

That's gonna be my thought for the day, my new focus: things are going to get better. I will be able to be the wife to him that he deserves and that I desperately want to be. Work will only be 8 hours a day of my time, then I can walk away and spend the rest of my time focusing on the things that make me happy, serving him the way he deserves.

Thanks for listening to me and not judging me on my little temper tantrum, and thanks for not sharing my dark side with anyone, it's so unattractive of me.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Worried

Dear Universe,

Ugh, another day to face at work. I'm trying very hard not to be irritated with my employers, but it's been hard. They haven't been prepared for the training and it is a huge waste of my time. Add in to that the fact that they lied to me about the hours and I'm really not a happy camper.

As if that isn't enough to deal with the saga with my son continues. He did not come home last night. He left all his stuff here, even his coat. It's cold outside, below freezing. Where could he have gone without his coat?

Because he didn't come home, and we haven't heard from him my mind has been racing with all the worst case scenarios. That kept me from sleeping well. I was up at 5am searching the house to make sure he wasn't here.

I had it in my mind that he was somewhere in the house and had done something to hurt himself. I searched the attic and checked the pool area, but he isn't here. That is some comfort, but not much. What if he went somewhere else and hurt himself? Do we call the police and have him reported missing? I just can't believe he is being so thoughtless about our feelings. I'm worried.

I have also been fighting off a bit of a cold since the weekend and woke up feeling like crap today. I'm sure it didn't help that I slept badly, but now I have another day of sitting at work twiddling my thumbs while running a low grade fever.

It seems fitting though that I am having to deal with all this. I had actually been thinking of writing in my other blog again. Friends have been contacting me and encouraging me to go back to it. I want to go back, but it seems so selfish to take my time to focus on something that is really just for me when I have so many other things to do.

I just don't know what to do about anything right now. Will I ever get to a point where I don't feel so lost?

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Another Soul to Keep

Dear Universe,

Just when I think things can't get any worse, they do. Our son showed up last night, belongings in tow, asking to move back in. Despite the fact that we haven't heard from him in over 4 months, we said yes.

I'm so frustrated with these kids. I'm a Mom, I love my kids, but I don't always like the decisions they make. My children seem to need to learn everything the hard way, and they don't care who they hurt in the process. I want the best for them, but I'm tired of being hurt by them.

I am off to another frustrating day of training at a job I don't want, and now I have the added worry of wondering what is going on at my home with the kids. They are notorious for not getting along well with each other. They are both certainly old enough to not behave like spoiled 2 year olds having a temper tantrum, but historically that hasn't been the case.

I thought we had gotten to a time in our life when we could start to relax and slow down a little. Maybe even focus on ourselves and having some fun. Now, I anticipate us never having time to ourselves. No private time means no playtime.

Playtime should probably not be my focus, but if I can't enjoy life occasionally, what is the point of working so hard? If possible, I feel more lost then ever about what I am supposed to be doing with my life. The only thing I know for sure anymore, is that Mr. loves me unconditionally and hopefully this won't add distance between us.

I had already been struggling to not pull away too much due to the demands on  my time with this new job. Now, after a long, hard day at work I can't even look forward to playtime when I get home. Can I run away now? Of course, I could, but I never have any success talking Mr. into going with me. I can't go without him because without him, I have no reason to live.

I'm begging you, please send me some positive news soon. I seriously don't know how much more stress I can take. Especially since my main form of stress relief has been greatly curtailed due to having no privacy. Yes, I'm stuck in a vicious circle and can't find my way out.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower

Contemplating Sleep

Dear Universe,

It's late, I should be contemplating sleeping. I would like to be able to sleep, but sleep is not that easy for me. Sleep is a competitive sport and I always lose.

If I do manage to sleep, the nightmares come. They terrify me.

I'm an adult, nightmares should not be this painful.

It's the stress.

Torn obligations, warring with pristine dreams.

Things I want, things I dream, things I long to be, in total opposition to the things, I must be.

An effigy of myself, burning endlessly.

Too warn down to believe.

Refuge is what I long for.

Refuge... such a foreign word,

refuge is not in my lexicon.

No safe haven for me.

Struggle on, forge ahead, be it all, believe again.

How I wish I could.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower



I miss my faeries.

Day 2

Dear Universe,

Well, 2 days into the new job and I'm surviving. It's group training, which sorta sucks big ones. One of my pet peeves is being read to. I read fast and hate having to listen to someone read to me what is right in front of my face. That comprised most of my day today, ugh.

The employer wasn't really prepared for us, which is not very reassuring, but not much can be done about that. I'm coping the best I can and have been biting my tongue quite a bit so as not to say the scathing things running through my mind.

It sounds arrogant of me, but once I get the training on the computer programs I will be good to go. Whereas, most of my co-workers in training have no medical field experience and don't seem to have the mindset of what being or dealing with, medical professionals is all about.

I should look at all this as a positive for me. My experience and knowledge should put me a step above the others and make it easier for me to stand out and move up quickly. I've already established that I don't want to work outside the home, but financial pressures demand it, so I might as well attempt to put my best foot forward and try to move up quickly.

I did discover that the same company who is the client of the company I am working for has a work at home program. That is something to keep in the back of mind in case I ever decide to try and pursue that option. Right now the better money isn't in that program, so I might as well attempt to make the best of the situation in front of me.

If it seems like I am doing better with my overall attitude dealing with these situation, it's because I am. There are 2 reasons I see for that. The first is that I have at least gotten started, so some of the anticipation and fear are subsiding. Though I still need to go shoe and undie shopping.

The second reason is Mr. He has been so supportive even though he probably doesn't totally understand my reluctance to work outside the home. He continues to tell me multiple times a day that everything is going to be okay. He also continues to offer to work more days and even get a second job so I don't have to work. I can't justify that, but I appreciate it.

Am I gonna love this job? I highly doubt it, but I may learn to at least not hate it, and the paycheck every week will help. Mr. worries so much about money, and I understand that worry even though I don't worry about it. If I can relieve some of that worry, well, it's worth all the crap. Plus, I still plan on starting that vacation fund. It may take awhile to save for someplace nice, but I don't get any paid vacation time for a year anyway.

As long as I save something from every pay, it will add up nicely. In a year or so, we might just be able to take the vacation of a lifetime. Since the only vacations we have ever taken have been to visit family, it doesn't have to be an epic trip around the world to be a vacation of a lifetime for us. That's the beauty of living simply.

Love,
Lolita Lilyflower